Realisations of my reality/s

Ohhh heyyyy,

So thought I would just share my thoughts that I can’t share with the rest of the world as judgement and pity isn’t what I’m looking for.

also I’m new here you can refer to me as Carasmatic 😊 I’m a 36 yr old female, her, them/they whatever you choose I’m easy. I’m just not a him. Please do comment whatever you want I want to get to know other like minded people always open to advice love a deep chat.

so long story short I got diagnosed with perinatal depression then the psychiatrist diagnosed me with major depressive disorder with onset auditory hallucinations they have put me on meds for schizophrenia.

That was nearly 2 years ago.

my symptoms were (/are - will explain later)

paranoia - thought I was being watched all the time, thought it was my partner then his mum then my friends then some dark evil cult that get off on terrorising people for there own enjoyment. I went on a roller coaster of who it was that I thought was watching

auditory hallucinations- so once I heard my sister and dad talking but apart from that it was always 2 guys and 1 female and what they were doing was just criticising everything I did every decision I would make

mood swings - (still happen) so once a month before the monthly is due I have uncontrollable mood swings that I take out on my partner of 10 years like I’m a teenage girl I say horrible things to him that I know will hurt him and I absolutely hate myself for it but it’s like I have no control it all just comes out and I can’t stop. He’s hasn’t been a perfect angel in the past but it’s still no excuse to treat him like this! I know that!

anxiety - where to begin, I honestly have to work myself up to leave the house going to the super market is a big deal catching up with friends going out for meals ya know just the usual anxiety symptoms walking into a place to catch up with someone and not knowing where they are sitting is probably my biggest one so annoying

depression - manic depression depressed about my living situation my job what I’ve done with my life about myself alot of self hatred.

I self sabotage a lot too… I can never finish anything I start, can’t remember a thing, thee worst memory ever, have zero motivation, past history of meth abuse and genetically screwed as my mum was in a mental hospital for awhile when I was about 2 she thought she could turn lights on and off and hear peoples thoughts etc anyways… apparently that increased my chances of getting some type of mental health diagnosis.

all of this is me but when I’m with my son he’s my focus he makes me happy he keeps me sane he’s my distraction. ❤️ I’ve never felt love like this before ❤️

sorry sidetracked there uhmmm what was I talking about shizzzz…?

oh yeah so that’s my mental state dunno if I do have schizophrenia though but the meds they have me on were working like a treat until lately that’s where my conundrum has come into play.

I’ve just come to the realisation that because I’ve been starting to cut down on my meds (approved by my dr) my symptoms have started to return I’m hearing the voices again 😞 so now I’m at the realisation that maybe i don’t have what i was diagnosed with and maybe it is schizophrenia and it’s permanent. That scares me only cause I was lead to believe my perinatal depression was the cause of this all and now it’s been 2 years and it’s still there then maybe I’ve done some permanent damage to my brain.

I know it’s not the end of the world or anything but it’s a lot to take in and accept that I’ll be on meds for the rest of my life.

for the record I honestly think the voices are real even though I know they are not! even if someone proved to me they weren’t there I wouldn’t believe it till they were actually gone cause I can definitely hear them…. If that makes sense.

anyway nice to meet you all hopefully this chat will continue and I’ll make some new friends