Nice Guys go to Hell

I'm experiencing..confusion coming to terms with something I seem to have done to myself, and hope perhaps someone might have some helpful insights.

I have always believed in the philosophy of trying to be the best of humanity. So when I encounter something negative in a person, or they act badly towards me, having been in the negative end of that exchange, and usually feeling poorly about it , I make the commitment to try to never inflict that feeling in anther person in that manner.
I admit I don't always succeed, I'm only human, but I feel that I do well, for the greater part.

And I don't mean in 'holier than thou' religious or smarmy terms.
Simply that having suffered, and knowing how it feels, i feel deliberately doing that to another person, makes us...less. Less than we could be. Less than we SHOULD be.

So it's ironic that this has become now, only a social mask and habit.
An honoring of a commitment I no longer feel in my heart.

Because now, inside, I just hate.

I hate everyone.
I hate myself.
I hate where I live, what I do, everything I see around me.
The stupidity, the pettiness, the selfishness and spite.
And I don't think I'm better than anyone in the end, for I hate myself most of all

I look around, and think 'what the hell are we doing?'
'What _AM I_ doing?'

WHY are we doing this?

Because I honestly don't know the answer to that, and I've spent a lot of time and energy looking.

Is is because we don't know what else to do?
Because that seems a really, really stupid reason.


I'm so lost in this respect that it's practically a physical pain/ nausea inside me.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know where I am.

I feel like I'm in hell, if I believed in such a thing.
And it seems I got here by trying to be a better person.....