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Partner with BPD

Chook_Senior Contributor

Partner with BPD

Hi everyone,

my partner suffers with BPD, while he has done so much work on himself in the past 1-2 yrs he seems to have fallen off the track lately. It just seems like he can’t get a break and it’s as if I can’t say/do anything right. I know he loves me and I know he knows how much I love him but he seems to go down these rabbit holes/ tunnels and can only remember the bad/negatives, is there any advice on the best ways to handle this?

I am also struggling as his talks of suicide are happening more frequently, it doesn’t seem that the mental health team through the hospital are much help besides telling me to call 000, I don’t know how to respond when he is telling me how much he wants to die. Please any advice on the best communication strategies or things I can do to help him when he is in such a dark place?

I just wish he could see himself through my eyes and know how valuable he is to our little family.

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In response to: Partner with BPD

tymeModerator

Re: Partner with BPD

When going through therapy, one thing my therapists always mentioned was with BPD, it's about 'strike when the iron is - cold' @Bee36 @Chook_

As @Bee36 said, go through with the boundaries. Start small and communicate these boundaries with your partner so they feel empowered to make choices. Providing choice to a borderline is so important.

When I first connected with mental health services, I needed to write up an advanced statement so that doctors and professionals would know how to work with me. One of the things I remember writing was, "Please don't tell me to do anything. Give me choices." And yes, they stuck to that for all those years I was with them.

All the best @Bee36 @Chook_

In response to: Partner with BPD

tymeModerator

Re: Partner with BPD

Hey @Bloss , great to see you around 🙂 Welcome!

In response to: Re: Partner with BPD

BlossCasual Contributor

Re: Partner with BPD

@tyme thank you so much. This is my first time 'on' the forum. I have a daughter with BPD and have just been working on what I value and how I protect that with boundaries. It's been very helpful.

In response to: Re: Partner with BPD

tymeModerator

Re: Partner with BPD

Welcome @Bloss . Well done on reaching out. I can say it's not easy caring for someone with BPD. I can't say I've experienced being a carer, but as someone who has lived experience of BPD. I don't think I'd have the energy to have to look after myself as a borderline.

But one thing that really stood out were the people caring for me who could maintain boundaries. These were people who were strong enough to resist the meltdowns and the tears. Others whose boundaries were a bit murky eventually went off because of burnout. Boundaries will protect you and your daughter.

From a borderline's perspective, our lives and world is so chaotic. When we have boundaries, we may not show we like it, but it actually helps us keep safe because we know what to expect. Otherwise, even small things were a trigger. If someone said they'd call me at 1pm, and didn't call until 1:30pm, I'd fly into a rage. I'd have thoughts that they were 'getting rid of me' or 'leaving me' or 'ignoring me'.

As I mentioned earlier, talking therapy has made a world of difference for me. BPD is a highly treatable condition. It just needs to right treatment.

Once again, great to see you @Bloss

Hi @Chook_ @Bee36 !

In response to: Re: Partner with BPD

Bee36Senior Contributor

Re: Partner with BPD

I like to read your posts @tyme thank you...i am looking into some sort of talking therapy for my husband, I think he thought going to visit the psych and being put on different medication was all he would need to do 🤦‍♀️, actual therapy is a bit of a sore point to discuss with him atm. It really is a 1 step forward and a few steps backwards kind of process, I will try and utilise the choices you mentioned when bringing this up with him again. Thank you.
Hello@Bloss

In response to: Partner with BPD

Chook_Senior Contributor

Re: Partner with BPD

Yeah I know what you mean, even finding the right time to have the “what should I do when you are talking of suicide” discussion is proving to be difficult

In response to: Partner with BPD

Chook_Senior Contributor

Re: Partner with BPD

@Bee36 I don’t seem to have the burn out (maybe it’s not yet), my biggest struggle is just how alone I feel in supporting him, no one seems to understand bpd, I am by no means a professional but it’s scary when I seem to know what to do/not to do and the mental health care team (medical professionals) don’t and my partners close friends and family just don’t seem to give a damn about learning and helping.

I’m just determined not to give up.

In response to: Re: Partner with BPD

Chook_Senior Contributor

Re: Partner with BPD

Such good advice! CRAZY that a statement like that needs to be done to health professionals.

I have been suggested to work through a 12 week course on bpd Australia’s website, family connections. I am currently looking into it but it sounds like a really good resource to help me support my partner @Bee36

https://www.bpdaustralia.org/about-family-connections/

In response to: Re: Partner with BPD

tymeModerator

Re: Partner with BPD

Hey @Chook_ ! Thanks for sharing!

The support on this thread has been astonishing. Thanks everyone @Chook_ @Bee36 @Bloss

Hope you are all okay.

In response to: Re: Partner with BPD

Chook_Senior Contributor

Re: Partner with BPD

It really has been! I feel so much better knowing I’m not alone and hearing others advice/ stories.

Extremely grateful for this page!
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