Compassion fatigue: When caring hurts too much

I hear loss and grief in your story @Luigi

This is not what you had planned for yourself, right? Or for your son!

It appears that anger is a secondary emotion that is more easily expressed and accepted in our society, but more difficult to address are those emotions of hurt, abandonment, resentment and sadness.

How would you feel about connecting with other carers @Luigi?

The support and understanding of those in a similar role can be like honey.

It's time for you to be nurtured and replenished

Hi @Luigi

I'm sorry to read that you're at this point. There is definitely more people you can talk to.

There is a discussion here which outlines some different support options.

...and of course, you have this community.

I hope you utilise this support and find it helpful - you deserve it.

After reading the posts on this topic, and just airing my feelings have helped me a lot. I find it so interesting, even after all this time, that even though I recognize I have fatique, and from what, it doesn't connect till I read something. I seem to just ignore my symptoms and carry on. I don't think I am explaining myself very well, but after reading these posts, I felt the burden on my shoulders float away, and I am in a better frame of mind about myself and what I need to do that is good for me. Weird.

@fran your post makes complete sense to me. Sometimes just knowing that there are others who really 'get' my experience can take a load of the chest. Knowing what we're feeling is abnormal and a common and shared experience with others.

@Luigi and @maddison I often think that with every strength comes vulnerabilty. Like with light there are shadows. Being a caring and compassionate person is a strength, but the dark side is that it means that we can forget to care for ourselves and it drains us. Finding a balance is hard.

If you could have one day to yourself to do whatever you wanted to do outside of your caring role - what would you?

@maddison Yes! I can relate. Over the years I've started to take notice of when I'm starting to loose my cool with the people that I care about. It helps me take a step back (not all of the time though!) to gather myself before I attempt to give more of myself when I'm starting to where thin, which otherwise would lead to reactivity and/or negativity.

An example of this is when I had a friend stay with me. They had ended up homeless due to conflict with their housemates. At the time, I was working a lot, as well as studying, which made it hard to be there for my friend. To make things worse, I'd come home after 12 hour days, exhausted to find that she hadn't even gotten out of bed (at 9pm!). I found it so hard to keep my cool that I would be harsh rather than assertive. I'd focus on the problem (thinking about how lazy she was), rather than look at solutions (e.g., what can be done to help get her up in the morning).

When I do behave negatively I can also feel quite ashamed. For me, what it boils down to most of the time is that I need to be in a good headspace if I want to stay calm when confronted with challenging behaviours. When I'm tired, things can go down the drain and I can get reactive.

As for my day off: A few years ago (too long ago) I treated myself to a massage every couple of weeks. It really helped make the hassles in life, roll of my back like water on a duck's back.

Just read this through Facebook - "It is through compassion that we learn to heal old wounds and hurts, and it is through compassion that we discover our true acceptance towards others and ourselves."

I know when I am in that way of being, everything works so much better for me and the person I care about.

Answer to the question. A swim, a movie either at home or cinema, then just chilling out at home with my husband.

I love that quote @fran - I think it speaks volumes to what @maddison I were talking about. Thanks for sharing.

I wonder how many of us will have time to do some of these activities in the next week?

I'm planning a sleep-in tomorrow! That's a treat for me.