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I am embarrassed

RickSenior Contributor12 Dec 2014, 6:32 pm AEDT

I am embarrassed

Hello, I am Rick.

I am extremely embarrassed by my behaviour of late last week.

I emailed the moderators and asked them to delete my posts. I was in a rage.

I lost my temper. Blew my cool and generally drew myself away from everyone and everything that was positive in my life.

The reasons for this are not important, what is, I without meaning to caused moderators at the forum to be concerned for my welfare. This shames me deeply. I am not any kind of attention seeker, I've worked way too long as a performing muso to need attention (.Dichotomous I know)

I am very sorry that I caused you very kind people to worry.

The upshot of everything is that currently I cannot find the hope that was supposed to endure. It was broken.

I am talking about this now because my Doc suggested I try and push thru the shame and become once again a member of this forum, which in a short period of time has become important to me.

I ask that you accept my apology for poor behaviour.

Rick

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In response to: I am embarrassed

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor15 Jan 2015, 4:59 pm AEDT

Re: I am embarrassed

Those feelings can be really hard to interpret can't they @Rick? Sometimes it is a great step forward if you decide after 12 years that you would like to try some time without your psych doctor.
Why not? If he is a mature professional and appropriate person he should be encouraging you to try and do things differently.
I applaud a change of relationship, but perhaps suggest you approach him with a spirit of change rather than aggression. You know you are angry with him but you don't need to express it aggressively.
I sacked my shrink when he charged me for an appointment I was unable attend due to major emergency. I really liked him but I thought fair do's, I had kept every appointment and it wasn't as though I was wagging. He also failed to offer me a telephone consult instead..which if he had booked his time for me I would have been happy to have appt via phone.
You might like to suggest to him if you are meeting early can you do it via phone if you've gone home?

Speak up, state your point of view and see what unfolds. You may be surprised...you can do this without feeling as though you are sabotaging what has been an otherwise excellent working relationship.
You might even be able to grant him 'an off day" and let him know whilst badly triggered by his behaviour, you hope he doesn't do it again with any other clients or yourself. He may not like to hear it but maybe it is what he needs to hear..
Hugs to you @Rick, if you've found him to be extremely helpful then try to keep your temper when you see him. And please let us know how you get on.

In response to: I am embarrassed

peaceSenior Contributor15 Jan 2015, 6:44 pm AEDT

Re: I am embarrassed

Hey @Rick although you've got a mixture of feelings I sense you know what is the best thing to do in this situation. I wish you all the courage you need to face and healthily address this sticky situation. Try seeing it as a chance to grow and learn. Best wishes for tomorrow Rick ♡♡

In response to: I am embarrassed

katoSenior Contributor15 Jan 2015, 7:10 pm AEDT

Re: I am embarrassed

@Rick

Hey rick, i can see in what you have written the pain involved with certain questions that have been raised, you're angry for what he said, and you're angry that he might be right.... I don't know what he said to you that triggered you, and i have a feeling he might not be aware of what he said himself, he may not have realised how you took it.

I think if you went in there trying to burn the bridge so to speak, it wouldn't be the best idea, which i am sure you are aware of, seeing as you spoke about it not being rational, you have known him/seeing him for 12 years, that means that there is a bond formed, he has possibly inadvertadly broken that bond, with out meaning too, But like i said i don't know

If i was to put myself in your shoes, i would want to try and address it calmly, and articulate exactly how it made you feel, even if you have to reiterate what was said, to begin the discussion, the hard part will be if he does not realise the wrongness of what was said in terms of it affecting yourself.

hope endures my friend

please try to remain positive

my last psychiatrist - bless him was an idiot LOL, he half the time didn't know who i was, or would have the wrong paperwork in front of him when seeing me, he also didn't like the fact that i challenged him about what his role actually was, but from that it did stem for him at least that he needed to care for his patients more, and think a little bit more. he used to not close his door, until i made a point of closing it, he looked at me perplexed, i said to him that i'm pretty sure i will be more comfortable with the door closed, the next time i saw him, he made a point of closing the door first.

but i digress, try to go there in a calm manner and maybe ask him or tell him your thoughts and feelings on what was said

i hope this helps mate

In response to: Re: I am embarrassed

RickSenior Contributor15 Jan 2015, 8:17 pm AEDT

Re: I am embarrassed

Ta @kato

I'm planning on staying cool. I dont yet know what I'll say but he's not a bad bloke and I only ever get heavy with people who hurt others.

