I am stuck and I don't know what to do for the best

@Former-Member my therapy is pretty non existent though- I just didn't see that I am really getting any sort of treatment. I think I might give my specialist a call tomorrow and have a chat to her about where I think I am at and just see what she thinks.

what do you think might help you stay on a more even keel for longer periods- do you know what triggers you in having a downward spiral or having not so good days. I constantly feel people are judging and that I am not good enough or I find interactions with people stressful and that triggers me. I have a few more but its mainly interactions with people and perhaps biological too.

Are you happy with your diagnosis and do you think its accurate?

Hi @Former-Member,

I thought I wasn't receiving therapy as such either but I only just realised that she has been very gently teaching me how to reframe things in a different way by looking at how my needs are or are not being met. I guess we have only been working together on this for 7 months but on Monday she did say that she thought we needed to try some other things too as we had got a bit bogged down with my realities of day to day living and all my crises. I think a few weeks ago I was feeling so lost because there was nothing measurable for me to see how I was going. Right now that doesn't seem so important after having SH in a fairly big way last week.

As for what triggers me @Former-Member I have lots of triggers and also some things I can't explain. By Monday night I was actually feeling this strange kind of SI where I was acknowledging that I would never cope in this world and it was only a matter of time. 16 hours later I woke up and felt ok and plodded always along with no negative distracting thoughts and feeling somewhat in control. A few hours later my PHaMs support worker rang to say she was changing jobs starting tomorrow and would no longer be able see me. My ok world crashed with nausea and feeling ill and abandonment issues. She has been a rock for me to climb up on and breathe for a bit and get myself together on Fridays for the last few months and I was relying on her being there through the Christmas holidays. So I think yes my triggers are usually people centred but I know my biggest triggers are when I'm not feeling supported and feeling betrayed or undermined by those I rely on for support (my latest hospital visit). Fear of failure is another big one as is not being good enough and fear of abandonment. I think they are my big ticket items. I've also had a lot of anger and rage I've turned inwards lately because I can't deal with something.

At the moment I don't dwell on my diagnosis. I guess one of the things I love about my therapist is that she doesn't either. We deal with me as a person with lots to learn. She has helped take the stigma the mental health team imposed on me. The only time I struggle with my diagnosis now is when I get treated like dirt because of it. When I first got it I hated it and stressed about it. Do I think it's accurate? I'm not sure, every time I think it's not I seem to prove it is. I think there is too much pressure to put us in a box and so they find which box you best fit in. Really I guess I see myself as having to learn lots of things I didn't learn whilst growing up or as an adult until the wheels came off for me. Some days I'm good with this and some days I'm angry with it.

I feel like I've rambled a lot. I hope this helps. Thinking of you.💜🤗

Hi @Former-Member

Thanks for your message.I understand how you feel about therapy and your fears about not making progress. I am sorry to hear about your Phams workers- are you able to carrying on and do the things you did with her. I have found having something planned most days has really helped me but also don't like to over schedule either

I struggle with any sort of diagnois and I did speak to my IVF specialist and he told he didn't see me like the psychaitrist sees me if that makes sense and he told he saw me has quite a strong person. My talensts and skills have always been around sport- so I try to focus on this.

Btw it makes so angry to hear that people who are meant to help you are treating you so badly, just remember its about them and not you, and you deserve so much better. You are such a little gem @Former-Member. You said you were once a teacher could you go back and work in this field not neccessary has a teacher but perhaps even teachers aide or get admin work at a hospital- its just a though.

I had my gym session today and I had my last session for the year and I did make good progress this year.

Hi @Former-Member

I think that as from next week I'll be back to seeing my therapist as my only weekly activity and I know I need more than that but it is a hard time of the year to find much. I was counting on my phams worker to help break up my week but much more than that too.

i haven't worked as a teacher for 22 years @Former-Member. I did consider becoming an sso in a school but I'm really not well enough for that, the pressure would make me crack wide open. I know I have to find something I can do at my pace which is hard. I have lots to learn first again.

