Hi @complexfrappe I'm so glad my reply resonated with you. To be honest, I felt sense of awkwardness, exposing myself. To know you understand, has helped me too. I feel less alone.
Yes, I can relate to everything you have described.
The diagnosis brings new clarity.
It is not so easy to look, & yet, there is absolutely nothing wrong about having name for how our minds cope & organise world around us.
Denial & Acceptance.
Oh gosh, this is not fun. Very difficult. Yes, heavy. I don't like heavy. I like light! Downplaying is perhaps defence, protecting oneself.
The struggle is real.
Sounds flippant - pain is real. It sucks. There are different thoughts, I think Buddha claims that life is suffering.
I watched Father Stu, Mark Wahlberg recently. At first I didn't like it. It turned out to be a great movie, & then I found out was based on true story.
This quote in particular, stuck with me,
We shouldn't pray for an easy life, but the strength to endure a difficult one. Because the experience of suffering is the fullest expression of God's love. It is a chance to be closer to Christ.
Personally, I want easy. That is all I want. I have had enough crap to last me ten life times ( thankyou so much for your kindness & seeing me too, & whilst dealing with your own struggles❤️)
I don't really understand the entire quote - I think the main point is that, suffering cannot be avoided, therefore, praying, or building strength is really the best way to go.
Things feel heavy, because they are heavy. There is enormous weight, to be carried.
That is what these forums are. We can share our burdens, build & give strength through each other.
Knowing that I am not alone, that none of us is truly alone in our existence - it is a wonderful equaliser.
Maybe that is what the second part of the quote is about. Knowing that all of us suffer. This is where we can find God, Love.
I am not there yet.
I don't even know if I'm capable of getting to the starting line. I have to believe, that I can. What is the alternative?
It is very difficult, beyond words, beyond comprehension.
Before, when we were downplaying - that is not life. That is not full expression of human existence.
It feels 'easy' - I have suspicion it is opposite.
To embrace entire self - this takes sh*t loads of courage, inner strength.
I know you have the strength to do this & I believe there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel!
You are already doing it, - acknowledging how, before, it never appeared as bad (as it is now)
I believe the body, spirit needs health. There is not really anything, I have to do, except allow this to happen.
The 'processing' hurts. It is perfectly normal reaction. It can feel unbearable.
I have personal action/safety plans in place. It helps me to feel safe, to know what I will do, when I can no longer bare the emotions, or I know, I am becoming more sick than I am capable of coping with.
Writing in a diary can help me get out feelings & makes me feel more grounded.
I could possibly be more proactive in calling crisis numbers (old tapes telling me, I don't want to take up there time!)
Hydration seems to be very important for my body.
Having a person I can text at anytime has likely saved my life. They don't need to reply - although that would be my preference.
Rest.
x
