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Something’s not right

I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

ArraDreamingSenior Contributor23 Dec 2023, 7:28 am AEDT

I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

sat in the garage couldn’t stop looking on the internet, looking through paperwork, looking through emails and a really small handful of pics, just trying to find anything I could to feel connected to my mum

wife came in asked me to come to bed we hung out and both went to sleep, then I woke up got my phone out again in the middle of the night

didn’t get much sleep at all
looking for any information I can to feel close to my mum, is there things I don’t know that I could find out
is there information out there thst can help me
Is there confirmation out there that she did/didn’t love me
If dad had no influence would she have been able to look after us would she have been well if it wasnt for him
Trying to look for more pics of her before it all goes from my memory
Was it her choice to have us taken away? Probably not no, was it better that way for her that we weren’t there? Probably
what kind of grandparent to my kids would she be?
was she ever happy when we were around?
reading the documents trying to find information about her, I know she liked purple things but what else did she like? before she had kids what things did she like to do, none of it’s on there it’s just reports and stuff about us
she never wanted us to go I thought she did I always though she wanted to give us up because she hated us but that’s not what happened
she really tried she asked the school to help us with food the school gave us food every day because mum asked for it not because they knew we were hungry mum actually tried she fought for us
she fought to have us back
she put up with my dad cause she thought that was what she had to do

51 replies

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In response to: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

ArraDreamingSenior Contributor23 Dec 2023, 2:31 pm AEDT

Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

we didn’t get what we needed but i don’t blame her anymore I blamed her for a long time but I have learnt that she did the best she could she knew no different @tyme
I beleive that if she had her time again she would change things if she had the capacity,she woild want things to be different, I know that she was able to she would of liked to of been the one to look after her kids, not the care system not us fending ourselves @tyme

In response to: Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

ArraDreamingSenior Contributor23 Dec 2023, 2:32 pm AEDT

Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

she probably would have left dad sooner too if she could @tyme

In response to: Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

tymeModerator23 Dec 2023, 2:36 pm AEDT

Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

And she may have had more supports for herself to manage her own traumas. The inter-generational trauma is so real @ArraDreaming Sometimes, it takes years and years for therapy to be able to manage trauma... yet I'm doubtful she had much support with this. She was left to fend for herself and her children.

And it sounds like the ongoing trauma of violence at home would have culminated overtime.

But yes, she did the best she could.

In response to: Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

ArraDreamingSenior Contributor23 Dec 2023, 2:43 pm AEDT

Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

@tyme and all of the other stuff that happened

and it makes me so sad that for so many years I doubted her and thought that she did of all of that stuff on purpose cause she didn’t love us and spent a long time up until recently just resenting her and getting angry at her cause I didn’t understand
My heart hurts @tyme

In response to: Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

ArraDreamingSenior Contributor23 Dec 2023, 2:47 pm AEDT

Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

I fully thought that every time they took us away she was happy about it, what parent would be happy about that (aside from my asshole dad) I can’t even imagine it, I thought all this time she was happy to see us go @tyme

In response to: Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

ArraDreamingSenior Contributor23 Dec 2023, 3:03 pm AEDT

Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

not gonna lie we missed out on things, we went without but now that I look back I know her heart was there

sometimes I think about as a parent at night what I could of done better that day or how I can provide more or better for my family I have no doubt that if she could look back now she would probably think the same but she didnt have the capacity back then to think that way, or action it

@tyme she just did what she always did she didn’t think maybe the way I do about my family she just knew no different she was also stuck in this cycle with my dad he manipulated her and hurt us all more then I will ever be able to share @tyme
even when I have shared things they don’t half of what really happened not even welfare know

In response to: Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

ArraDreamingSenior Contributor23 Dec 2023, 3:06 pm AEDT

Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

The only people that know is the people that saw it… including my mum Nd dad who are both dead now

In response to: Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

tymeModerator23 Dec 2023, 3:10 pm AEDT

Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

I hear you @ArraDreaming . Sounds tough.

In response to: Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

ArraDreamingSenior Contributor23 Dec 2023, 3:13 pm AEDT

Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

I just want answers @tyme I just want to know more

In response to: Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

ArraDreamingSenior Contributor23 Dec 2023, 3:16 pm AEDT

Re: I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

I want to give her a hug, I want to invite her over for Christmas, I want her to see my kids @tyme and see the family we have built, the dad I grew into when I least expected it, now I have 1 kid that found me a the right time and made me a dad and two that are just little mini mes @tyme I wish she could see that

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.