Feeling like I need to be looked after

YES @Hyperballad !

It's a feeling that came with being a borderline. I moved between the extremes of caring for someone and needing to be cared for. This is where the co-dependency came in. It was very difficult to the point that the other person felt smothered.

I wonder what has caused these feelings to come up for you?

@tyme I think it’s a sense of fear and feeling overwhelmed. Also not trusting my own capabilities. I definitely also get into a space where I am good at caring for someone - helps take the focus from my own challenges lol

I had to find a balance though. So I stick to caring for people or being cared for @Hyperballad ... not so much I seek to be cared for nowadays... it's changed

@Hyperballad @tyme

according to Gabor Mate all mammals (including humans) have a gene for "to care and be cared for". We are fundamentally social animals. You notice with pets, they are there for you when you need them. Also, when we are are stressed and going through hardship, the brain reverts to a more primitive child like state. That is where that feeling of needing to be rescued comes in.

That is ok, just be aware of what you are feeling and know it will not last. Be aware of what is happening and why it is happening. The issue is, there may be an opportunistic predator who exploits your vulnerable state. They will promise you the world and exploit you in return. Just be aware that when you are in your vulnerable moments, dont make any big, life changing decisions. Revert to self care and be gentle with yourself.

@Hyperballad

Very much so. Its something that is fairly extreme for me at the moment as my partner just ended (last week) our 15 year relationship, and nothing to do with me being borderline, they had finally come to grips with their sexuality and realised that meant we couldn't be together.

My life revolved around this person, I had moved remote (repeatedly) for their work and now I am a poor position both being physically isolated from friends and family but also in a much much worse financial situation. While it makes sense than anyone in my position would be having a rough time, I just keep thinking how much I want someone or something to come save me. I don't know how to be a person on my own, and I havent for all my of my adult life.

Hey @Sand ,

That sounds incredibly difficult. I hear that you have been reliant on someone for many years. It's understandable that you feel you feel you don't know how to be a person on your own. It's like your 'other half' has disappeared.

I'm wondering if that can be seen as a sort of grief to work with? Such losses can really impact someone. It was great to see you on the Peer Group Chat tonight. I hope you will be able to find the support you need on the forums.

Do you have anyone you can speak to?

@tyme

Thank you very much for your concern, I appreciate it 🙂

I have a lot of wonderful friends and family who are spending lots of time with me on the phone, and quite a few that are making a long trip to spend time with me in person.

My ex is also a kind person that wants me to succeed through this, and so i'm not being forced to make any major decisions of where to go or what to do in the immediate future, but i still will have to make those decisions without any of the options looking promising.

I have a lot to be grateful for, but I still feel so hollow and I know that the amazing quality of life that I had is going, and that because I sacrificed a career for her, my earning potential is incredibly limited.

Hey @Sand ,

It sounds like you have some wonderful supports. That is so important.

If you feel you would benefit from Grief counselling, know that Griefline is available https://griefline.org.au/

At the same time, I'm sure there are others on the forums who can relate to what you have shared. Is sure doesn't sound easy, but your outlook and reflection is so inspiring to read.

@tyme

Thank you 🙂

I tried griefline but found the person I spoke to not particularly helpful, not because they were a bad person on uncaring but we just didn't gel at all.

On a more positive note I have called the SANE line twice and both times had wonderful people that truly made a difference.

I'm trying my best to have a wide support network, so I don't end up burning out friends and family. I'm trying to accomplish something each day so I feel like I am becoming a worthwhile human in my own right, as I currently feel like a child who suddenly needs to look after itself.

I'm trying to do all the right things, eating well, exercising, sleeping at the same points though my sleep is awful. In spite of all this I feel like I am in near constant anguish and I just want that feeling to stop

Hey @Sand ,

I'm so glad you had a pleasant experience with SANE counsellors. That's so good to hear.

I can see you are doing all the right things to get on top of this and you are really trying.

I read that you wish the hurt would all just stop. I wonder if this is a chance for you to work with a therapist on accepting the working with the changes as opposed to 'getting rid of' or stopping them.

My psychologist worked a lot with me using acceptance and commitment therapy skills. I didn't understand it back then, but I certainly understand it so much more now, and can see how one can use the concepts to embrace their situation and the associated feelings.

You post was so insightful. I really appreciated you sharing.