I guess I should state that I talked things through with my care coordinator of the mental health team on Friday and she was more supportive and acknowledged that in hindsight things could have been handled differently. I don't know what happens in the future with this but I hope they listen to me better. It's been such a rocky relationship with lots of ups and downs and I just need them to be more predictable with everything too.

Back to you @Former-Member. I think it sounds like a good time to explore various therapy options. I know you are hesitant to start anew but I'm sure you will be fine. I look at how far you've come since I 'met' you on the forum. Your confidence seems to have grown a great deal. I think that this confidence will help you with working with someone new to take you on the next part of your recovery. Have you looked into any specific therapies that might help you? I am glad I decided to try schema therapy. It still feels right for me. I needed something that didn't tell me what to do as such as I'm too bloody headstrong with some things. I feel like I'm getting to explore me with this and work through things as I go. Just putting my thoughts down. You have so much to offer this world and I really hope you find the support you are looking for because you deserve it. Sending hugs 💜🤗💐

Hi again @Former-Member

Are you able to see your GP for some extra support next week and over the next couple of weeks?. The things that I should be filling my time with is actually spending some time down at the gym and doing some group classes.

I understand how the pressure would make you quite vulnerable (working), I am like that too. I struggle with just taking care of me and also Kira- not so much Kira because she is spoiled a lot.

I am glad you were able to talk to your care coordinator and hope things go more smoothly for you now- I can understand how the public mental system is not that reliable and I have avoided them since 2000 when I was living in Nth Qld- it was quite a traumatic experience for me but the only upside was my therapist who was a clinical nurse and she would see me daily if that was needed, and basically anything to help me, and I truly feel blessed to have had her in my life - we stayed in touch until 2010.

I have not really researched many treatment options, my specialist said she fits the various models to what she thinks will help me the most and she does not stick to one model and uses a combination of treatments. I have heard of scheme therapy before but I can't remember off the top of my head what approach this entails and what is the foundation/principles of this modality

Btw thanks for your kind word and I think I have made improvements this year too, and I hope this continues. I will research more about specific treatments and see what I think might help me. You deserve the best care and support too.

@Former-Member

My GP is not involved in my mental health as such. She doesn't feel confident with it and says I have more qualified support for it which I have. I have recently thought about changing my GP but she is such a good GP for physical health problems and we get on well.

At the moment I'll try to take each day as it comes. My phams worker said I may hear back from someone by the end of the week to let me know who my new phams support worker is but I'm feeling really vulnerable getting to know someone new. I also don't know if I'll have the same level of support 😬. I guess it's the unknown that is freaking me out and that I'm losing someone who supported me in a really good way. It took me ages over a couple of months to even tell my diagnosis as I was scared of her changing the way she treated me.

Good luck with your session tomorrow with your specialist. Hopefully it will be helpful to talk to her about it. Sleep well 💜🤗💤

@Former-Member

I am glad to hear you get on well with your GP and I understand why you would think about changing GPs too- just remember they are just there to provide a service and you may find another Dr equally as good and is quite capable of managing and coorindator or aspects of your care and also to give you some extra support when needed.

It will be good if you hear back as to what is happening with the phams worker and if possible when you will be assign the new phams worker. In the meantime take each day as it comes and try to plan something nice for yourself. I think you need to make a committmet to get out of bed every day and get out in the sunshine and also try to surround yourself with people and that might be just sitting in a coffee shop, going to the local library, going to the local swimming pool, walking the dog, catching a bus instead of driving the car etc. Being around people I think helps me to connect and I feel less isolated and that helps me feel better about myself.

Sending you lots of hugs and postive vibes

Sorry for the heaviness of tonights discussion @Former-Member. And sorry for the editing I missed some words and juggled some words up as well- I know you would have worked out what I was meaning to say I was trying to keep you on your toes 😛

It's all good @Former-Member. I guess tonight I was in a place to open up and go there. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't. I think you would be the same. I know you feel like you are at a fork in the road and that is really unsettling for us. It helps me to work through these things. I hope it helps you too. You are making big strides in your recovery but sometimes we all stall or get confused for a bit. I'm sure the right way forward will come clear for you soon. Take good care of you 💜🤗