In need of some inspiration and hope

Hi @mountain

I have seen you here & there around the forums, but I don't think I've actually said hi to you yet.

I'm really glad you posted. As you probably have seen around the place, we are all going through tricky situations with the person we care for. It's not uncommon to lose hope and for things to get really stressful.

Have you seen @Jacob101 's post about his partner who has bipolar? Your stories have similarities. Maybe @Jacob101 could offer some advice?

We have a wonderful member @Uggbootdiva who is open about her bipolar and talks about how she works with her family to manage her bipolar. @Uggbootdiva , I know your situation isn't exactly the same, but by the sounds of it, you have a positive relationship with your family - can you share any insights for @mountain ?

While these forums aren't the answer to everything, I hope you continue to come and use this as a place to let off some steam.

Nik

Thank you uggbootdiva, your message did give me hope. It is not the bi-polar part that is hard at the moment, it is what the dope is doing to him. What I want is the bi-polar man I met and loved back, if we can get through those very hard times with the med changes etc and I still felt love and care for him I am sure we can work it out.

It is the drug influenced person now living with me that I want gone. I can't work things out with this person, I don't like this person. We go to counselling make agreements and then he just breaks them, lies, steals and is verbally abusive and edging towards voilence.

We had a breakthrough I think tonight. He broke a simple agreement worked out with the counsellor to help heal the relationship and it has nothing to do with drugs. If he didn't do what was agreed upon there was to be a consquence. He broke it, when I asked him why the first time he said he forgot, so I asked how could I help him remember, gave him what he needed and he still did not follow through. He tried charming and wheedling his way out of the coming consquence but I told him this was the line in the sand for me, it is a simple request and if he can't do this to begin the healing then there wasn't much hope for us. He experienced the consquence today, he sulked and then became abusive and I simply reminded him that he had made a choice and he knew what the consquence was. He stormed off and went out for sometime but when he came back he had totally changed his attitude to the whole thing. He is still not happy but I think he understands that he made a decision and I am not about to budge and that this truly is a make or break point in our relationship. This has given me some hope as well.

Moutain

Hi Alessandra1992,

Thank you so much for your response and questions, they are all good and it gives me lots of things to think about.

Re - my partner taking a lead. He was the one to push me to start the business, I knew how much time it would take to establish and the amount of work required, so I was reluctant to do it. He also told me he in no way wanted to be involved or do any work expect helping at the markets. Over time he did decided that he would like to grow the seedlings up to pot size. This became his project and his sole responsiblity, then he decided after some time he was over it and basically walked away from it. Same with the house I tried to involve him he would simply say not my problem you handle it. There are so many things that he just goes you handle it or if I leave it to him to deal with it simply doesn't get done, so I think I tend to handle everything and then he doesn't get the opportunity to take the lead. His favorite saying is "man was not designed to work but to live", he also came from a very wealthy family where you did business but you most definitely did not work. He is artistic with a very good eye for placement of things, I have left it up to him to place paintings and decorations in the house, so far since owning the house (6mths) he has done nothing to the general house. He has created a little cave for himself in the house for his own excuslive use with his own very special things and that is fine by me, I am delighted he has done so. I am not delighted that he has also taken things that aren't his and they are special to me because he wanted them and that the part of the house that we share he has done nothing with. This was done while on dope so it really bought out his, me, me, me, side. We lopped some trees down and he wanted them left tall so he could totem pole them, nothing. He likes to garden so I have left him to design garden beds and then we are to talk together about suitable plants. He has done a couple and then nothing.

Yes, I can see how with the pot smoking it could be part of the autonomy thing and I do believe you have hit the nail part way on the head. I have asked him with the counsellor present why he is smoking and why it is increasing. His answer is simply I enjoy it, it expands the mind, you can see so much and I am not smoking anywhere near as much as I use to before I met you. I also feel it is that with the people he smokes with he can behave like a child. They have actually told me he is "such a child". I spoke with the counsellor privately about it and she said that is what he wants, no responsibilty, he hates it when I consult with him and want his feedback opinion, etc, yet at the same time he resents it when he leaves all the decisions to me and I make them. I do expect adult behaviour from him as he is 56yrs old he is not a little boy. The counsellor feels I may expect to much from him in this regard. It puts me between a rock and a hard place as how do I know that when I do x it is controlling but then I shouldn't consult with him over z because it is too much for him. Hmm this has got me thinking maybe I should simply ask him - "do you want me to consult with you over x or do you just want me to make a decision"

Yes, we have gone through the grieving process with the counsellor sometime ago at the beginning of FM's illness and maybe he is still grieving over the change in FM and that she did finally leave, which is what he use to tell me he wanted. His behaviour towards her was what finally instigated her moving out. Maybe the increase is a way to escape the fact that she finally could not tolerate his behaviour and she finally drew a line in the sand and would not forgive him. Unfortunately in the time I had known them she accepted and allowed some, what I consider horrendous behaviour and abuse and I would be constantly intervening before it escalated into something truly nasty, I don't know if it had been like this previously. Many a time though she would delibrately push his buttons to get a reaction, I do believe this was part of her own emontional and mental issues. So by rights the stress of her not being here should help but maybe he feels abandoned because she did finally leave.

