In need of some inspiration and hope

Hi,

I have a partner who is bi-polar he can have short bursts of mania, a few days and then very long depressive periods. He is on meds and I am one of the lucky ones in the he does recognise that he is bi-polar and he needs his meds. Unfortunately for the last 6mths he has also been smoking dope and it is escalating. We are seeing a counsellor about our issues and about the dope issue. He does understand that if he doesn't give up the dope our relationship is over and I do understand that this in itself stresses him and would drive him to want to smoke more. I have asked for a date with the counsellors approval on when he it will stop and he has told me it will be his new years resolution. Part of me is screaming inside it is not soon enough I don't know that I can do another 3 wks of his behaviour on dope.

We have been together for 4 yrs and it has been a very rocky road. His meds wheren't working properly so at the beginning of a fairly new relationship (6mths) he started on dope this drove me to move out until he was willing to seek proper medical assistance and go back to his counsellor. So we had to go through the whole withdrawal from one drug and the build up of the new drugs which didn't work for him. During this time we also found a more appropriate house for the two of us and his foster mother (will call her FM from now on) who was living with him to move into. This of course plummented him into a deep depression with me having to cope with moving two households into one and also helping him cope (which I wasn't very good at due not to understanding the full implications of his illness) and work at the same time. Once we moved and as the new drugs weren't working for him he became suicidal. With the help of his doctor we got the mental health team on board. So at the end of our 1st year together we went through another round of withdrawal from one drug to another, the team told me it would take at least 6-8mths before he would be fully stablised. It turned out to be nearly a year before he stabilised andit was a hard year.

After only about 6mths of relatively good times I got sick from multiple tick bites and could not work as I would have good days and bad and I had to deal with FM. During this time FM's behaviour and health began getting worse, she has a form of dementia and also physical illnesses and I became her carer. As my health got better, we had the opportunity to buy the house we were renting and as I could not go out to work I set up a small seedling business at home and sold at them at the local markets to improve our chances of purchasing the house. As FM's behaviour became worse she would not accept there was anything wrong with her brain so she would not see the specialists and counsellors she needed. This then caused my partners behaviour to begin to get worse and I could not get him to see his counsellor or go back to the mental health team. I went to the counsellor myself as I was becoming increasingly angry, frustrated, stressed and tired as both were cognitive enough that I could not insist/force medical intervention of any sort for either of them.

Unfortunately as things got worse what I did do is lose myself in the seedling business, I drove myself to work long hours so that I could simply crash into bed at night and sleep and not have to see or think of or deal with the emotions I was experiencing. My excuse to myself was " I am securing my partner's and my future," so we have a home of our own. I stopped seeing the counsellor as it wasn't changing things at home for me. I would try all the things suggested and it just didn't work. I stopped feeling compassion for FM and started becoming angry with my partner because I could see he needed medical help but he just wouldn't get it. I can see how this probably drove my partner to dope as he felt I wasn't there for him. The more he smoked and his behaviour changed the more frustrated I got the harder I worked and the tired I got so I could sleep the sleep of the dead. The less time I had for him as I didn't like the druggy him, the more he turned to pot, the more his behaviour became unacceptable and he still would not see his counsellor and doctor, so the frustration built to more anger. A nice vicious cycle. I saw the counsellor by myself again as I was at breaking point and she told me I was suffering from carers fatigue.

Things have changed, we now own the house and FM is no longer with us as of two months ago. I had hoped it would improve things between my partner and I but it hasn't it has actually got worse. As mentioned we are seeing the counsellor together to work through our problems but because of the dope he is just doesn't seem to care. He is not keeping his end of agreements made, he would rather get stoned.

I don't mean for this to sound horrible but after reading numerous posts here and seeing what others are going through and for how long they have been going through them I have lost hope. I can't see a future were this won't be repeated over and over. In 4 years I have had a total of about 1 yr of happiness and joy with him. I want peace and calm.

So I would like to ask for some stories of adversity over come and long periods of life were there is joy or links to such stories please. I desparately need hope to get me through the next 3 wks.

The mountain is crumbling