Living? in trauma environment

Hey @8ppleTree ,

It would be nice if companies responded yeah 😞 i feel left in the dark, like I'm applying and applying but then have no idea what's going on with the applications and even if I've got the job; it's like I apply and wait and then just forget that I applied for the job cause I never hear back, and it sucks big time.

I've been doing everything I can, I have a list of self-care things cause it gets hard to think sometimes about what will help so I use that.

Literally anything in the Defence Force, it's guaranteed work and i actually feel like I have a chance to get in; I applied 6 years ago when I didn't know what to do after I finished a pointless music degree :0

Hi @Ot2

That's great that you have a list of self-care strategies. It is difficult to think of things to do when you're feeling down, or like things are pointless because it's not resolving the main problem.

A music degree sounds interesting! Do you play any instruments? I believe there are some musician roles in the ADF..?

@8ppleTree I play a lot of instruments but the thought of actually joining the ADF is scary. I also am trying to maintain commitments and stay in one place for longer than 3 years because I've moved around a lot and feel like it never solves my problems. It's so hard to find a job. I went around to lots of shops that say they aren't even hiring and it's for basic jobs like retail and supermarkets. I don't know what else to do. Again, I hate waiting and I hate living at home and I really need to get out to be able to heal and be happier.

@Ot2, I hear you. There's not an easy option for you at this stage. It's also not easy to stay in one place when you're renting or moving between jobs. Often the needs often push against each other, ie where you can afford+stability+job availability. It's not easy, at all.

You sound smart and talented, and you know deep down what you want and what will be healthy for you.

I have my fingers crossed for you that something good is going to open up for you soon ☺️

@Ot2 I'm so sorry, I totally understand where you're coming from. Living in someone elses space can feel restrictive and strip any feeling of independence - particularly when that environment is triggering or reignites trauma.

You deserve dignity and a fulfilled life, and shouldn't feel forced to live in your car also. Having been in that situation myself following natural disaster, I sincerely hope you don't feel compelled to resort to it.

Do you suppose working with a MH provider could help? Often free, community based service providers can help put people in contact with occupational therapists, job search services, or skills/certification programs for free. Some examples of services which do this are Safe Havens in NSW (https://www.health.nsw.gov.au/towardszerosuicides/Pages/safe-haven.aspx), MH/Wellbeing hubs in Vic (https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/mental-health-and-wellbeing-hubs#find-your-nearest-hub), or wellbeing hubs in QLD (https://www.qmhc.qld.gov.au/awareness-promotion/mental-health-wellbeing/regional-wellbeing-hubs).

These services can also put people in contact with affordable housing initiatives and other resources to help those with mental health distress. I hope if you end up enrolling in the military it is something you truly are comfortable with also 🌻

Wishing you well this Monday, and my apologies for the late reply. Sending love and kindness ❤️

@Xibon @8ppleTree

Update: I'm still in this trauma environment. But I wouldn't call it living. It's really hard and I feel quite lonely in this struggle. What's really difficult, is that I could quite easily reconnect with my Sister, Mum, and Dad, and the way they've spoken to me, it feels like they are leaving it up to me. The difficult thing, is that I really needed my sister in a time of need, and she said, "I can't help you, go to someone else, reach out when you're feeling better", but also said, "I want to have a relationships with you" but I've been the one actually trying to organise to see each other. It just feels fake and so backwards what she says and does. And then my dad is silent. My mum is the only one who keeps saying hi to me everytime I walk past her in the house. She is also the one who sends me long messages about how much of a terrible person I am. She is totally unpredictable and I get exhausted trying to talk to her because she always needs to be right and always puts her feelings first. I had to call the cops once because I didn't know what else to do, you know what happened? They sided with her. I honestly would much rather live in a prison than live here because I'm not living. I'm trying to survive. I'm not surviving barely.

On one hand, I've tried so many different strategies and approaches to communicating with my Mum but I've been told my all my psychologists, that I'm essentially trying a new strategy in a situation that won't change and it's best for me to move out. THey've also said we can't work on the deeper issues until I'm out of the environment and not being triggered all the time.

I know all of this might be totally unrelatable to anyone. I get offered so much advice on self-care, taking the good and bad days with a grain of salt, putting in the effort (still job hunting but have been let down by email by the position being offered. I'm reallly feeling like there's no hope for me to be honest. I have considered just existing in this house and taking the bullshit from the devil (mum( just so I don't have to spend most of my time in my room but the thought of that is horrible. I don't want to go backwards and asserting myself in this family never works out, I never get listened to, I get judged for it.

Look forward to hearing your kind words guys.

Hi @Ot2, I can see how much good support you've had so far here and I just want to let you know that your home situation is relatable - and we must believe it's solvable. I had to spend an exhausting year living with my daughter's father after disclosure, micromanaging every minute, supervising interactions, sleeping with her in her single bed, until I finally navigated through police, lawyers, community supports enough to know what direction to take - a protection order, at which point he moved out. Unfortunately I then had to brace for worst case scenario - unsupervised access. Now we're in a better situation in Toowoomba. I noticed further back you had some police involvement where they did not advocate for you. In my experience police have their place but they are not lawyers. The police in my situation had advised that my daughter has the same right to time with her father as with me, but a lawyer knows that a parent has the right to protect their child from harm and so meaningful time with both parents being in the best interests of the child is conditional on their safety. Finding good enough advice just takes time, sometimes. It sounds like you've needed so much patience so far. I saw the links others have posted, did you have the brain space to look into those? From experience, knowing what you need to do and then actually pursuing it or discussing it yet again with someone else, all take emotional reserves, sometimes even recovery time. And in terms of jobs, I would be surprised if you can't get an online shopper or shelf fill job at a supermarket? Maybe you'd only find the opportunity to work evenings which might mess with your sleeping habits but the stability of it would give you more options for housing. The mother-daughter archetype I want to tread very lightly here. I had a dream that contained two scenes - one where the wicked witch of the west was above me, putting her foot through my (permeable, apparently) head and I was bracing for the unpleasant sensation, "ugh, it's going through me," and then the next scene I was sitting with what looked like Cate Blanchett, vintage pretty, friendly, very smiley. I felt much more comfortable in this part of the dream. It sounds like your mum does have "two sides" to her - she communicates in positive ways (not ignoring you) and negative ways (texts). I do consider basically every relationship incompatible, requiring "generosity of interpretation", but you do always have the choice to live - or aim towards living - according to your values whether or not others support you. I hope more and more choices become available to you. Even incremental improvements to an unsustainable situation are like pressure valves slowly releasing more and more tension before it becomes unbearable. You have experimented with enduring the limits of vulnerability and conflict. Now you're experimenting with the crawl towards something a bit more spacious and stable.

Hi @Ot2

I spent ages replying to your most recent post but it has since disappeared - did you get a copy in your email? I've contacted tech support.

@Ot2i went thru something similar with my family. mine was severe dv over 20 years. I specifically chose a degree with a work experience program to get my foot in the door of (any) workplace. That is how I got out at the age of 20 so I can relate.

Hi @Ot2

So good to hear from you again. Hope you are managing to get some enjoyable moments for yourself into your long wknd?

Sorry to hear that things have not improved much. It can be really tough when we feel that we aren't heard. Please know that you are seen here. Your work in endurance, in your hope with your relationships is not in vain. Your self-protection is important. You do deserve peace and care.

I hope you are able to come back to your centre and have some time for your self as you navigate into your next steps, whatever they may be. Wishing you peace, and extending you much care and respect x