Guilt 😔

Hey everyone, this is a bit of a long story I'll try my best not to write a novel.

I need advice-

So I have carpal tunnel syndrome and I'm coming up to my 6th year, I worked consistently since I was 14 years old, always worked hard and have had multiple jobs at times all of the work I have done is pretty hands on.

My history of carpal tunnel is a long and and has destroyed me mentally as well as physically. I was 25 going on 26 when I first starting getting mild symptoms and put it down to just working to much because I needed to so I could provide, my dad is a workaholic and I was taught at a young age to have good work ethic and to work and I guess it's just who I am very much my father's daughter.

actual the pain and numbing and grip started to progress I went to my gp and seeked advice - said flat out I was too young and I'm wasting his time and there is actual sick people that needed his help. So that didn't sit well with me and because I suffer debilitating anxiety I didn't go back for a while.

Living in a rural area getting to see doctors wasn't an easy task- the second doctor I saw refused to send me for any scans due to covid and he said like the other doctor wasn't necessary because of my age even though with the doctor's I've seen I've explained that my mother her sister her brother and her mother have all had it and when I explained it to them they knew exactly what was wrong. But being let down once again I just shut off and continued on with life

2020- my partner got extremely ill very fast with unknown causes so he couldn't do anything for himself and it lasted for 18 months doctor visits surgeries it was horrendous for him.

So I put my own health on the back burner and worked 2 jobs pretty well 7 days a week to make ends meet and having my kids with me 95% of the time I did everything from keeping the house In order work making sure my kids were happy and healthy my kids would go to school and they would be at work with me most of the time, I had help here and there which was a godsend. I look back on it now and don't know how I did it.

So after he was better he got a job and life started getting back on track so I went to another doctor and I didn't have much hope. He told me to come back when I was alot worse and by that time I was in constant pain and my mental health was declining.

I decided to try one more doctor and they finally listened and my scans weren't good at all so my doctor suggested hand therapies and exercises and massage which I did didn't work so I went back and gave had 2 rounds of ultrasound assisted cortisone injections in both hands so after doing all I could he finally referred me to seeing a surgeon which I didn't in November of last year they ordered a nerve conduction study so see the severity and it was very severe so went back to the surgeon and he said ok 3 months and you'll be having surgery I was relieved because its only 3 more months and i can wait. I still needed to work I forced myself to do so because without the extra wage coming in we wouldn't survive so I waited the 3 months and February was surgery month I waited for tome and date and when I didn't hear anything I called the hospital and I was in utter shock and shattered that the hospital not the surgeon knocked me back now my mental state is at the point of not wanting to go on anymore. I am on the highest dose of nerve blockers I can be on and the pain, numbness, loss of strength swelling shaking is more than I can bare anymore.

The question I have is should I feel guilty for trying to get on a government payment for medical reasons until I have my surgery? Because I feel like a piece of shit for considering it, my doctor strongly advised I stop work because I'll be doing permanent damage to my hands. I have guilt because I don't feel like I'm providing for my kids but I've reached my breaking point. I'm in physical and mental agony.

Thanks for reading