Alice6Contributor
A Burden
Context: I grew up with domestic violence perpetrated by my dad and a mother who was emotionally absent due to mental illness.
I feel like I really need a parent. In my mind, it’s someone who takes an interest in my life, who knows me, who feels safe, who spends time with me, who is protective of me and who shows up for me when I need them or when I succeed. Often, when I see other people with their parents or I hear stories about really positive parenting, it is extremely difficult for me. I’ve kind of developed this idea that my existence was a mistake and that’s why I don’t have a parent. It’s like a glitch in the system that I came to be and that’s why I can’t have my needs met.
I understand that the common response to this is ‘be your own parent’ and in a lot of ways I understand this because I guess it’s not fair to ask someone to play that role. I got caught up in this idea that if I was great enough as a person then someone would just want to be my parent because they could see how much I deserved it.
My therapist is currently on leave to be there for his daughter who is currently representing Australia in an international sporting competition in Europe. I feel devastated. His daughter is so pretty and she’s competing in a sport I loved as a child. I can’t compete with her in any way and I know her dad will always be there for her. What a triggering couple of days this has been. I really wanted him to be my dad but I can’t compete. I’m not as extraordinary. I know that he wants to be there for me too.
I have this sense like I just need to leave everyone alone. I find myself in lots of situations where I think “will they want to be my parent?” or “if I asked this person to show up for me, would they want to do that?”. When these thoughts come up, I always reach a point where I think “well there’s no incentive for them to want to be there” and I feel so abandoned by the world.
I also find myself looking for stories and movies where an abandoned child finds a parent in an uncle, or a teacher, or someone unexpected. I’ve even found stories of animals that do that. There’s something about it that validates the idea that I was a mistake because people do find people who want to play that role for them. I just can’t seem to do that.
I get it. I have to be alone. I guess I just wanted to say that I really would have appreciated a parent, and genuinely, I would’ve been such a good daughter. When I think about how I took care of my mum went she went through her psychotic episodes, and how much I put myself aside for my dad, I would’ve loved that parent.
I’m walking down a path these days where I can feel in my heart how much I’m reaching out my hand for someone to just hold it, but I know there’s no reason for anyone to hold it back.
Does anyone have any tips for not being such a burden and just keeping to myself? (Please don’t tell me to reparent myself. I would rather leave the seats of my parents empty than try to fill them myself. I know that what I need, I cannot give to myself, even if no one ever understands that.)
