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What is happening to me?

AudreyAffCasual Contributor21 Aug 2024, 10:50 pm AEST

What is happening to me?

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone could relate to this at all or have any insight??

I do not have any one in my life that I fully trust at all, but I feel like I can trust that I don't trust people, so I don't really have the sense of self preservation that I think I should do, and likely act in ways that are overly trusting?? Like... I know I could get hurt/betrayed, but it doesn't matter because I feel like I will regardless so I may as well do/say what I want and the two kind of net each other out but still leave me feeling shitty...

Separately a part of my impulsiveness is being driven by a strong urge/need to isolate myself away from people because I feel triggered in every social situation I'm in. I mean every single one. I want to be alone, I don't want to work but I also really want connection and people around me but I feel uncomfortable either way...

I have been diagnosed with CPTSD/(BPD), MDD, have some anxiety and paranoia where I think everyone is talking behind my back, out to get me, or strangers that know me from somewhere that my life is being publicised that I don't know about / beliefs that work colleagues spy on my personal life and my internet activity. like they could be reading this right now and I'll feel like they'll know tomorrow when I go to work and make jokes about it but I need to try to find some accessible way to try to talk about it so I'll just have to try to tell myself that that's unlikely.

Thanks for reading, I have more background to this but I'll leave it here for now.

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In response to: What is happening to me?

MJG017Senior Contributor22 Aug 2024, 10:59 pm AEST

Re: What is happening to me?

@AudreyAffYep, you could make a movie out of the story I think. There's a lot more to it, but there's a trail of adopted out kids, of which I was the 2nd last one... the last one involving my biological father. Needless to say, it wasn't quite what I was expecting when I found it all out. One of my sisters who was adopted out, sadly passed away from SIDS aged about 6 months. That was particularly tough to hear.

I last spoke to my brother and sister over Christmas last year, when she was over from the ACT. I haven't heard from the since. Which is particularly tough because I had told them I had an important medical test (which wasn't a good result) a few days after our catchup that I was stressed about and I haven't even heard from them to ask how it went. Although I know my sister knows, because my partner made a post about it on her Facebook page, mainly as a sort of PSA to her friends to urge them to get the men in their life prostate checks. My sister gave the post a like so I know she knew about my result.

My other sister, a half sister (who was adopted out as well and the oldest out of all of us) with a different father, I still talk to on the phone every now and then. She rang a couple of weeks ago so that was great.

Meeting my mother was strange. You think about something for 50 years wondering what it would be like and then it finally happens... it doesn't feel real. She was so happy to hear from me so I was so pleased about that and I'm still SO grateful I got the change to meet and speak with her before she passed away. She was in a nursing home by the time I had found her. This was why she was in the ACT with my sister to be close to her. She was struggling with dementia, but thankfully still able to remember me. I have a photo of me and her together and I wouldn't trade that memory for the world.

In response to: What is happening to me?

8ppleTreeSenior Contributor24 Aug 2024, 4:48 pm AEST

Re: What is happening to me?

Hi @AudreyAff

I think any sort of visualisation that allows you to feel safe, but not cut off from people and things would work. Some people like to imagine soft light or warm emotions buffering them, others like to imagine armour, or cloak, shields, etc. I think whatever feels right for you is fine. If it works, it works!

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