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How do you deal with social anxiety which occurs after socialising?

D1ng0Senior Contributor02 Apr 2024, 9:48 am AEDT

How do you deal with social anxiety which occurs after socialising?

Hey everyone, I hope you're doing okay. I hope those who took a break over the Easter period are well-rested, especially the mods, peer supporters, community leaders, etc. Cheers for your hard work and support.

TW: My experiences of social anxiety and unwelcome/obsessive thoughts.

Content/trigger warning

For a long while now, I've been dealing with unwelcome/obsessive thoughts after social interactions, mainly when hanging out with friends. It's gotten worse as I've been more isolated and am seeing people less often (due to nerve pain and mental illness). When I recently saw a friend, we had a good time hanging out, and they gave absolutely zero indication that they were unhappy with me. I was totally fine while we were together. Afterwards though, when I was alone, my brain kept telling me, "you need to send them a message apologising". It's completely irrational, as there's no problem to apologise for, but the impulse occurs every time I interact with my friends... And this feeling makes me want to interact with my friends less, which I know will only worsen my mental health. I see people so infrequently as it is.

The feeling is strongest when either of my two closest friends ask about how I'm doing, and I answer honestly. I always feel like I'm dumping my problems on them, despite the fact that they're asking because they care, and I always listen to their struggles/problems as well, because I care about them too. I know socialising is good for me, and I need to do it more, but I feel so much safer just being on my own... which is a slippery slope that ultimately harms me. But it's so hard for me to maintain even two close friendships. Between depression, anxiety, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, bulimia nervosa, et cetera, I feel completely overwhelmed by the process of socialising. My thoughts go around in circles and fixate on the idea that I've done something wrong while socialising.

For a long while now, I've been dealing with unwelcome/obsessive thoughts after social interactions, mainly when hanging out with friends. It's gotten worse as I've been more isolated and am seeing people less often (due to nerve pain and mental illness). When I recently saw a friend, we had a good time hanging out, and they gave absolutely zero indication that they were unhappy with me. I was totally fine while we were together. Afterwards though, when I was alone, my brain kept telling me, "you need to send them a message apologising". It's completely irrational, as there's no problem to apologise for, but the impulse occurs every time I interact with my friends... And this feeling makes me want to interact with my friends less, which I know will only worsen my mental health. I see people so infrequently as it is.The feeling is strongest when either of my two closest friends ask about how I'm doing, and I answer honestly. I always feel like I'm dumping my problems on them, despite the fact that they're asking because they care, and I always listen to their struggles/problems as well, because I care about them too. I know socialising is good for me, and I need to do it more, but I feel so much safer just being on my own... which is a slippery slope that ultimately harms me. But it's so hard for me to maintain even two close friendships. Between depression, anxiety, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, bulimia nervosa, et cetera, I feel completely overwhelmed by the process of socialising. My thoughts go around in circles and fixate on the idea that I've done something wrong while socialising.

If you have personally experienced social anxiety after seeing people (especially people who care about you), how have you dealt with it?

If you feel an irrational impulse to apologise for non-existent problems, how do you overcome those thoughts?

I feel like my brain retroactively inserts conflict into completely friendly, calm experiences. Walking on non-existent eggshells is exhausting.

Solidarity is welcome, even if you have no advice. Thank you in advance.

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In response to: How do you deal with social anxiety which occurs after socialising?

D1ng0Senior Contributor03 Apr 2024, 7:11 am AEDT

Re: How do you deal with social anxiety which occurs after socialising?

Hey @chibam, thank you for the support. When it comes to my two closest friends, I definitely do love being around them when I'm capable of that, and having those friendships really matters to me. The connection itself feels good, but it's as though my brain takes good things and twists them, so I'm never confident that I haven't upset people in retrospect, and that makes me paranoid. I really do obsess over it, and in the end I feel safer when I'm on my own, because isolation means nobody can hate me for doing/saying something wrong. If I'm completely isolated, I don't have to deal with the thoughts about being hated or rejected. Those thoughts occur even when a friend has laughed with me, chatted with me, and hugged me during hanging-out. It's like some part of my mind is disconnected from reality.

To be honest, I'm wondering if I need to dig into my OCD tendencies, and whether that's impacting me more than I've realised. Because I can usually resist my more blatant OCD impulses (blinking, tapping, breathing movements), I disregarded the possibility that it could be affecting me in other ways. My sibling has OCD as well, although they've been diagnosed and I haven't. With trauma, social anxiety, depression, et cetera in the mix, it's getting harder and harder to figure out what's causing what, on my own at least... So I think I need to bring this up with a psychologist.

In response to: How do you deal with social anxiety which occurs after socialising?

D1ng0Senior Contributor03 Apr 2024, 7:25 am AEDT

Re: How do you deal with social anxiety which occurs after socialising?

Hey @Xibon, thank you for the support and for sharing your experiences. I'm really glad you've been able to tackle having a low self-worth, I experienced that a long time ago and it's such an upsetting way of thinking. It is really helpful to hear about your experiences because (solidarity aside, which I also do appreciate) it's interesting to pinpoint that I actually don't have low self-esteem or self-worth. That question on the K10 is always a zero for me. It's more like I'm intensely afraid of people, and socialising feels very dangerous. After I socialise, it's as though my brain goes into over-protect mode, wanting me to apologise to my friends just in case I upset them, to save me from being emotionally harmed by a friend hating/rejecting me. My instinct is to keep myself safe, because I do care about myself. I dunno if that explanation makes sense, but that's kinda how it feels. I'm still trying to figure it all out.

Thank you for the kind words 😊 I really do value this community space.

In response to: How do you deal with social anxiety which occurs after socialising?

Max33Contributor17 Apr 2024, 8:05 pm AEST

Re: How do you deal with social anxiety which occurs after socialising?

@D1ng0 @ from Max33

You have chronic pain and fatigue which affect your thinking and mental health. Socialising is difficult when you are unwell. It's a complicated activity. Think well about yourself after socialising because you tried and got through it. I am in the same boat and now I would only socialise when I felt well. If you feel unwell or anxious then you can leave and enjoy your walk home or enjoy some quiet time when you get home. I like to walk to a park close by and sit and watch the birds and the trees. I have conversations with neighbour's dogs that bark hello behind their fence. The dogs are lonely too..