Ups and Downs of Husband`s Mental Illness

Hello fellow up and downers

Quick cheerio to @PeppiPatty @Cath22 @Sanatorium23 and others who may be doing it just a tad tough at the moment.

Thinking of you this morning @Shaz51, @Faith-and-Hope @Determined
Wanting to remind each of you just how wonderful you are. 😁😁😁

Hi
My husband has had health issues for as long as we have been together. I'm sure he has bipolar disorders but his psychiatrist assures me I'm wrong. But he hasn't lived with him for 36 yrs. His diagnosis is severe depression with anxiety. He has no idea as to how much money he can blow and how black his moods can be. He admits there is no more options medication wise but because of massive heart attack early in 2017 he is no longer a candidate for ECT not that my husband would agree anyway. We have cut off connection with most of our friends and my 2 boys who live at home are near the end of third patience. Do you read? I sometimes feel I can run away from everything in a book and have started journalling this year to try to stop bottling things up. Maybe even some simple volunteer work maybe visiting older isolated people in the town. Easy for me to suggest I know taking the first step is huge. Take care

@Former-Member
Hi
This is My 1st time to reach out. I don't know where or how to really start

I have had depression my self for 32 years being diagnosed not long after marrying my husband and moving into "the family farm" and a very controlling MIL our life was controlled by financial control . Can't do much on $120 a fortnight even back then.
My husband was sick at that time with pancreatic issues. Eventually about 8 yrs after marrying it got to the point he couldn't work on the farm so we left. At that time I became the bread winner in the family. He received no support from the farm and even though he was. Partner never received any payout.
He made a small recovery and tried to study, which he failed at then tried a franchise which he lost our house. Then he was offered a chance to move to Victoria as a trainer for the franchise but within 18 months the national franchisor folded the company. He bounced around from job to job with major health issues and poor self care strategies. In 2010 has suffered a brain haemorrhage after having a server hypo and having seizures. They told us he wouldn't recoverr. In 2011 he was working for a company that turned out to be laundering money for some undesirable people. He turned whilsle blower had a nervous breakdown and hasn't worked since. In April of 2017 after receiving a letter from WorkCover insurance telling him that the IME had said he was appropriate to retrain(which was a lie anyway we found when I got a copy of the report) he had a massive heart attack and was in hospital from April until September 2017. He suffered 2 further cardiac arrest and developed Acute illness polyneuropathy. Which basically left him at 1st a quadaplegic but he has developed some use of his arms but is still fully dependant on people to care for him 24/7. His depression is worse and his behaviour is at the best withdrawn at his worst, arrogant, hateful spiteful and obnoxious. I'm sorry if I sound uncaring but I don't know how to help any more. I still work full-time, care for my elderly mother who lives. With us and support my 19 old son who also has health issues and whose wife of 5 months left him at 24 hrs notice and moved herself back to USA. Having told me she doesn't want to be married she wants to be 18. Has told him she will let him know if he is to come to live with her in the USA. Since hubby came home in September I have had 5 weeks of help 1/2 a day 4 days a week. I have had 4 nights away where I have had to organise a private carer twice a day to look after him.
Today was not a good morning. I had told him last evening I would wash the dogs walk them so they could dry off before it got to hot. While we were walk one decided to go a roll in the muddy lake and then roll in the bush., This dog usually avoids water like the plague. Got home to be told hubby was in a bad mood because he wanted to get up and I hadn't been there. He said where had I been I said I told you last night when I checked with you 3 times if you wanted to go to church. He said I didn't. In the middle of this the muddy dog decided to roll on my mother's bed so that now smelt like a stagnant pond. I washed him off and cleaned the bathroom to find he had gone to my bed to dry off. So I then washed and changed Hubby and got him up. My 2 boys 1 was watching TV in air conditioning the other playing computer games at 26 and 19 . Set washing going then realised that it would be quicker to go to the laundromat as my machine take an hour on quick. So an hour later $50 poorer I have washed 30kg of laundry. The washing from the last week is still on the line and I had 3 loads to hang.
I don't know how to help him. I want to tell him to pull it together or go and live in a nursing home at 56 and see how good he actually has it at home. I know rationally that he can't snap out of it but that doesn't count when you get to this point. I don't know how to get my boys to help. I don't know how to get hubby to want to fight and try to make gains and take his health seriously.Acording to my research his life expectancy is at a maximum of 5 yrs.
Tomorrow I need to put all this in a box put the lid on and help 105 older people and my staff face another week that will have losses and sadness frustrations and fears.
I want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head and wish it would all go away.

