Hello beautiful woman🌸
Firstly, I want to acknowledge your pain. I can understand and relate to this deep sense of feeling not good enough, unworthy and mostly a fear of being perceived as "Ugly"...even feeling ugly to your core. I understand the sense of wanting to hide and not be seen.
The fear of being seen.
I want you to know that you're doing so incredible because it would be immensely difficult to cope with all that you do internally as well as looking after 2 children. That could even be draining.
I want you to know I have battled with these very same feelings and still do. Looking back into your own childhood can bring up some great awareness of where these deep-rooted emotions are coming from. Journalling can help to bring in this awareness....
journal prompts include;
"were you compared as a child? where in your childhood were you shamed for shining? were you made to not feel important or that your unique qualities were overlooked or shutdown? Do you feel that either one of your parents did not show up for you emotionally or physically? were you abandoned? How did your father view women? How did your mother relate to other women? did she compare herself or always try to compete? what was the relationship between your parents? what example did this set out for you when it comes to romantic relationships?"
also, its okay to feel angry. You will grieve for the parts of your child self that were abandoned. Find a healthy outlet for this.
understanding all of the perceptions and dynamics can allow you to undertested just how much of these beliefs you have internalised over your lifetime.
These are subconscious wounds that stem from childhood and play out into your future relationships with others and yourself.
In order to choose better partners who see you truly, who value you, who are not interested in things like porn, etc, then you need to first need to hold space for these parts of you that feel unworthy so that you can genuinely choose people in your life who do not have low characteristics and subconsciously confirm your wounded beliefs of "not being good enough".
You need to redirect these thoughts and validate them. speak to yourself as if speaking to that small child. That's why you feel like a teenager/child because those are the parts of you that are still so incredibly sad, invalidated and feeling unloved. But you are NO longer that child. let the child in you know that you are the adult here for her. Validate her. Reparent her.
You are allowed to shine.
You are worthy of feeling beautiful.
Your unique gifts are beautiful.
You deserve people who respect you.
I hope this helped. This is a continuous process. It won't happen overnight. But it's so so worth it just like you are worth it. In time you will come so far and you will know and feel your worth. self-healing is a journey that I can attest to.
releasing these emotions from the body can also be very helpful, you may want to try;
-somatic tapping mediation for self-worth
-yoga Nidra for self-acceptance
-Radical acceptance mediations
-journalling
-Spinal kinetic therapy
-hip opening/ trauma release yoga (find a gentle one. trauma is stored in the hips)
(you can find guided practices on YouTube)
Goodluck. I'm sending my Love
