D1ng0Senior Contributor
Dealing with hate speech and threats
Good morning, everyone... well, not a good morning for me, but I hope you're doing okay. I'll put most of my post under a trigger warning, just to be safe.
TW: Transphobia, suicide baiting, anxiety, depression, sexual harassment and threats of sexual violence, general threats, etc.
This isn't the first time I've received online abuse, but it has been a while, so my defences were lowered. It's hit me really hard. I try not to think about how awful some people can be, because dwelling on this stuff can be soul-crushing, which means that nasty incidents really stand out.
Without going into too much detail, I'm practically safe at the moment, if not emotionally safe. I've blocked this person and they can't reach me again. I won't be receiving any more hate mail. So I'm just making this post to try and deal with what I've already received.
This person sent me a long message telling me that I'm disgusting, I deserve to die and all trans people deserve to be dead, I'm delusional for transitioning (never mind that delusions are an actual diagnosable thing, but I digress), and I should be ashamed to be trans. They used anti-trans slurs, too.
Now, I know that none of this is true. I worked very hard in therapy to ensure that transitioning wouldn't be a mistake... if anything, I was overly cautious when I should've just gone with my gut. I have no regrets, I love myself and my body, and I know that this person is clearly wrong. I am in no doubt that I made the right choice. I was born this way, my gender dysphoria was not going away unless I transitioned, and living as my most authentic self is (usually) so peaceful. I would not give up my real body, or my real life, for anything. My gender is one of the most solid, established, secure, and stable things about me. I am finished doing the work to figure out who I am.
To put it simply, this hate mail does not make me doubt myself or my transition. It just makes me feel unsafe. It makes me trust people less.
In the past, I have received this kind of abuse. I have been threatened with corrective rape and beatings to "fix" my trans identity. I have been suicide baited several times. I have been told that I should hurt myself, I don't deserve to be alive, I am stupid, I am worthless, I am a lemming just following a trend, etc. I don't believe any of it. None of this awful stuff makes me doubt who/what I am. It just makes me severely anxious.
Like most people suffering from chronic pain, I am dealing with a lot of mental health struggles. Since the event which caused my pain, my anxiety and depression has been severe. This abusive person has made me feel worse. More anxious, because being told such horrific things is frightening, and more depressed, because I expected that this would happen eventually. I figured that abuse and threats would be directed at me again. It was only a matter of time. The fact that my doom-and-gloom prediction turned out to be correct makes the hopelessness pretty strong. I'm already incredibly isolated and, although that isolation is awful, my anxiety is telling me to just stay isolated so I'm safer. In fact, my anxiety is telling me that I should isolate myself more. I know it won't help, but that's what my inner voice is telling me.
I guess, some sympathy or empathy would be nice? I just feel awful. Receiving vile hate mail before dawn has really put a damper on my day.
Thanks in advance for replying. I hope you're doing alright.