Wow @Lesley you certainly do have a lot on your plate. I am afraid that I might be quite blunt in how I respond, I hope I do not offend.

From the sounds of it you certainly need to refuel with some self care, doing what you are doing is not sustainable for your own health. It took me too long to understand and start practising self care.

There are support services available both for para/quadriplegics as well as for mental health services. Carer support from mental health support groups like Wellways is free. Is your husband on DSP? That makes his health care options more affordable. With mum there are supports available through 'my aged care' and you may be able to get some help for her.

Carers Australia offers free counseling (can be done over phone if you are regional) if you do not have your own support.

At age 19 and 26 your boys are more than capable of contributing to the practical running of the house. All members of the house contribute to the mess and I personally feel it should not be up to one person to clean up after them.

Establishing boundaries and house rules could free you of tasks other members of the house can do. I would personally call a meeting, let the boys know that things are going to be changing, give them both a laundry basket, a bottle of detergent with the offer of a lesson on how to use the washing machine and tell them that from now on they are to do their own clothes washing. Don't bend on this, they will soon learn if they run out of clothes or if they don't get clothes off the line when rain threatens. Perhaps a start would be to ask them to bring in what is presently on the washing line.

Is cooking a meals a week each and helping with dishes beyond their capabilities? Let them know that living with you comes with responsibility.

Hubby (can I call him Mr L) is probably feeling useless and reminding him you are a team and seeking his opinion and support before tackling the boys would show that you value his input.

Finding something meaningful for Mr L to do and him having motivation to do might be a challenge but if there are things he can do around the house, this will help with his self esteem. Sometimes just doing one thing can be a start to doing something else. I don't know how difficult it is to get him out of the house or if the boys appreciate that time with their dad may well be limited. Can I suggest asking for their input as to how they would like make the most of that time by doing what you can as a family might encourage them to help. Even something as simple as having coffee and cake at wheelchair friendly cafe will get you out the house and could help lift Mr L's mood.

One thing I learned was that letting Mr Darcy know we are a team, that I am in his side made a heap of difference to us. Doing things to get him out the house when he was crook showed him I cared and he responded to this TLC.

Depression however does not justify rudeness. I guess we do know that when people are sick they are not at their best. I am assuming your husband is not physically violent, I have had no experience with DV, this is my suggestion - are you able to gently tell your husband that you appreciate that he is doing things tough, that you are too and you will no longer be disrespected with him speaking to you in a mean way; if he is obnoxious, calmly remind him of this, walk out the room saying you will be back in a couple of minutes and you would appreciate it if he can think of a more pleasant way to speak to you. If the rudeness continues, repeat the calm walk out, the reminder for respect, returning in a couple of minutes. He will test you on this, remaining firm and not appearing frazzled is essential.

I do hope you can get some support self care happening. Whilst our situations are very different we do understand how difficult it is caring for someone.

Darcy

Thanks
I guess we can all take on that we can help others by listening and being heard. Sometimes it is just vocalising our thoughts and feelings can make things seem clearer as well. Thanks for listening. I have tapped into carers support. They are the only ones who have helped and I so appreciate that. Hopefully we will be eligible for help with the NDIS but that is still to be seen. Thanks again.