Dark thoughts due to isolation

@PizzaMondo Yes, you're exactly right. I think a lot of good people in my life just don't have the capacity to be supportive. It's not their fault. Like I said, I try to be really empathetic. I understand why people can't help me, but that understanding doesn't really make the isolation better. I'm always wary of sounding like I want the world to revolve around me, so I usually don't ask for help.

Well, that person is open to giving me support... but their support takes the form of unhealthy advice about fixing my eating disorder, for example 😓 So it's not usually helpful. And I have to be on guard for random transphobia lmfao

Thanks for the positivity! Yes, I am very glad to have finished my transition. No matter how difficult life is, it'll never be as difficult as my pre-transition years. I try to keep that in mind, but it's hard when I'm in the midst of a dark period.

Yeah, I told the QLife person that I had a therapist, but that my therapist wouldn't be available for a couple weeks, and the response was essentially, "that's very inconvenient". Like... yeah! You're telling me! 😅 That's why I'm reaching out for support!

Hey @D1ng0 just been reading along a little, and saw that you're trans! I am too - I'm nonbinary, and pre-medical transition. I am so glad to hear how much things have improved for you by transitioning. Really warms me to read 💜

If you ever wanna talk gender stuff, let me know - always happy to lend an ear 😁

Cheers @Jynx 😊 Whether you intend to affirm yourself medically or not, I wish you luck on your journey.

I don't think about gender stuff nearly as much as I used to, I really only think about being trans when I'm coming up against transphobic abuse, or when I'm having to advocate for myself. My friends (when I used to see them more often) actually forget that I'm trans, a lot of the time. Which is really nice, I definitely prefer it in my life. And it can lead to some funny conversations.

It is cool to know that there's a trans peer supporter here who can offer support, if I'm struggling, so thank you.

Aww @D1ng0 nice one! I love that you can forget. I remember the first time I ever forgot my deadname. It was only for a small moment, but it was enough to make me feel kinda giddy when I realised. Those little glimmers of goodness can be so meaningful within the whacky journey of gender! lol

Warms me to know you've got such supportive friends too! May our encounters with transphobes be few and far between 🤞

That sounds like a wonderful moment @Jynx, thank you for sharing that. And I hope you can avoid transphobic bigots, too.

(Rant ahead, sorry.)

I don't really have supportive friends anymore, which makes me very sad. Not that they're unsupportive as in rejecting my identity or whatever, they're unsupportive in the sense that they're just unavailable and don't respond when I reach out to see how they're doing. I'm hoping that won't be permanent. I miss them a lot. It's a huge contributor to my poor mental health. And I don't really know what to do. I've been really shocked by how few people think to check in on me, despite the fact that they know I'm dealing with nerve sensitisation, bulimia nervosa, alcohol use disorder, depression, et cetera, all on my own. Nobody seems to remember? Or care? Surely even one of those diagnoses warrants sympathy?

One of my practitioners has recommended a list of groups/programs, to combat the social isolation typical with chronic pain. I'm scared of taking the risk, because I will inevitably face the dilemma of whether to come out, or whether to sit there and keep up a poker face when bigoted comments are made. This applies to my gender and my sexuality, nowadays. I'm usually assumed to be a cisgender heterosexual man, when in reality I'm neither. This puts me in many uncomfortable situations, where people are making homophobic/transphobic jokes, assuming I'll laugh along. (Nothing wrong with being cisgender and heterosexual, of course, but that's very much not my situation.) So I have that extra barrier and fear around meeting new people, which is a huge burden that makes other struggles harder.

I feel completely empowered and confident when I'm sticking up for other minorities. When I hear comments made about other groups, I know how to defend those groups as an ally. But when it comes to defending my own identity (let alone coming out), I just freeze, try to escape the situation as soon as possible, and avoid socialising afterwards. I hate coming out as trans and try to avoid it unless I feel completely safe.

So, that's my "gender stuff". I don't experience any identity fluctuations, and I'm done figuring out my gender. But I think about being trans when the world forces me to.

