TW: Domestic Violence and breaking the cycle of generational trauma

Hi @Spirited ,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing.

I hear you have been through a lot and done what you can to better yourselves despite the challenges of generational trauma. Do you have professional supports in place to work through some of this?

I hear how hard the relationship between your parents are as well as your relationship with your father. I hear you care about him, yet he doesn't make any effort to make changes. Have you ever spoken to him and perhaps offered to contact services for him? I wonder if deep down he wants support, but doesn't know where to look?

We appreciate you being so open with us and hope you get the support you deserve.

We are here for you.

Hi @Spirited and welcome to the forums 🙂

We hope that you find the forums a great place to connect with other members, share stories and ideas, and find the support and connection you deserve.

Feel free to Introduce yourself here if you haven’t already!

I can hear how much frustration you have for the fact that you have done a lot of healing work, have carried your parent's pain and unconscious patterns, and now just want them to get to the basic realisations that could help turn their lives around. It can make relating in the old ways with them very uncomfortable because you have changed, but they haven't been able to. For them to change might be very scary, because their whole life, their history would need to be examined. It can be too much for some people, if they are carrying unspoken traumas, or were not equipped with the skills to be able to examine their baggage.

Sometimes, I think part of loving ourselves through trauma/disfunction, is grieving our histories and forgiving them, forgiving what was passed down to us. Even or especially when we can't fix them in the ways we might hope. I can hear the compassion you have for your parents and siblings, for what was done.

A good friend of mine once gave me some advice, and it's taken me a few years to really understand (I'm probably still learning to understand it). She said 'healing isn't linear, it's not something we can give or ask of others. It's only something we give ourselves, and then that radiates outwards and changes things somehow'. It's helped me wrestle with the compassion, guilt and anger that trauma can bring.

Would your dad ever be open to talking/counselling with you?

Welcome, @Spirited ...I'm sorry to hear about your past history of trauma and violence 😢

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@Spirited wrote:

Just wish he would acknowledge and be accountable for his actions and seek help. Is that too much to ask?

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I know I brought up to my father all the lifetime damage he'd done by his abuse. I too wanted acknowledgement and accountability from him. But - he estranged me and refuses to look at his actions or say sorry. I don't think he'll ever be willing to change, as that would mean admitting he's wrong, and he's not man enough to do that.

Sorry to say, in all other similar situations that I've heard from people, it's always the same.

Hey @Spirited , How are you going today?

@tyme thanks for checking in. I've had some discussions today with my family members ( mother and sister) It can be really tricky to talk with them about my dad as I get triggered by the conversation and so do they. No one in my immediate family knows what to do. I think my dad is somewhat aware of his anger although he doesn't remember the day after the abuse when you talk to him due to beung drunk. I said to him to seek help but he says what for? He doesn't need it and thinks my sister and I are the ones with the problem because we seek counselling. My mother doesn't talk to him when he is drunk, because she has learned that it's not a good idea and doesn't want to cop abuse from him. What to do? When I was a kid this was pretty normal behaviour for my parents to engage in verbal conflict in front of me and my siblings. If I was in thier situation, I would leave, but I know it's not easy for them. I just wish they would end it and go thier separate ways or seek help and fix it instead of treating each other badly.

Hey @Spirited I'm sorry to hear things are so volatile for you in your family home. Sounds like he's unwilling to be accountable for his actions, and perhaps your mother is feeling a bit stuck and helpless. I'm glad you are getting some counselling support! Does your mum have anyone she talks to?

You could maybe encourage her to give Family Drug Support a call (or you yourself), to have a chat about how this is impacting your family? They may have some suggestions to try, too.

Thank you

Hey @Spirited

I'm new to the forums.

I have experienced domestic violence in my family and then because of the from my exs.

I grapple with the impact being exposed to that so young has on an adult and would like to say well done for being thoes behaviour and choosing to protect the next generation of you family.

For a lot of people I know myself included my parent will never admit they did anything wrong. Everytime I confronted them about it they brushed my off or said something to the effect of "we did our best" which is all well and good but they never took accountability and continued to cause havoc in my life which lead me to cut the off in late 2023.

And while it was a hard decision and hasn't been an easy 18 or so months I have more peace in my life not having my biological family in my life.

I'm glad you still have your siblings and they are also on your side, that might give your parents the wake up call they need to realise what they did wrong and take accountability.

Unfortunately no one can force accountability on someone else so if your parents do not want to change they won't. Which is a sobering realisation that to me a long while to accept.

I wish you all the best on this journey your on, while it isn't easy it is definitely worth while

Thanks for sharing , seems to be a common theme. 1/ That parents engaged in DV relationships don't want to be accountable for their actions and the impact it has on their childrens and grand childrens lives and 2/ In most cases, if it continues to impact your life, as sad as it is to cut your biological family out of your life, it may the best way to personally heal and deal with childhood trauma. I personally left for years living my life before returning during covid when I was 35 and saw things had gotten much worse than I can remember as a child (Although I mentally blocked alot of i out) I've lost nearly all respect for my father and my mother is mentally struggling , suffers from really bad anxiety, uses me as a scape goat for all her problems which she's constantly telling me about but doesn't want to fix any of it, due to it all being to difficult and thinking nothing will change with my father. It's so toxic and breaks my heart to watch.

Hi @Spirited

That sounds like such a burden, no-one taking accountability for any change. Maybe your mother would enjoy being able to talk things out with a support person?

It must be very empowering to have made so many changes for yourself now, looking back. It can be re-triggering to come back into the dynamic after so much time away and realise just how bad it was, and how well you were doing outside of it. If there was anything you could do to encourage further happiness for yourself, what could that look like? What do you want for your generation, and the next?