What is happening to me?

Hi @AudreyAff, welcome to the forum. I can relate to some of what you described. I've never trusted anyone, enough to open up to them with anything personal or even that they like me that much. I also have this internal conflict where I want to be around people, but also alone. Alone is when I feel relaxed, not anxious or stressed, where as I always feel like that around people and very awkward. Needless to say, I've never really built any real connections with anyone. There is my partner who would be the only one, but I still struggle with letter her too close.

I don't really have that paranoia to your degree, but definitely some of it. I don't really think anyone is spying on me... I don't think anyone would care enough to bother. I also definitely have that sense of self preservation, so I don't really say much unless someone speaks to me first.

For me, I guess it's mostly down to a fear of rejection. I say 'fear' but it's more like an "avoid at all costs" kind of thing. I think it comes from being adopted and growing up wondering why my family didn't want me and not being very close to my adoptive family and so never really felt like I was accepted or belonged anywhere. I guess we all have our own reasons for feeling the way way we do, but I've discovered over the past year or so that I'm hardly alone in feeling these things so I take some solace knowing i'm not the only one dealing with these issues... not that I would wish them on anyone.

A wise doctor once said to me "It's not paranoia if it's justified". I have no idea how to live in a world where we're just believed. No-one believes what others have done to me. It's not paranoia but it may as well be. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I'm not in a good head space to be more elaborate but a lot of what you say makes sense to me.

@MJG017

Definitely not alone!

I hope some day you might be able to find your bio parents perhaps and get some of those answers? If you still wonder... / haven't already?? I spose the scar would remain even if you did know now

@Hopeless2

I get what you mean, sometimes it feels that way for me too.

There are parts that are justified, and others that I know are a stretch so then it feels like all of it either is or could be perceived as paranoia if I wanted to try and do anything about it

I hope you feel better soon

Hi @AudreyAff

I can hear how unsettling and uncertain this must be making you feel. Not having a definitive sense of safety can definitely skew how someone is going to react in certain situations. That sense of self-preservation going out the window, because you're always on high-alert.. ooh yeah, that's a tough one I remember from being younger.

A couple things have helped with that for me. One has been meditation and focusing on images and feelings that evoked a sense of 'safety', ie warm blanket, knocking on someone's door and it always being answered.. whatever comes to mind really. Encouraging that feeling and learning it and allowing it into my space. Also, putting my body into a regulating activity daily, ie swim, walk, dance, etc. The last, is creating a mental barrier between me and others, a sort of shield, but a positive one, if that makes sense? Just ways to try to retrain yourself and establish stronger internal boundaries.

You have just the same reason and right to be there amongst people as anyone. Hope you find the good people in life 🙂

@8ppleTree thank you for your reply ❤️

do you have an example of a positive barrier? My mind draws a blank ha

Thanks @AudreyAff. I did find my biological family 3 years ago. My father had already passed, but as it turns out I was the result of a 10 year affair between him and my mother. My bother and sister were kept, but I was just sort of the last straw I guess and the family never had contact with my father again. I did get the chance to meet my mother which turned out to be fortunate for me because she died about a year after I found them. So lots of answers, but some extra pain as well. Overall, i'm glad I have the answers though. I did always think it might fix or help things with me but it didn't so what you say about the scar is true.

@Hopeless2I think it makes sense. If anyone lives for long enough without something, whether it's trust, love, or being believed, then it's only natural to start to think a world with that in it is the world you live in. Our own part of the world anyway.

I hope your feeling in a better head space soon.

@MJG017 wow that's a long time!

Are you in contact with your bio brother and sister now? I'm sorry you never got to meet your bio dad. But glad you got to find out how you came to be and where you came from. That sounds like it would have been a very complicated situation for your bio parents.

It does make sense that it all would have caused extra pain, it would be good to have the insight but it wouldn't change your experience ultimately.

I hope meeting your mum was a good experience for the short time you had with her, I'm sure she thought about you a lot ❤️