I'd really love it if my friends were available more often. I absolutely don't want to treat them like my therapists. I want to hear how they're doing, as well. And I definitely miss the company of people who don't make my transsexual identity a big drama.

Ach, @D1ng0 I FEEL THIS - especially the shutting down in the face of it. If someone misgenders a friend, I am the first to speak up. But when it's my pronouns getting ignored or messed up, it's soooo much harder to be vocal. I don't think it's a logical thing - it's not a reflection of our capacity to stand up for what's right. I think it is literally just that engagement of the stress response, where suddenly we're put on high alert, spotlight shining on us, and we very quickly have to ascertain whether it is even safe to exist in that space anymore. Even in moments where logically, I know it would be safe for me to correct someone or stand up for myself, I can end up still stuck, words caught in my throat... it is rough.

I think it's definitely something not acknowledged nearly enough in conversations about isolation and mental health, or conversations about trans folk and their struggles - is the intersectionality of these identities. It's all well and good to say 'oh go join this club' or 'here's a support group for that issue' but finding the type of space that caters to those intersections? Sooo much harder.

So yeah, I think I'm in a similar boat - I don't feel like I need to work out my gender either, but there's still an ongoing, and unfortunately increasing, level of risk at being able to be ourselves as openly and unapologetically as we want.

I hope your friends do get back to you soon, or at least give you something to work with. Sometimes waiting and not knowing is just as hard as outright rejection.

Hey @George_23 @D1ng0

Thanks @PizzaMondo Don’t worry…it makes sense. I am a believer in vulnerability…. Maybe even talk too much about it…. My son had issues with others taking advantage…so sometimes I need to be careful and a bit of a devil’s advocate….

have a good night all

Thanks @Jynx, I appreciate your empathy. It's surprisingly nice to have my fears and feelings considered legitimate. When I've tried to talk about this with cis people, the response I often get is along the lines of, "just deal with it," as if I'm at fault for being afraid and repeatedly experiencing harassment. And when I've asked organisers whether their groups are trans-safe, I'm often told that they just can't guarantee my safety. I've been shocked by the number of cis practitioners who will say, "attend this group, you'll have a great experience," then when I ask whether I'll be safe to disclose in the group, they tell me, "I don't know". Why the fuck would they recommend it then, if they were never sure I'd be safe...? It's horrible.

The way I often feel is that people hate me, they just don't know it yet. Every time I'm around people who make homophobic/transphobic comments, they're actually talking about me, the guy who's standing right next to them. They just don't know it yet. That's part of the reason I miss my friends so much. Nobody else feels safe.

Yeah, I hope so, too. Honestly, if they told me, "I'm struggling at the moment and I won't be socialising for a while," then that would be fine. Of course I'd accept that. I've done that too, a few times, because I know what my limits are but I don't want to just drop out of people's lives.

Right now it just feels like nobody cares about me. Yet I feel selfish for wanting people to communicate with me.

TW: Self harm thoughts, suicidal ideation.

I really need support. I don't know how to deal with these thoughts.

@D1ng0 hey friend, first off just wanna commend you on being able to recognise what's happening for you, what this pattern/urge is about, and to be so open about it here with us. Might not feel like it, but to me that is bravery.

I can really relate to what you're talking about here too. I have experienced a lot of suicide and self-harm ideation in the past myself, and that thought process of like... 'what will it take for people to see how much I'm hurting' was a big part of it. I will tell you now that it is not selfish at all to want the people in our lives to perk up a bit and say 'hey, you seem to be struggling, what can I do to support you right now?'

We are social creatures, we're biologically wired to connect, and to be excluded, ignored, or otherwise left to our own devices is traumatising. It is not selfish to want your needs for connection to be met.

I think that a lot of cis people really cannot grasp the experience of what it's like to feel so unsafe in a room full of people when they're making transphobic/homophobic comments like that. I dunno about you, but for me it's sometimes enough to kick start my internalised shame about my identity - something I've worked really hard to overcome.

Do you have any go-to coping skills that help you to manage self-harm urges?