D1ng0Senior Contributor
Dark thoughts due to isolation
Hello. I am having some dark thoughts due to how isolated I am, and how rarely friends/family reach out and see whether I'm okay, let alone answer messages I've left asking how they're doing. I try to communicate and keep relationships alive, but it's not working. Nobody else is putting in the effort and I'm alone. My two closest friends seem to have disappeared. I get it, I know that other people have hard lives and their own priorities, but no matter how understanding I am, that doesn't make the isolation easier. I try to be super empathetic, as I don't want to be selfish, but it's not helping now. Losing my faith in people is a big red flag. That means I'm headed down a dangerous road.
I've talked about my story a bunch of times on the forums, but here's some of what I'm dealing with: Depression, anxiety, chronic pain, insomnia (plus nightmares, night terrors, et cetera), alcohol use disorder (I have been sober for over 2 years), bulimia nervosa (very recently diagnosed), trauma, and online harassment (talked about that in this SANE post). There is also other stuff that's too personal to discuss, but I hope that's enough info.
TW: Suicidal thoughts, mentions of unsupportive family members, mentions of the online abuse which included suicide-baiting.
These thoughts often happen when I'm lying awake at night, trying to go to sleep. I realise how completely alone I am, and start to wonder whether anyone would notice if I disappeared. I know that people would notice eventually, but as time keeps passing without anyone reaching out, I can't help but feel abandoned. It's a fact that nobody would notice for quite a while. That's not catastrophizing, it's literally true.
Even when people do reach out to me, it's often unhelpful. After I received online abuse saying that I deserve to die (among other things), I tried to tell a family member what happened, and this person just said, "you need to move on and get over it". Recently, I tried to tell the same family member that I am extremely depressed and not doing okay, and they literally said, "but you are okay, right?" I answered that no, I'm not okay. And then, the response was, "you'll be okay". Thanks... that's very helpful. I'm sure it'll magically happen just because you say it.
In the past, when I have had suicidal thoughts, they have been very urgent and emotional, and they only happened when I was extremely upset, so the solution was really simple; avoid becoming extremely upset, and the suicidal thoughts won't happen. I dealt with those thoughts successfully back then. But the suicidal thoughts I'm experiencing right now are calm, almost logical. I feel much more depressed than I've ever been, and the suicidal thoughts feel like a natural conclusion which my brain arrives at. I've never been this numb before. The suicidal thoughts feel as commonplace as thoughts about housework. How do I possibly combat that when I am always depressed, and experiencing wild mood swings?
Earlier on in my chronic pain journey, after being misdiagnosed several times, I experienced suicidal thoughts because suicide seemed like the only way to escape the physical sensations, and nobody (doctors, nurses, physiotherapists) was helping me. In fact, they were hurting me. Those specific suicidal thoughts have eased off since I've been diagnosed with nerve sensitisation and found practitioners who listen, but since I am in pain every single day and the road to recovery is very long, this feeling still occurs. So, there are multiple distinct things causing suicidal thoughts.
I am safe for now, but these thoughts are scaring me, and they're happening more and more frequently.
I have a psychologist, but I can't see them nearly enough, and they're not a crisis service. I have called mental health helplines in the past and it's rarely helpful. (Last time I was on hold for 1 hour.) I'm not sure what I need. Maybe some solidarity, if you folks have struggled with thoughts similar to mine. Or just some kind words. If you have any advice, I'd be grateful, even if it turns out not to apply in my circumstances. Just the gesture would help me believe I'm not alone. Thank you in advance, and I hope you're doing okay.
