My heart hurts

Hey @-abbey- ,

How are you today?

Also I have another one if my kids and partner staying at home with me trying to save money. They're really chaotic and loud and I'm so tired. I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally and not getting to sleep till 1 each morning (that's the earliest they go to bed) and I have to be up by 6.30 to go to work. I'm trying to focus on that being exhausted makes everything worse, all the hurt. I can't find a way to talk to him as he gets really defensive and then after a bit I get emotional and cry and defensive too. The other night I tried and it ended up with me explaining further that I'm not coping and haven't wanted to be alive for a while. He got a bit nasty about that then blamed his behaviour on me, how he's exactly like me because I raised him with no father around to influence that, and that I shouldn't have had him children. I know he's just lashing out in his way at hearing something that upsets him but I'm human too and this didn't go well. It's pushed things into a sadder place. Now I feel guilty that I told him that to add to all the guilt I have about how awful I am.

Also he was stoned when he said all that, he does that a lot, so I don't think he says things very well or thinks very logically because he smokes a lot. I don't know. I don't smoke but I have a very good friend who's very reliant and very fragile. I look at him and I think he's starting to be a bit unbalanced and fragile and I wonder if it's because he's so reliant on it. Then I feel the failure of not raising a strong resilient person. I really should not have had children. I didn't know that loving them more than everything, giving them everything you can, all the joy they bring, I didn't realise it cos all end up so wrong in the end. They think you abused them for any consequence they had in life, never a moment's thought that if you're going to constantly watch porn on the phone I gave you then I will remove the phone. After the 10th time breaking into my filing cabinet yes I did throw the phone out. I did not wake up one day with a plan to do that. I don't think there's anything wrong with that but my kids think I abused them because of things like that. Then I wonder if I was and then I feel so hurt, confused, guilty, worthless.

My kids try to tell me I never gave them any freedom. They had so much freedom but if they did the wrong thing the freedom to do that thing was removed. But by the time they were 16 or 17 I had to roll with it. So rather than them be in bad places doing their things, I accepted they were doing them and encouraged them to be at home or safe or call me. Anything to keep them safe. I'm constantly caught in a cycle of evaluating whether I was abusive or not. I feel so guilty. I think I got being a mum all wrong and I shouldn't have had them. I didn't know they'd grow up to be so critical of a their childhood. I raised them using stephen bidolf's ideas and 1 2 3 magic. I believed I was doing a good job. They were happy confident engaging lovely little people. Then 16 or 17 years old happens and they become judgemental and it never seems to stop. I wish I'd known I was doing it all wrong then I could have tried to find better ways. I'm sorry. I'm letting it all out and I'm so late for work but I can't stop crying.

Hey @-abbey- just been reading along, and I hope that getting it all out has helped you feel a little lighter. I can hear that above all else, you're really trying to be a good mum, and that is so important. So good on you. I can understand that you're worried about the past, and in my experience when we have deep regrets or cringe at our past behaviours, it indicates that we have grown as a person. We can't change the past but we can use our learnings to try to do better in the future.

I dunno if you've come across them already, but you could always give 1800respect a buzz if you wanted to talk through what's happening in your relationship. There's also Relationships Australia, they've got resources and stuff on their website and also offer counselling, both face-to-face and via their support line.

Hope that you're doing okay tonight 💜

I just want to be clear that I never abused my children, I hardly ever even raised my voice, and almost only in situations of danger. I'm sorry I have you the impression I have regrets over being abusive. I was not abusive. I have been accused of spoiling them by my mother and aunt, although I would not take their word on anything. Other friends and family thought I did a very good job and that they were a reflection of that. I do not understand why a close loving relationship with two of them disappeared at 16. Well, maybe I'm starting to, because I'm starting to wrap my head around how much influence the other parent can have on them and that being the bigger person, not responding in any way to their lies other than to reassure my kids and make sure they felt safe, thinking that my example was teaching my children the way to handle lies was the best response. Turns out I should have done something I just don't know what or if it would have helped. He has been paying me back since the day I left and it didn't matter how hard I tried to be a co-parent he just twisted everything. He stalked me, badmouthed me, called police on me for no reason and it's worth noting they were in agreement with that but they have to attend all reports even if the reporter is so drunk they can barely speak. He was so bad this son who has now left and gone to live with him blocked his number on my phone because he saw the messages he was sending.

I was raised in a deeply religious church and taught to carry guilt from birth. My mother left my father and children when I was 4 and we were taught she was a devil woman and that I was just like her. This doesn't mean I raised my children with abuse but it does cause me to go to guilt as a default mode when someone criticises me.

I'm sorry I'm so upset about this but even though I keep blaming myself and trying to find an answer, one that I can only look within for because there's no one else to ask, doesn't mean I was abusive. I can't ask my son because he's not here so I replay everything trying to decide if it was bad enough to cause him to leave, like he had a little job he often didn't do because he had a sore foot or elbow, so I'd do it for him. Then the next week he'd refuse to do it and I'd explain that it's right to give an employer notice and not just stop without letting them know and he'd get angry at me for explaining something like that to him. And I ask myself was I wrong to insist he give notice or was I wrong for doing the job for him when he wasn't getting up to it.

In not cringing about anything I was as a parent from the past but I do feel like a failure. I feel guilty and blaming myself and lots of hurt emotions but your idea that I have regrets and am cringing about my role as a parent are not correct. I am not. I do regret marrying, he became a different person on our wedding night. He screamed at me for four hours while waving his fist in my face. He was the total opposite to who I'd known for two years. After I left him told me he changed because he had to be reality him and the person I knew before we married was holiday him. I begged him and asked him why did he have to be reality him, what was wrong with who he was for those first two years, but he said he couldn't be that person because he had to go back to his reality self. I regret not leaving the next day but we had a big breakfast planned with all the family. How was I supposed to explain to them how he'd been all night and how frightened and hurt I was and walk away just like that, and he was so sorry and promised it wouldn't happen again, and it didn't for at least three months. On reading what you've said, I think you've misunderstood things.

@-abbey- Just thinking of you today. Hoping you're ok and continuing to reach out to get the best outcome. Here for you x