Disturbing thoughts after viewing suicide video

Hi @AlgebraicFury

Welcome to the forums, I hope that its been helpful already, while you were reading and that you'll find support here.

It sounds as though you have come such a long way in the last three years through a lot of hard work and learning to manage the bipolar to this stage. I think that's amazing! I hope that you can continue to feel better and improve.

I havent expereienced the type of situation you have, though I wonder if in someways its been kind of a like a trauma that you witnessed by watching the video. I once stopped at very bad accident where there were four deaths and i was 3rd on the scene. i only stayed less than five minutes because the cfs arrived and i had a baby in the car but the images and helplessness that i felt stayed with me (recalling it now is hard!) and i saw it a lot over and over (was different from my other ptsd stuff though!) i dont know if that makes sense or not. I'm glad you are going to talk to your therapist about it and hope that helps.

take care

Hi AlgbraicFury

Lola here , one of the moderators.

Welcome to the forum

I am sorry to hear you are going through a dficcult time.Thank you for taking the time to reach out to our members. Here you will find a lot of wisdom and experience that may help you at this difficult time in your life. The forum is wonderful way of connecting with others. You will find that there is a lot of wisdom and kindness among the forum members here and I can see you have already had a response. I am sure you will get some replies soon.

You can read more about the guidelines in the Community Guidelines.

I look forward to seeing more of your posts!

Regards

Lola

Hi @Former-Member and @utopia, thank you so much for your responses. Your perspectives and advice have been helpful. I've had a somewhat better day as I made a serious effort to avoid finding out more about this girl's life, an activity I was previously engaged in each day.

I've been thinking about your perspectives, but I'm still uncertain as to why I've been so deeply affected by this. One possibility I've thought of is that it touched on several of my sensitive issues simultaneously, in particular my rage against the universe. Even though I have more or less normal (socially acceptable) moods now, living with bipolar disorder has left me feeling disappointed and angry at our society, at humanity in general, and finally at the whole universe for being such a mess. I seriously cannot be very supportive of a universe in which the laws of nature allow the most innocent among us to suffer abuse and end their own life. I think also that seeing someone in such total despair and hoplessness triggers these feelings in me to some degree, even though it's been a few years since I've experienced such severe depression. Finally, it is just so immensely sad.

I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow, so I'll let you know how that goes.

Thanks, AF

Hi @pip, the video was of a real suicide, and the girl had been reaching out for help for a while. I think avoiding watching anything that could be triggering is very good advice. There are a lot of aspects of self care which I am good at, but this is not one of them. It seems that we are often drawn to people and experiences with which we have some familiarity, as this provides a sense of security (even though it may not be good for us). This poor girl's despair and hoplessness in the video is very familiar to me, so maybe watching it provided some sense of connection with her. I don't generally feel much of a connection with people as my experiences with bipolar disorder, and particularly with the despair and hoplessness of severe depression, have left me with very different perspectives on the world and with life. Having said that, gaining a sense of connection mainly with people who committed suicide is certainly not a great idea. But, if nothing else, this experience has raised an underlying issue which I need to deal with.

AF

Hi @AlgebraicFury

I think your own reflections are probably most accurate. I am struggling with understanding the world. i know there is a lot of good in the world (i see it in kids mostly.. my own and others) but also struggle with understanding or trying to discover what purpose there is for everything.

I also think you are right that we can be drawn to certain things/connections... whether they are good/bad for us.

I hope your talk tomorrow is productive,

take care

Hello @AlgebraicFury

I love your name ... can see alphanumerics swarming and flying around ...

Your reflections are a little similar to mine .. I found the whole concept of suicide and the way it has been or NOT managed .. intrusive and traumatising.

I truly lived for at least 10 years with all of my loved ones apart from my children .. "on the other side" .. no not a great way to live .. and suicide prevention motivates my actions on this forum.

I was so fixated and obssessed that I hid it from people as much as I could as I knew it was not healthy .. 2 siblings 2 uncles and 2 friends suicided in 2 years when I was a young mum.. I tried to get help for other more rational difficulties .. but I only started to get some help 20 years later ..when it blurted out ... unmitigated .. by sense of reserve and appropriateness being a mother etc ..

I pushed the thoughts, ruminations, questions, grievings, methods, reasons, compassion, reunion fantasies ... down down down ... but then wot goes down has a habit of bouncing back UP.

I have had too settle with myself .. that I may always deal with such thoughts & feelings ...

empathy and com .. passion .. is feeling for the other ... sometimes it can be a guise and a way of our subconcscious bringing up our own feelings .. but I still believe empathy is not a bad thing ..

@utopia is very clear about how she manages things and she seems very wise ..

for me it was far too close and so always can get under my defences ...

Sometimes I trigger .. and go into self loathing .. best if world was without me .. and then other times .. I am more social activist about it .. and surrounding triggers.

BOTTOM LINE ... it is outside and within ... it is at epidemic proprtions.

I felt good this week when a sponsor for an arts event I was involved with me brought it up on stage ...

INSIDE I was secretly thrilled.

Everyone was there to have a great time .. and paid highly for the privilege ..the weather was perfect .. the food, wine, company .. the place was great .. the snow gums and the birds & kookaburras all joined in ...

That arts organisation has helped fund 2 cancer units .. but now they are turning to YOUTH SUICIDE. He was not booed off stage .. he was a medical regional head honcho ..

the lady singing next to me .. knew my story in brief ... from last year .. and told me how suicde & attempots were playing out in her extended family's lives ... suicide effects us all.

We need to protect ourselves from it .. @utopia is right ..

not through complacency .. but through acknowledgment of the toll, discussion and other forms of compassion & activism.

its the only thing that makes sense to me.