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Today is 5 years since I was attacked and sexually assaulted. I know I survived it but I don't feel like a survivor.
I feel beaten and broken like I was that night. I feel like I deserve where my life has ended up.
I know I'm trying to take control of my life and change my situation. But days like today it hard not to regress into the despair and helplessness.
On the first anniversary I got rhe word survivor as a tattoo....I'm a liar. I can't. I'm just a miserable victim of a drunk guy who took advantage of a stupid person alone at night.
@The-red-centaur i got this quote from twitter during the women's marches "we spend countless hours teaching girls how to avoid being r*ped, how much time do we spend teaching boys not to r*pe in the first place"
I was abused for the first 20 years of my life. I went to secasa in 2000 to see what my options were and they told me "dont take it further, if it goes to court, they will badger you, make YOU look like the criminal, you will be traumatized and not get justice, spend that time healing instead". They also told me that there was a statute of limitations, which means if the abuse happened more than 5 years ago, you cannot do anything about it.
Julia Gilliard removed the statute of limitations so that victims of the clergy could testify against their abusers as part of the royal commission. (it was my understanding that the statute of limitations was created by the Catholic Church to avoid prosecutions of the pedophile priests they were protecting).
Try reading up on Bell Hooks she calls the patriarchy "white male psychopaths (predators) ruling the world". The system is designed that way. It is not an accident. it is designed to make you blame yourself. Why are you not blaming the guy that **chose** to abuse you. He was a predator, and a predator knows who is without protection. Being drunk is not a crime, you did not deserve that (sexual) punishment for being drunk ffs. This is usually a pattern of behaviour, you are not the first person he abused, you were not that last.
In response to: Re: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
The-red-centaurSenior Contributor
Re: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
@scruffypuffball I wasn't drunk, I don't drink I was just going about my usual evening walk. I know it's the stupid guys fault. I just "feel" to blame. I can't get the events out of my head, how I should have seen it coming, should have done something different.
I'm sorry you went through all that. I hope you got justice in the end.
That not night wasn't the first time I was involved in SA. But it was the worst.
I feel to blame because it keeps happening.
In response to: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
BossBabySenior Contributor
Re: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
In ancient culture, the rapist might have been legally obligated to marry you to take responsibility for his crime, he had no legal right to abandon the woman after using her. Irrespective of age or culture, this person has forced a connection with you. I have nothing else to say out of respect for your pain, except may you retain enough self-respect to hold this man hostage existentially when you must - or this type of man - and overcome his challenge to your physical sovereignty when you should. I am a new contributor so if this is not helpful or relevant please excuse my attempts to support and let us know what would be more helpful or relevant on days like this.
In response to: Re: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
scruffypuffballSenior Contributor
Re: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
@The-red-centaursorry, i didnt read your post properly and I thought you meant you were drunk, but the guy was drunk. Not that it was an excuse for his crime.
I was SAbused by 3 males before I was 18. I said the same thing to myself. "it keeps happening". I blamed myself for a long time.
I was following the womens march on twitter in 2018-2021 and there was an outpouring of sharing from women everywhere and the men reading the posts reacted with "i didnt know how prevalent it was". It helped a lot of women move away from blaming themselves and realise it is systemic, endemic.
I had to research the nature of violence to come to terms with what had happened to me. I realised violence does not happen in a vacuum, there is a culture and there are systems that enable it.
Part of the trauma is rumination, replaying it in your head. I still do it as well. What could i have done etc. I read somewhere The fight, flight, freeze and fawn response is not a response you necessarily choose. Your brain chooses it for you, it chooses the response that will keep you alive. That is the role of the brain, not to keep you happy but to keep you safe.
In response to: Re: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
scruffypuffballSenior Contributor
Re: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
@The-red-centauralso, you are not stupid, HE is stupid, and Fck that guy
In response to: Re: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
The-red-centaurSenior Contributor
Re: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
@scruffypuffball
Thank you!
In response to: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
8ppleTreeSenior Contributor
Re: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
@The-red-centaur
trauma is awful. The person who gave you the trauma is the liar. You aren't a liar. A survivor isn't someone who excuses others, or feels great every day. A survivor is just a person who is doing their best. And that can look different at any point in time. Please don't hurt yourself with recrimination you don't deserve. Abuse tends to happen to many of us more than once, because it is so prevalent in society. NOT because you are the one at fault. EVER.
Today is a new day. The darkness doesn't get to win. We stand with you xx
In response to: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
8ppleTreeSenior Contributor
Re: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
@The-red-centaur
Hope you're feeling a little better x
In response to: Re: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
The-red-centaurSenior Contributor
Re: TW: Being a survivor 5 years on.
@8ppleTree thanks to you and everyone for the support.
In doing a little better, the flashbacks have stopped again and the intrusive thoughts less.
I had a good appointment with my psychologist on Monday.
But I spent most of the day yesterday aggited and/or disassociated. I ended in hospital post self harm. When I got home I just slept a long time.
Today in doing ok. I've got a bunch of stuff to do for my business today.
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