How to let go of someone who hurts you

Hi I’m new here looking for guidance,’advice or tools for me to cope with my new life. My

background info is long so I’ll try to skip over the unnecessary parts. I am married, recently separated (I moved out) but we are still in a relationship. I am still in love with my husband but know we can’t be together in the real world. I can’t let him go. I love him so much even though he continues to hurt me and makes me feel horrible everyday. We have been married 11 years. I had 2 children when we met- he always wanted children of his own and I wanted to have them with him. We tried but didn’t happen. We married, bought a house,

both worked and were so in love and happy! We fell pregnant 5 years ago and were so happy and excited. Everything changed. I felt him pushing me away,

choosing to work instead of spending time with us. I was also working and becoming upset about this feeling of him not enjoying being with me anymore. I was becoming exhausted as I was left to be with the baby and work and he was helping less and less- I became resentful. I begged him to spend time with us, it would cause arguments.

i would write letters to explain how I wS

feeling- nothing changed. I moved into a spare room of our house. I then fell pregnant again- we were excited and for a small time things improved. I worked all the way up to the birth of our daughter - he started helping less and less. He would see me arrive home, heavily pregnant carrying our baby, bags from work and daycare, groceries that I got on my lunch break and he wouldn’t even help me into the house. I was heartbroken, angry and resentful. I gave birth, he was there. The next day I was due to go home- no complications. We arranged that he would take a few days off work at this time- 20 mins after birth he asked if he could work the next day. I said no, I would be discharged and he needed to take us home from hospital. I was upset when he asked this for a second time later. I finally said - ok go to work in the morning to sort stuff as I probably will be waiting till midday to be discharged. He went to work. Phone switched off. No contact from him. I rang and rang- I was shattered and embarrassed that my husband wasn’t answering. I had to organise someone else to bring my car from home to hospital and I drove myself home with our newborn. He walked in our front door at nearly 6pm- he saw me and said “oh you got home then?” I was mortified and hurt. He gave the excuse of “my phone was flat” “I was busy at work” This same

behaviour continued. He refused to spend time with us at all, I went to family functions alone, took the girls to parks/ zoo/ events alone, he would always have an excuse of being too busy. He wouldn’t sleep in our bed most nights, fell asleep on the couch. I cried every night and went back into the spare room in the hopes he would miss me. Nope. He just kept living life the same, say good morning as he left for work. I wanted things to get better, I tried to tell him again how I felt in letters in text messages. I would pour my heart out and sometimes he never even read the letters I wrote him. He refused to talk to me about our relationship and just wanted to pretend nothing was wrong. He began to get angry when I would ask him repeatedly to help me with the girls. He would avoid me, come home late, hide where he had been, just anything to not be around me. I hated sleeping in spare room, I was so sad and alone. Working and taking care of the girls almost alone watching everyone around me have such loving fathers for their kids, loving marriage - I wanted that. We used to have that. His anger exploded and he punched holes on wall during an argument- I rang the police. After that he pushed me away even more. I’m sure he took pleasure of seeing me sad, exhausted and heartbroken. After another violent outburst in front of our girls and police again called - I decided that I would move out. I told him

this and begged him to change- he didn’t listen and I moved out. I took nothing from the house beside our clothes. I have been in a rental townhouse for 12 months now. I hoped that this would make him see I was serious, that he would miss his family. Nope. He says he wanted us home yet seemed like so much hate he has towards me- blaming me for moving out, breaking up our family, he plays the victim. He refused to take out children so I can have a break- not one night in over 12 months have I had without the children. He goes and visits his friends whenever. Ignores us for days/ weeks. Missed both the girls bday this year completely, not even a phone call. Blames me because I ring him too much and send him too many messages so he turns his phone off and missed their birthdays ? He was staying here every night for awhile and I thought we may be heading for us to move back home- then I found dating profile and messaged on his phone. Hasn’t met up yet with anyone but messages and photos were explicit and he was inviting these women into my home to have sex with him. He sent messages calling them sexy and saying horrible things about me how I was his ex and never let him do anything and I made him depressed. All the time was here sleeping with me but messaging them. I was gutted. I am so consumed with where he is now, he is back ignoring us and avoiding us. I am struggling cause I want him. I don’t want to raise these kids alone. I want the life I was promised, for my girls to have the life they deserve. I have begged and

argued and cried and tried everything. I know I deserve better, but I don’t want anyone else. I hate my life now. I hate him for doing this to me, to us. I can’t cope without him yet feel worthless when I am with him. Please help me cope with letting go of him, letting go of the life I wanted ….