D1ng0Senior Contributor
Living with an eating disorder
Hey everyone, I hope you're doing okay. As a content warning, this post is about my experience of bulimia nervosa, and about global food insecurity caused by war and poverty.
I was diagnosed with my eating disorder earlier this year. I'm suffering from nutritional deficiencies and poor bone density, but I'm doing well. I have access to a dietician who specialises in EDs, a psychologist, a good GP, and a psychiatrist. Money is tight, but I'm managing.
I struggle with my eating disorder in a really specific way, which doesn't apply to my other conditions (depression, anxiety, chronic pain, et cetera). I follow global news very closely, because I think it's important to know what's going on in other countries, and I learn something new every day. It doesn't harm my mental health too much, except for this one specific recurring thought...
I am really frustrated by my eating disorder, because I have access to all of the food that I could possibly want. I hate my eating disorder because it's so illogical and stupid. I don't think I'm stupid for having an eating disorder, if that makes sense-- I'm frustrated with the condition itself. It seems so cruel and backwards.
In the news this morning, there was an interview with an aid worker who is trying to address malnutrition among a large population of children. I found myself very sad and angry. I'm horrified by their situation, I'm saddened by the crisis itself, and I'm angry that my disorder trivialises the food that I have access to. I hate this condition because it's such a vile thing. Even though I logically know otherwise, I feel like I shouldn't struggle with food. The fact that so many people simply cannot access food at all makes me hate my disorder, because they would give anything to live where I live, with the food access that I have.
I know that it's illogical, and that thinking this way doesn't actually help anyone. But the logic doesn't change the way I feel. I know that all I can do is save money so I might be able to donate to reputable charities. But I'm not making this post for practical reasons.
I'm just writing this post to make sense of my feelings. Surely I can't be the only one who struggles with this sort of frustration? Knowing that other people have it much, much worse makes me angry with my brain, because I should be able to appreciate the life-giving things I can easily access. But I can't. And that feels so twisted. It's not guilt, exactly. Just anger and sadness. I don't view suffering as a competition. I just feel frustrated.
Can anyone relate, even if you don't have an eating disorder? Regardless, some kind words would be much appreciated. And I hope today treats you well.
