Where Do You Get Help?

Hello Snowdrop

I think you are doing the right thing in asking for help here, as a long time MI sufferer we can get pretty selfish, for my two bobs worth I feel it is depression that causes a sense of entitlement, its like help me or be nice to me because I am sick and I can't help the way I am, and that can surface in mean ways sometimes, I think seeing a psychologist is a good idea, but ask her/him to teach you how people with MI feel how they think, try to learn what your son is going through, can you explain to your son that it is very important that he let you go and visit him, one day you might not be here, and he will have thoughts that he should have let you visit or treated you better, this is happening to me now, my dad had a mental illness all his life and we did'nt get on that well, only in the last few years when I had the realisation that he wont be around forever, he died in april last year and I constantly feel I should have treated him better.

There may not be an outside reason your son has an MI, it could be melancholic depression which happens without a reason or trigger and has a genetic influence.

I would be buggared without my mum, but she has had to tolerate a lot from me, I think its worth explaining to your son that you care and to please let you come and see him, try to get his ok, just turning up is also a good idea I think, your other siblings could probably benefit from learning about MI also and understand that it can cause bad behaviour that looks like selfishness.

Does your son acknowledge that he has a mental illness?

It's an interesting thing about the sense of entitlement and it's relationship to MI. I would have said that the two concepts aren't really related... but then again, maybe they are.

@Snowdrop, what specifically do your other children say your depressed son does that makes them feel he has a sense of entitlement? Do you agree? Do you believe that he does have a sense of entitlement?

How does one develop a sense of entitlement? I don't believe I have one, and yet I have had severe depression.

I suppose if you were going about assuming that life owed you everything and then you realized you didn't have everything you wanted... it could get you down. But wouldn't you then just change your assumption? Would you go on assuming you were entitled to the world, even when all evidence pointed against it?

Perhaps.

If you really can't accept reality than I suppose you would end up depressed. But plenty of other things can cause depression, too.

It's not a bad idea to go and see your son in QLD, but if he really doesn't want to see you and gets annoyed that you came... will you be ok with that?

Thank you 'getbetter' yes my son is well aware he has a MI, has known it for years and has been treated for years.

In the times when he is coping things are not too bad and we can have conversations on a certain level - but under the surface there is always this feeling from him that 'nothing has gone his way', 'everyone is against him', 'why do people walk all over him', 'why does he allow people to walk all over him', 'why are people purposefully hurtfull to him', 'etc'

This is what my daughter says is his sense of entitlement. As she puts it bluntly to me 'S... happens to all of us but we can't always take it personally, we just have to get on with life believing that few people actually go around hurting us on purpose'

This is what my son can't see. Anything said against his views, ideas, thoughts means that you are against him, don't care for him etc and this is why he will not speak to his siblings.

You have hit the nail on the head with your comment - its like help me or be nice to me because I am sick and I can't help the way I am. His siblings believe he would rather wallow in this than make an effort to change it. I, rightly or wrongly, believe that right now he is incapable of changing this thinking. I don't believe he is being manipulative and being this way on purpose, although sometimes I have to admit that the thought goes through my head - why can't you see you bring a lot of this on yourself.

It's also why I am not as blunt with him as I would be with my other children. They would likely be upset, could tell me I am wrong, and maybe not speak to me for a couple of days (if I had said something really upsetting - which I usually dont!) But with my MI son either the phone would be put down (giving me more cause to worry), or he tell me he always knew I didn't care and was like his siblings - then the phone would be put down.

There is no way in the world that I could say to him that he should have treated me better in any context at all, because it would re-open flood gates about how although he knows I care on a certain level, I chose to take the side of his siblings at certain times in his life when he was very vulnerable and I didn't help him. We have been down this path so many times and although I have tried to explain that I am sorry and I didn't know and didn't understand (we are talking about a period 18 - 25 years ago) it doesn't help him and I can hear the pain in his voice. So again I feel useless. Why didn't I know? Why did I think it was just an 'age' thing and he would grow out of it.

I have so many questions and I know that there are no real answers. Every question, every suggestion just brings up more questions and issues.

I feel like I am dammed if I do and dammed if I dont. At the end of the day I have to make the decision and live with the consequences as I am well aware that there is no one answer for everyone.

I wonder if anyone who is not closely connected with someone with a MI truly understands what it is like and what the implications are, not only for the sufferer but also for those who love him/her. I don't think they do.

Thank you for the reply Fadin, no this level of difficulty is not with me predominantly - in fact I would say it is the other way round. It seems to be predominantly with everyone else with his father and I acting somehwat as an anchor (for want of a better word). It is me he comes to when he is feeling lost, alone, lonely, anxious, depressed (or a combination of) and doesn't know which way to turn. He doesn't expect me to give him answers but just needs me to listen and (I think) tell him I care.

He has written his siblings off because they tell him the way it is (or at least their view of it) and he doesn't like this. If they are not with him for whatever reason then they are against him and he wants nothing to do with them. I know that they will always be there for him but at the moment have had enough of his verbal abuse.

My son just rang and as I heard his ring tone ( have a different tone for each of my children) I made the split decision that I would tell him that when I take my grandchildren home in mid January I will come to his city. That I need to see him and if it is only for overnight and a meal that is fine and I can stay in a backpackers (told you all I am self sufficient - in some ways )

He started off by speaking sharply to me yesterday. In the last 3 months he has had about 4 migraines. He has been to a specialist but the best medications interact with his depression medications and the only thing that he can take is panadeine forte. He did have a period about a year ago where he became dependent on medication with codeine in it and it frightened him and he managed to wean himself off it. It took him a while and was painfull but he did it, so he is loathe to take anything with codeine in again as he is frightened of becomming addicted, so he just takes panadein (which has little effect). Anyway - the apology was nice and a reminder to me that the caring son I know I have is somewhere in there. He's broke until payday but has food in his pantry and walks to work and has recently replenished his medication so he says he will manage.

