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Something’s not right

Ramblings

Ramblings

Although I would not go so far as to claim that every day is a 'bad' day, it is entirely without question that none of my days are ever 'good'.
The best I could hope for, at any given time, if I were still able to hope, would be that that particular day was just 'a day'.
Unfortunately, more often than not, many of the days I am given are entirely unpleasant.
Sometimes they are worse.
Days where I hated everything and everyone.
When I wished I didn't exist.
Had never existed.
And then, there were days like today, where I don't even care enough, or possess enough mental fortitude to hate.
I just lie there, sick and empty.
Had I the energy, I feel I would cry with parts of my mind and my body that I didn't even know were capable of crying.
But all I have are the empty places where the crying should have been, and the vague feeling that I wish to slowly fade from existence, because to do it quickly seems like far more effort than I am ever likely to possess.

'Mama take these guns from me.
I can't shoot them any more.'
..
I've been fighting every day,
But was never meant to win this war.
So why not take my days from me,
I don't want them any more.




34 replies

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In response to: Ramblings

Re: Ramblings

hello @Former-Member

major depression?

I have just come out of a place similar to where you are now.

i am not going to advise you.

I can see that you are articulate and creative. Lovely skills.

I think I might have even read some of your poetry on another thread.

I still am not well enough to be able to travel the intricacies of this site.

i respond to posts and then it seems as though my response has not posted where i wanted it to. The response does not flow after the post.

i am here. I can read your thoughts. I can respond to you so that you know people are listening to you and that you are worthy.

all i ask from you is please keep writing and as long as i can find your thread, i will respond. others will also.

In response to: Re: Ramblings

Re: Ramblings

Thanks @Former-Member

Yeah, major depressive illness + major bipolar disorder.

( I forget how the rankings go. Chronic, clinical, major, etc.)

Whatever the top ones are, I got.

Top ranking in general and social anxieties too.

Yay! At least I achieved the top level of something!

Then add a liberal dose of lesser comorbid..well.....pretty much everything that falls in that general circle. ADHD, aspergerers, autism, etc

Stir well. Add nuts. Shake.

Make sure it's half-baked, and bam, 15 yrs later , here I (still) am.

I appreciate your approach and honesty.

True told, there's not much anyone can say now.

Even research professor level psychiatrists can't offer anything.

So while I don't criticise anyone for offering support and encouragement, it's an natural thing to do,( I do it myself,) it's nice not to be handed empty platitudes for once .

So, much appreciated. Hope sometime I can return the favor.

GW.

In response to: Ramblings

Re: Ramblings

"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains: round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away."

. -from 'Ozymandias' ; by Percy Bysshe Shelley'

In response to: Re: Ramblings

Re: Ramblings

hello again @Former-Member

thank you for letting me know that my response was appreciated.

Yes is very hard when in a deep dark place to be "advised"

I have had chronic, clinical now described as major depression, so does that mean I have improved?????? Didn't feel like it in the last abyss. Then again i have started to climb out.

The hardest part is we battle for ourselves and then there is life! wham! wham! so we dig deep and start another battle.

I am a peaceful soul, do not like conflict, aggression, violence so struggle immensely with my internal turmoil when at its darkest.

I enjoy reading your posts and am hoping that you get something in return for writing them.

You have a great deal going on within you. Are you sharing any of your own writings? Forgive me if you have and I have already responded. I am not navigating too well on here at all.

I would love to read some of your own inspirational work if you are happy to share.

I think that you stand out in this world as exceptional, you are probably quite a challenge to the medical world who like to think that they have it all covered. Just because we dont fit in their boxes does not mean that we are the ones with the problem.

In the cocktail of illnesses I read between the lines gifted. please love yourself with all of your differences. I am trying to love myself again and again and again.

all the best.

In response to: Ramblings

Re: Ramblings

Despite seeming to do little else, I'm not an advocate or advisor as to 'wallowing in your own misery'.
Studies show that allowing yourself to get angry, and getting angry, doesn't release anger, but increases anger, violence and aggression.

So while posting 'depression posts' and poetry seems to feel better initially, I'm sure the end result is similar to anger.
You only dig yourself deeper.

And yet, it remains my chosen form of expression.

To my personal ethic, being falsely cheerful just to try to push through and be positive, it's more damaging to me than being honest about how in feeling.

I'm not really sure if I'm helping or hurting myself.
A bit of both, I suspect.

In response to: Re: Ramblings

Re: Ramblings

Hello @Former-Member

Thank you for your response also your honesty.

I did ask whether or not you would mind and you answered honestly. So very important for us both. Thank you.

I might not have read all of your posts but those I have, nowhere have I sensed "wallowing in your own misery".

Quite the opposite in fact.

I think that you dig deep and articulate your feelings in a language that has it's own rare beauty.

I do not ask of you to be "falsely cheerful just to try to push through and be positive".

Please forgive me if that is how I came across.

Thank you again for sharing a part of you and please do only what feels comfortable for you.

keep driving

In response to: Re: Ramblings

Re: Ramblings

Hi @Former-Member

I dont have anything to write really but wanted to let you know I have read your posts.. you give such graphic descriptions it helps me as i feel very similarly a lot of the time. Its hard to remember a time when i wasnt depressed.

I'm glad you continue to share on the forums,

lj

In response to: Ramblings

Re: Ramblings

Idris: "I've been looking for a word.
A big.....complicated word.....but SO.... SAD.
I've found it now."

The Doctor: "What word?"

Idris: "Alive."

In response to: Re: Ramblings

Re: Ramblings

hello @Former-Member @Former-Member

very compelling and thought provoking.

language allow us all to have our own interpretations.

keep driving

In response to: Re: Ramblings

Re: Ramblings

To Amelia Pond

"thats Ok. We're all stories, in the end. Just make it a good one, eh!"

The Doctor

I read it last week on a board of inspirational quotes from a bunch of young artists

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