ChrisSenior Contributor
A message of hope
Since July of this year my depression has worsened and deepened. I have been hospitalized twice for a month each time for ect which basically didnt work. Since then i have constantly battled with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I have felt like it is all in the too hard basket, and past my useby date. I just cant keep going. But I'm still here!
How? Thankful to my long suffering psychiatrist, emailing him several times a week. Letting him pull out the important bits in my session. But he has moved interstate in the last few weeks so that has presented me with another problem.
My psychologist who has provided me with practical help. She put me in touch with the mental health crisis team. They have been very suportive calling me each day. Checking on now i am, and what my plans are for the next 24hrs. I have had a interview with them and they were very encouraging on the small positives ive made as well as giving me some practical advice. It has made a huge difference having this daily contact. Someone cares.
How do i manage the increase, so incredably strong thoughts? I think about each family member and how would they feel, react to me taking my life. When it comes to it, I ask myself do i really want to die? Or is it that i just want things to change, want some relief? Mindfulness practice sooner rather than later. Be in the moment. I feel stuck in the chair, its the safest place to be. So focus on how i am sitting, body scan. Focus on my breath. Distraction, do some embroidery. I like to watch cat videos on youtube. They always make me smile. Encourage myself. I can do this. I can work through this moment by moment. Sometime i contact lifeline chat line. It gets the thoughts out of my head. I have the emergency contact numbers if it gets too much. Observe the early warning signs and impliment these things sooner rather than later.
I dont pretend this is easy when you are in the middle of a crisis. It isnt. I find it near on impossible to confide in family how i am feeling. 1 i dont want to worry them and 2 it feels like i am attention seeking to keep repeating i feel suicidal, and leaves them feel helpless as what to do.So after all this time i am still here. Ever so slowly i am feeling a little better each day. As long as there is that pin head of hope. Hope can grow and the light be ever so brighter.
I hope this can help someone who feels all is lost. Im here to tell you you can regain hope. Allow those that can help and support you into inner world.
