Healing hurts

*Fair warning this may be all over the place and hard to follow*

****Content warning**** self harm, abuse, suicide and possible others

Hi.........I am new here and have no idea what I am doing or the correct place to post this...ahh well......a little about me I guess, I am female 35 been dealing with chronic mental health from a very young age.. I don't really know what else, but please don't be afraid to ask me. Ok I guess here goes nothing.

I am struggling with some pretty intense and heavy emotions and they are getting incredibly more difficult to sit with. My life has changes drastically in the last 8-10 months, I am no longer working in the mental health sector, I have had a crisis hospital admission, Hospital in The Home and two 28 days stays for mental health. For context I have been doing well for about 6 years with no contact with public mental health services just my GP and private psychologist.

From that admission it was assessed that I was in a Complex Post Traumatic Stress episode. Now I have extensive history with services from my hear youth till about 25ish, and it was never mention to me nor did I hear it about myself until this year. The week before my admission my therapist and gp and both written that I was experiencing PTSD episode in a support letter, again had never hear this for myself (I knew if that makes sense but guess didnt feel real).

So this is something I am struggling with immensely. It has made some very hard realisation come to light and things that hurt a lot. I was so use to telling myself for so long that it wasn't that bad and that I was over exaggerating. But this is like physical concert evidence that it wasn't. My therapist even said something she probably shouldn't have (her words not mine) in that, she has worked for child protection and my case is the worse she has heard. Its hard to thing that your whole childhood was basically extreme (something I am still learning to say and/or sit with, it does not feel comfortable to me).

Here was me thinking my hospital admission was an over exaggeration............

During my two 28 day stays I had access to a form of trauma therapy known and imagery re-scripting. Both times during my stay I did sessions of this. It is intensive and changes some of your perspectives and beliefs that you have held for life. It has been one of the most powerful things I have every done in therapy. It has mostly been a positive experience however it has caused a lot of grief and hurt in way I never expected to feel it eg- for little me, for what I lost, what I experienced etc.

I can not explain how incredibly lonely this journey has made me feel tho, its like a level I have never experienced before. I feel I can not connect to others but also learning that I have had to navigate most of my life alone without support from family, at times professional support yes but not the same.

I am suffocating in pain, pain that I have blocked out for yeas and new pain that I am not use to. the grief is so heavy that I sometimes just don't even want to carry it anymore.

I feel that I struggle to express myself and my thought go faster than my fingers- plus irl i find it hard to stay on track anways.

I hope it at least makes some sense- be kind with me as I navigate new forum life I will find it hard to know my place when I should day something or when I should not. I am very socially awkward so I assume the same will be here