So I told him what I was going to do and he said he had rung to say that a friend (who now lives permanetly in Europe - which is probably why they are still friends ) will be in Australia and has suggested they meet up (in a different city) for my son's birthday. So my son says that he will fly home for a few days (which will get him out of his flat), then go to his friends, then back to his place and back to work.

I feel so happy. How little it takes for me to feel some happiness about my son............ I know that tomorrow may see a different son and a different mood etc and I'll be continuing my saga, but for today he is coping.

Fadin and Sahara your last posts both gave food for thought and I will reply to them later. Right now I feel the need for a cup of coffee.

Many thanks for all who hang in there with me.

iam from a family where my mother was stressed for many years jobs she had demanding. then my brother seeked to drugs and depression. I remember mum saying that my brother was her first thing she needed to get him help. there was alot going on for my parents just before i went overseas. i think sending my overseas caused me to go insane but got my brother back on track. I now have Schizophreia. Both my parents have had alot to deal with over the last 10 years or so. She and i saw the same person seperately which helped us both. my point is there is help out there for you. Stress can cause alot of mental health problems down the track and even depression can come from it. i think i didn't spiral until i moved away to my brothers cause of the work was just too stressful that i was doing. my parents got me back home and now iam on 4 different types of medication to help me and lucky to have stronger support around me.BUT some people dont have what i have that fusstraights me. can you talk to your other half just tell him your stressed? people are right you can ask your gp for a referal to person that you would be willing to talk to. 10 free sessions that are covered by medicare. I had to pay my theripst a fee and got some money back through medicare i don't recomment it but it was worth seeing her and so i didn't mind paying the difference. but there are organisatoins that offered free conselling matter of goggling someone in your area or just seeing if yur GP can book a double appointment to get a mental health plan done

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@Snowdrop wrote:

I personally don't have a mental illess/issue (not sure what the politically correct term is nowadays 🙂 )

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@Snowdrop wrote:

I personally don't have a mental illess/issue (not sure what the politically correct term is nowadays 🙂 )

I am stressed - yes! But my stress is my inability to know how to help my son.

My stress is being frightened that despite the positives in his life there will come a time when the negatives just get one too much.

My stress is trying to help, but at the same time being frightened that I may say the wrong thing, and because of his nature, he will cut ties and then have no-one.

My stress is the worry that I am going about this all the wrong way, that in trying to help I am in fact either hindering or making things worse.

Are his siblings correct in that his depression is caused by his 'sense of entitlement', or am I correct that his 'sense of entitlement' is a symptom of his depression.

I wish I could just deal with each issue as it comes along rather than worry about his lonliness and depression, his feelings of why me ............... often caused when he has tried to get something right and it has just gone pear shaped. I know this happens to all of us and he also knows this. I think the trouble is that there are so few 'ups' in his life to balance the 'downs'.

I know that some people may read this and wonder why I think I have problems - and I do willingly acknowledge that there are many many people who are so much worse off than me.

I have my faith which helps me in many ways ......... but seeing my son suffer. That is hard and my faith doesnt always sustain me when I hear him crying.

Books - I'm up to my ears in them - but I will note those that have been suggested to me.

I'm well aware I am asking for the impossible when I look for an answer. Even in my heart of hearts I know that the only answer is to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

But it doesn't hurt to keep looking - someone may have a clue that will help things even slightly.

And yes, in the absence of someone to talk to, I do find it helps to write my thoughts and feelings down. Maybe the answer is within me.

As a mother, well, I think we would all prefer to suffer ourselves rather than see our children in pain. A natural mother reaction I think.

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I am stressed - yes! But my stress is my inability to know how to help my son.

My stress is being frightened that despite the positives in his life there will come a time when the negatives just get one too much.

My stress is trying to help, but at the same time being frightened that I may say the wrong thing, and because of his nature, he will cut ties and then have no-one.

My stress is the worry that I am going about this all the wrong way, that in trying to help I am in fact either hindering or making things worse.

Are his siblings correct in that his depression is caused by his 'sense of entitlement', or am I correct that his 'sense of entitlement' is a symptom of his depression.

I wish I could just deal with each issue as it comes along rather than worry about his lonliness and depression, his feelings of why me ............... often caused when he has tried to get something right and it has just gone pear shaped. I know this happens to all of us and he also knows this. I think the trouble is that there are so few 'ups' in his life to balance the 'downs'.

I know that some people may read this and wonder why I think I have problems - and I do willingly acknowledge that there are many many people who are so much worse off than me.

I have my faith which helps me in many ways ......... but seeing my son suffer. That is hard and my faith doesnt always sustain me when I hear him crying.

Books - I'm up to my ears in them - but I will note those that have been suggested to me.

I'm well aware I am asking for the impossible when I look for an answer. Even in my heart of hearts I know that the only answer is to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

But it doesn't hurt to keep looking - someone may have a clue that will help things even slightly.

And yes, in the absence of someone to talk to, I do find it helps to write my thoughts and feelings down. Maybe the answer is within me.

As a mother, well, I think we would all prefer to suffer ourselves rather than see our children in pain. A natural mother reaction I think.

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e this helps...