ShazzRCasual Contributor
Tired of chasing for a child
TW: Suicidal Ideation
I am bipolar and living with it for the last 20 years. I make sure that I take my medicines on time.. I am on low dose. Hardly ten days in past 20 years without medicine. I just follow my prescriptions blindley... because I wanted to be clean to conceive or to adopt a child.. in many occasions I wanted to just stop these meds and end my life. It is hard to be alive. I have gone through 11 cycles of ivf. I have low reserve of eggs. Last couple of times I decided to take donors eggs.. I have considered adopting a child too and to become eligible for that I and my husband have moved to different city. He is with me for more that 24 years. He is very supportive and caring. But there is a reason why I am on the sane forum.. I can share everything with him and sometimes I feel he can not understand me. We have planned to go for our last ivf cycle. It is like a roller coaster.. financially and mentally we are struggling.. we are eating healthy and exercising five days a week. All our actions are taking us closer towards the dream but now out of nowhere I am getting suicidal thoughts.. I am all fine professionally on my work. I love my home. I have stopped watching TV. I keep myself in a room and starve to talk to someone who can listen and who understands what I am going through. My contact list is full of people who are my family and friends who are total strangers. I started writing journals and all I could write was about killing my self and pointless life. I just don't know what I want from life anymore.