So S'all good.

Thankyou all who have responded

Rick

In response to: Re: I am embarrassed

kristinSenior Contributor15 Jan 2015, 10:23 pm AEDT

Re: I am embarrassed

Dear @Rick

Thinking of you and praying for you at this difficult time - it is SO distressing when stuff like this happens. Trying to confront it in a mature adult fashion when you are carrying an internal raging abused child is terribly difficult. So courage and compassion my friend, for both of you. It's ok to tell him you were/are distressed and angry about it. That's just honest.

I hope you are able to work it out...

For which hope endures!

Kindest regards,

Kristin

PS Which reminds me - I have been meaning to post a prayer for you - you may be familiar with it (or not). I have prayed this so many times over the last 15 or so years, and I love it. It is painful at times, but it helps too. I found out on the weekend that John Wesley wrote it (though the language is a slightly more modern version).

I am no longer my own, but yours.

Put me to what you will, rank me with whom you will.

Put me to doing, put me to suffering;

let me be employed for you or laid aside for you:

exalted for you or brought low for you;

let me be full, let me be empty;

let me have all things, let me have nothing;

I freely and wholeheartedly yield all things to your pleasure and disposl.

And now, glorious and blessed God,

Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer,

you are mine and I am yours.

May it be so forever, to the glory and praise of your name. Amen.

In response to: I am embarrassed

peaceSenior Contributor15 Jan 2015, 11:18 pm AEDT

Re: I am embarrassed

@kato omg I gotta laugh, he didn't close the door? Nope can't stop laughing at that one. Guess there must be some strange quack's out there. Bless you kato and @Rick

In response to: Re: I am embarrassed

RickSenior Contributor16 Jan 2015, 8:56 pm AEDT

Re: I am embarrassed

Well!

I saw George, my quack today.
I was prepared to say nothing.

Instead I calmly broached the subject and spoke of the former conversations effects and I admitted that perhaps I was not overly reasonable but thought he was out of line as well.

What do you know? He admitted he was incorrect in his words and apologised for insensitivity. He reaffirmed his wish to continue working together and would be more aware of his own issues and transferance.

It does'nt really get much better than that for an outcome.

So we agreed to move on and I discussed my projects, and research and we agreed that as a coping mechanism distraction at least in the short term is being effective.

So a good sesssion.

Thankyou, @kristin , @kato , @Ellie and tho I wish to mention Alesandra this Feckin thing wont bloody let me.

Hope bloody endures

In response to: Re: I am embarrassed

kristinSenior Contributor16 Jan 2015, 9:07 pm AEDT

Re: I am embarrassed

Dear @Rick

I'm in tears I'm so proud of you! That is amazing. Well done!

I;'m so pleased that he was sensitive and heard your concerns, and took responsisbility for his behaviour. I'm also really glad that you are continuing to work together. It is such important work.

You're right, it really doesn't get much better than that!

You did it - you enabled this conversation to happen. And he met you in it.

I'm so thrilled and relieved for you.

Hope truly endures my friend!

Kind regards, Kristin

PS @Alessandra1992 Rick is trying to make sure you get his good news, so please read this thread if you don't get it in the digest. 🙂

In response to: I am embarrassed

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor16 Jan 2015, 9:14 pm AEDT

Re: I am embarrassed

Congratulations @Rick..that is a wonderful outcome as you were able to assert yourself respectfully whilst taking responsibility for perhaps slightly unreasonable behaviour at your last session! Just fantastic that your psyche owned his part of triggering you..well done!!!

In response to: I am embarrassed

peaceSenior Contributor17 Jan 2015, 1:51 am AEDT

Re: I am embarrassed

@Rick excellent news. I am so glad that all went really well. How affirming of your own opinion of the situation and consequently I hope empowering also. 3 stars ☆☆☆

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