Re - asking my partner to support me, this almost makes me cry answering this. Because at the start of the business I sat down with him and said "if I do this I am going to need your support, I am going to need you to take over certain areas of the household, can you do this and what are you willing to do". He accepted this and told me what he felt he could do and then he would do it for awhile then not do it, we would talk, he would do it for a week or two, then stop. We went to counselling, it was good for a short time then it was back to the same old. I felt so let down, disappointed, hurt and unloved at this point. I had tried everything I knew, did as the counsellor advised but still it didn't work. Also at this time FM's behaviour really began to deteriorate both mentally and pshycially which would send my partner into a fury. I also began to notice that he seemed to be cycling into a period of depression which he denied when I asked him, he refused to go to counselling and have his drugs reviewed, from there things just got worse as per 1st email. Aaahhh hah, just had a light bulb moment, he took on as mentioned earlier potting seedlings up to bigger pots around this time. Maybe just, maybe he saw how I could escape into my own world with the seedlings and how utterly focused and also happy it made me and he thought this would work for him and it didn't. Between my dissappointment at his lack of support, FM button pushing and him not liking what he saw with her and now the stress of dealing with something he started that wasn't working for him and not wanting to continue but feeling he had too (which he has since told me he felt) what other escape could he have. Yes, his old friend, dope, guaranteed to make him feel good.

Hmm, now mentioning fun - it just hit me like a tonne of bricks, you are so right Alessandra, on a few occassions my partner had said to me "you are no fun anymore" unfortunately the times he choose to say it to me, I was tired and highly stressed about a multitude of things and I can clearly remember my response which was "neither are you". Our counsellor had suggested we have more fun together but we had to take into account FM. It could never be a spur of the moment thing as she would have a tantrum about not being invited if we did and my partner is a spur of the moment person. I tried planning some fun things with advance warning to FM that it was our date day/night but it was rarely successful either he didn't want to do/go or he would have a hissy fit over something that would ruin it. So I simply gave up. On reflection I am beginning to wander if FM did/said something when I wasn't around to cause this.

He knows what the deal breaker is - that is using dope as we went through this once before and I moved out of the old house very rapidly. So I do understand why he has repeatedly lied to me about smoking, if I was in his position I would do the same. I also think he didn't believe that because we have invested in a house together that I would be willing to break off the relationship. At our last counselling session he got a rude shock as I told him I would be prefectly happy to do one of two things. As the house has upstairs and downstairs living I told him if he didn't stop, he could live upstairs, multiple practical reasons for this and I explained why and I would live downstairs and we could live totally separate lives. Or we sell the house that simple. He said you wouldn't move you have your nursery here, not a problem I told everything in the nursery can be dismantled easily and moved easily.

As mentioned in my response to uggbootdiva I think I had a breakthrough with him last night I drew a line in the sand over another simple issue that we had an agreement on and he didn't keep it. He paid the agreed consquence and I think that he can now see that I am totally and utterly serious about give up the dope or it is over.

Thank you for your response and apologies for such a long reply what this has done is help me clarify some things and in it's own way given me hope.

The mountain has stopped crumbling.

mountain, loopy the name advice the game, If your flat mate is stupid enough to smoke dope on medication for MI they deserve just what they get. But they have to realise that their actions are detrimental to your health and well being and that is not a 50/50 partnership, as in FM, for the good of all especially you your FM has to be discouraged, somehow to cease the stupidity. I too read you piece many times and you do not deserve to be treated as you are being treated. Rather than repeating, I agree with Sandy.

Stick with it maybe your FM will see the light,

loopy

So sorry to hear your story. I can relate and can certainly relate to the cycle of hope then despair then hope again then despair again ad nauseum. I believe that not until your husband stops smoking dope, do you have any hope of tackling the problem. The cannabis contains a chemical that triggers psychotic thinking and episodes which sabotages the effects of the medication and all the hard work you and the counsellor and doctors put into helping him.I do hope things come good for you soon. You need love and support and understanding to be able to continue. Do you have any family members or friends who can supply that?Carers suffer from burn-out more than any other members of our society.

Hi Jo,

Thank you, your kind words have warmed my heart. Every ones warm words and encouragement and advice have meant a lot to me.

Unfortunately things are not working out well. Yet again my partner broke an agreement made together with the cousellor to begin healing. This simple agreement was he was to shower every night, he is now saying it is controlling of me to ask for this and he will not see reason. Even when the counsellor explained that what I was asking was a simple thing and reasonable. Nor does he seem to be able to grasp how not doing this one simple thing is ruining our chance of healing. We went to see the counsellor again today he left the room after having a major hissy fit. Abusing me and saying some exceedingly unpleasant things and then saying it is not like he killed someone or rapped someone so why don't I just get over it. He then stormed out of the room for awhile. The counsellor said the same thing as you have said Jo. While he is on dope we can achieve nothing and it must be his choice for him.

What she did manage to do is broker some relief for me. We will now sleep permanently in different rooms, we are to go about our lives as each of us pleases just like housemates and if we should happen to come together at a mutually convienent time to talk great. There is to be no personal expectations of those of a partner but our relationship at the moment is to be looked at as that of a friendship.

I am not to expect him to give up dope or set a time frame but he his also not to expect me to spend all my time with him, pay large amounts of attention to him and give up my business.

Unfortunately Jo my friends are a bit burnt out from the problems during his med changes and he was also very rude to them. I am mending the fences with some of them and those that understand why I have chosen to keep them a bit at arms length for awhile understand. There is one great thing about this is I have discovered who are at least my true friends. Due to this I am not willing to dump anything on them at the moment. What I have told them is that things are not working out well but I'd rather not discuss it, what I need at the moment is some fun and laughter and sharing good things to revitialise me. They are understanding of this and have willingly taken it to heart to ensure that I laugh and have fun. I suppose the worse thing for me is they have said "It is sad as he can be such a nice bloke and he is funny and charming" and it is all true and I miss that person. At the moment it is all lost, gone in a puff of smoke.

The mountain has stopped hoping for change and accepted this is the way it is now. I am slowly getting back my inner strength and fortitude. If at some point in the future my partner decides that he would like to be a part of my life again then he knows what is required. Until then I am determined to build a life for myself for my own benefit and joy.

So my priority at the moment is me. Making sure that I enjoy myself.