TW: Trauma and relationships

@Oaktree hey hun! I'm chugging along alright how are you?

@creative_writer that's odd about your auras, do you think it's motion-based? Do you get car sick at all?

Me too, all the lights in my home are super low, warm white - or candles! Can't handle anything too bright, even if it isn't fluorescent.

Hi @Jynx

I am doing really well thanks.

@creative_writer Mm wonder if it's interrelated. Seems likely, our bodies being little systems of systems and whatnot. I'm sorry to hear you're in burn out darlin, that's so super rough. End of placement is just around the corner tho right? Then, it will be time for a very well-earned rest!!

Yay that's wonderful to hear @Oaktree! What's going on in your world at the moment?

@creative_writer aye for sure, and don't ever let anyone tell you different! The enormity of this undertaking is not something to be understated - you deserve much praise for your persistence and tenacity 💜

I am off soon darlin, so I shall bid you goodnight! Hope tomorrow is easier on your senses 🤞

@creative_writer totally legit fear to have hun! Attachment trauma is very difficult to navigate. Perhaps you are aromantic too? Something to explore. In any case, this particular fear is one I am pretty horribly familiar with. Something that did really help was learning about and practicing Relationship Anarchy - I think I've mentioned it before? But the main reason I bring it up now is because one style of relationship that I've found to be way more common within the queer community is called a 'queerplatonic relationship', which is basically like a close, intimate, and sometimes long-term life-partnership, but without physical intimacy. Many will speak of their QP relationships being just as precious and fulfilling as any other.

The point is, like you say yourself, relationships work when there's clear communication, expectations, and understanding of how the two people fit into each others lives. As just an example, one of my ace friends has a long-term life partner who is not ace. They have an open relationship, where the partner can go out to get his sexual needs met by other people, but everything else (i.e. emotional intimacy and non-sexual physical intimacy) is shared between them. This wouldn't work if they weren't able to talk openly about their needs, styles of relating to others, and possible triggers for jealousy.

I've been listening to an audiobook of late called 'Polysecure' (by Jessica Fern), and whilst I know you don't necessarily identify with ethical non-monogamy, the book still has some truly incredible insights, explanations, and differing ways of conceptualising attachment trauma (including my now favourite model of all time, which she called the 'Nested Model of Attachment', and it includes all the layers from identity and interpersonal relationships right through social, cultural, and global factors that can shape our attachment style). Perhaps it could help you in understanding yourself better, and help you navigate future relationships!

Anyway, all this was just to say YES! It is very possible, in fact it's probable that you will find someone whose needs and relationship style match yours. Sometimes finding them is just a numbers game 😅

@creative_writer aye that's fair, and that wasn't to say that you would need to have a relationship model like that, more just to show how there's all sorts of ways that folks can be in fulfilling relationships and get their needs met without following social norms. And yeah you're totally right, there's definitely cultural factors that play into it and can shape our narratives too.

I think amongst the ace/aro community there is an acceptance of the fact that trauma can play a role in how our sexuality forms, but that doesn't make anyone who identifies with these labels as less valid for doing so. Sexuality and attraction aren't static either, they can shift and grow as we do - so identifying with the label now, then changing how you identify later, is totally okay.

When you say you've never really met a safe person (legit tho), I'm wondering what signs you might want to look for that would indicate that a person might actually be worth putting time and energy towards?