Ups and Downs of Husband`s Mental Illness

Well @Former-Member@Shaz51@PeppiPatty@Former-Member@Determined @Faith-and-Hope and anyone else following my story - it's been a very emotional day for me. Each Sunday lately, I have embarked on a huge walk. I had planned this particular one and then co-incidentally my sister informs me just yesterday that she and my younger brother have scattered our Mother's ashes (at least a week ago and without involving me) at a certain park - and it's the same one that I was intending to go to.

To say I was upset is an understatement and I replied to her that I was offended that I was not given the opportunity to be a part of that. She got on her high horse and said it wasn't about me and my feelings and that as Executors of Mum's will they did what she had wanted and Mum didn't say that I had to be a part of their lives.

After a restless night, I set off. I could have taken public transport closer to my destination but I just wanted to walk the distance to the park, hoping to clear my head. I think Forrest Gump was onto something when he just kept running. At my age walking is less strenuous on the body. Maybe I should keep walking to wherever - I don't know. Clocked up 15kms this morning.

My sister had sent me a photo so I went about trying to locate the named rose bush where Mum's ashes were. After scouring the gardens, checking hundreds of bushes, I eventually found it. I sat in front of it in the garden and bawled my eyes out. Fortunately it was early and quite cold so not many people were about.

As it had been some time since the ashes were laid, the evidence wasn't that apparent. Also it had rained a couple of days ago. I took a stick and scraped away the top layer of mulch to reveal some of Mum's remains. The distinctive pale grey gritty ash contrasting with the darker earth. I rubbed it between my hands and also wrapped some up in a tissue. I have a small portion of Dad's ashes that I put in a hollow heart pendant especially made for that purpose. I had bought two at the time and gave one to my sister as a surprise. Not sure what I will do with the tiny bit of Mum I have. You may think it is morbid and that it is not her soul but I did it to get some closure and feel closer. There had been no funeral, no service? I had asked for one of Mum's plants when the sorting out for her transition to aged care was being done but didn't receive one - only a slow cooker and a cracked sieve. I had also offered to help but my assistance apparently wasn't required.

I sat there in front of the rose bush for an hour or so crying, talking aloud to Mum, finding it hard to believe that she was gone but grateful that I was the last person she spoke to and I could tell her that I loved her whilst she could comprehend it. I watched the ants, wishing I could be one of them because life seems so difficult right now.

I plucked a stem of rose and buds and found a seat in the park to continue thinking and remembering. I recall sitting on the sofa with Mum asking her if she really wanted to move as there were other options. She had always said that she never wanted to be in a nursing home. She told me that my sibs had already organised it and they thought it was the best thing. I offered to stay with her and take care of her but of course that would have caused so much friction. When I visited her at the aged care place she would tell me that she missed her home and that it was the nicest place she had ever lived in. She told me that she was jealous of a prospective buyer because he would enjoy the things she once had. Mum also thought the activities at the aged care facility such as catching a ball and colouring in were useless and demeaning. She said the way the staff spoke was often condescending.

I'm sure she wouldn't have had these conversations with my sibs and if I told them, they wouldn't believe me. Trying so hard to be positive but the disrespect shown by them has made my grief tenfold worse. Over the last twelve months, I was told that I had to return Mum's house key, could only visit her with their permission, accused of misappropriating her money (and then when it was proven false, it was laughed off) being completely ignored and countless other things that really hurt. When my sister had finished speaking to my older brother on the phone the night Mum passed away, she hugged me saying it from him. Nothing from her and after they have given me what they deem I deserve from Mum's estate, I can't see myself ever having anything to do with them again.

My younger brother has always been aloof but after my sister and I had banded together caring for Dad towards the end, it blows me away that she could be so callous. Things sure change. Maybe this comes across as bitterness but when I look at other families, this rates as pretty much rock bottom.

Beautifully said @Faith-and-Hope

@soul i wish you peace. Your family cannot rob you of your love for your mum, or special moments shared with her throughout your life.

The conversations you had between each other are a part of you.

the special time by the rose bush, time spent sharing your grief with her cannot be measured. You have found your own way to remember your mum. There will be other moments in time. Your memory of her can be experienced anywhere.

Be gentle with yourself. Do not try to find reasons for your families grave disrespect. You have done nothing wrong. It is their loss. They seem incapable of experiencing love at a deeper level.

sending you compassion xx

@Faith-and-Hope - I do have two rugs that my mother knitted for me on the sofa. When I divorced and was overseas at the time, my home was sold. My ex threw most of my things away but when I recently asked my son if the rugs were still there, he searched for them and gave them to me.

Wrapping up in them like a comforting hug sounds like a lovely idea.

Thank you @Former-Member for your kind words. You're right in that they can never take away the memories I have with my Mum even though in latter times they manipulated her and shut me out.

sending you hugs my friend @soul

Hi @soul

People can find remarkable ways to hurt each other - personally I could not be bothered thinking anything up - but then - on the morning after our mother had died during the night I went to my daughter's house - my daughter had to come to my place and pick me up even though my sister had to drive right by here - and when I went into my daughter's house I walked up to my sister to give her a sisterly peck on the cheek and she walked backwards away from me and crashed into the fridge -

Strange person

Anyway - it seems there are a bunch of us here with strange sisters - I was not told when my mother's ashes were interred beside Dad's - aw - this did hurt - but I don't allow my sister much space now - mum's been gone for well over two years now and I do have some of her things - and some of Dad's things - and the house was full of stuff and I would have like the chance to look and see but that never happened either

I don't know about keeping ashes - that is not something I would do but then - I was creeped out when my then-h brought my son's ashes home and planted them on the kitchen table. I could not have them in the house and I would not have them left outside in my then-h's vehicle either. He had to take them down the the vicarage to be kept in the church until the interment and requiem mass which was private

I really did not enjoy all of this

Still - whatever other people find comforting I do not visit my son's resting place - nor my parents - to me "They are not there" but live on in my heart and memories. Being left out is harder -

People do some strange things though - my family was upset with what went on when my son died so his ashes were interred privately - but they put a little plaque on my grandparents grave about him - and he is not there either.

As hard as it is - I guess people will do what they will and we can't please everyone and not everything people will do will please us either - but we need to do what is important for us - after all - if we please ourselves - at least one person is happy

I'm so sorry about your experience though

Dec

Pretty awful huh @Owlunar? As soon as Mum had passed away at the hospital, my brother started taking off her jewellry. I mentioned to him that Mum had promised me her wedding ring and his response was that he would need to consult her will.

When my son turned up, I asked my brother if he had a problem with me "minding it' until the will had been seen. I was going to pinch it from the table if he said no but he consented. I think if just the sibs had been there, he would have refused. He's a bit of a bully like that.

Mum was in aged care and when she moved from her home, I was not allowed to help clear the place out. I have no idea what happened to all her furniture, appliances, everything she owned but I was never consulted or offered any of it.

According to my brother, none of her personal effects make up her estate. He said they were all "dealt with prior to her move" according to her wishes.

Hello @PeppiPatty , where are you my special friend

Hello @soul, @Owlunar, @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope, @Former-Member, @Determined, @Jo, @JoJo99, @Rose96, @Anony18, @Former-Member, @Former-Member

well as you know Mr shaz has been stopping and starting his med , sometimes stopping for a couple of weeks until he wanted me to start a new thread called "Stop!!!! I dont want to play anymore "", nearly endd up going to hospital a couple of times , lots of ups and downs and a lot of pressure on me too as well as looking after my mum after her mayor surgery and months of recovery

Well mr shaz has put himself back on all the meds, so here we go again