Empathy & attention

Thanks @utopia

probably just me I tend to over analyse myself but when you look at it is a real quandry, neither good nor bad. We all just want to do the right things I guess but just found the subject interesting and how we really feel. Sometimes I think we dont analyse ourselves enough because we are so busy to get rid of the initial pain. I use to do things just because I was expected but I suppose at the time I did enjoy the " payoff" feeling like I fit in etc where now its hard to be really honest with your feelings - not so much for ourselves its just I think society doesnt like honesty, instead they use words like racisim, discrimmination etc. In some ways I think people with a MI have a better grasp on reality than non MI as we are constantly tryinbg to adapt to strategies to keep our feelings in check where non MI feel because they dont have a MI they are instantly correct and right where they may be going through life with massive blinkers and just dont seem to " get it".

I think this is an important discussion @Change123. and I also believe you may be onto something saying that many with MI may be more aware of the subtle aspects than a largely generalising mainstream attitude as in popular media.

I think it is sometime true and other times not true... its a matter of teasing motivations out.

That doesnt mean we should stop being empathic, but beware if it becomes manipulation.

It also relates to "charity" and "generosity" and other positive traits or virtues.

its just that in our modern parlance ..

empath = good = saint (judaeo-christian term)

narcissist = bad = sinner (ditto)

anger = bad but we are also told we are biologically hardwired in many circumstances .. so confusion and ambivalence arise

All part of the challenges to engage in civilised behaviour ..

I engaged in charity work for a while and it was only as I realised how "offended" some adults and refugees were feeling when patronised by do-gooders .. that I learned to claim that sense within my self of not needing to pay endless homage .. cos I was a charity child, and start claiming my right to respect.

Yeah .. but I am another over-analyser .. lol

@Appleblossom@utopia

Thanks for your input, its really interesting and definitely some food for thought!

Hope I didnt strain your brains too much!

@Change123 I love that you are challenging yourself with things and challenging me along the way too. Here is my simplistic take on it all. I really don't think it is a BPD thing. I think there are so many people that experience that heightened sense of empathy and some have a MI and some don't. I think it is pretty innate in us, that we are born with it.

As far as the attention seeking goes here is my take. I don't think it is attention seeking as much as more being rewarded for our effort. Sometimes I question myself on my motives for things too. The thing I ask is....would I do that behaviour if there was not a reward at the end? If the answer is yes then it seems like really wholesome thing to do. But if the answer is no I have to look at the reward because we do so many things in our lives that are good for us because of the reward. Sooo I guess I'm thinking if you look at the reward and what it gives you ie acknowledgement of having helped someone then that doesn't seem attention seeking.

As I'm in a really vulnerable, honest, open mood I'll let you know I went through a stage worrying about getting responses and needing them on the forum if that's what you mean. For me it was double barrelled. I needed to know I was helping and not making things worse and it made me feel better about me to get a response. It helped my confidence immensely. I made and still make loads of mistakes but there have been so many people on the forum gracious enough to give me a second chance to try to understand better what they are trying to say or need. For me it has been a huge learning curve in getting to connect and understand others as I had isolated myself from everyone. Now it depends on my mood as to my need to have responses but I get much less stressed or worried if there isn't a response. I worked out that I post to help first and foremost. If there is a positive response it is a nice reward but it isn't needed. As I suspect with you the emotional response to reading someone's post and wanting to reply is automatic, it seems to me about giving not receiving. 💜🤗

@Former-Member Thanks

You are so spot on with this.

I mean it makes me feel good if I can give advice from my bad experiences to helps someone in a similar situation and like you said it gives you a bit of confidence. But I like what you said in the end I worked out that I post to help first and foremost. If there is a positive response it is a nice reward but it isn't needed.

I also think from a "training" point of view if you are giving advice constantly some of that has to stick subconsciously to become automatic in the end for the one giving advice.

This topic could go and on, as you said attention versus being rewarded for something nice and I guess it comes down to the individual and understanding ones own motives.