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A Poem? Maybe?

katoSenior Contributor10 Dec 2014, 7:17 pm AEDT

A Poem? Maybe?

Hurt, Lost, Broken

My life is in tatters, my dreams have crumbled around me

I had the life, i had it all

How did i fail

How did i fall

Cruising through life, using everything i could

To keep myself moving

To keep myself high

The ups are fantastic, the best place to be

Altho i could never see the disease

The illness taking over me

No treatment

No plan

No help

Just searching for the high that evaded me

Using this drug and that

To maintain that happy place

When in reality

I was just wasting space

Broken and tired

My life in ruins

How stupid of me to believe

That i was as fantastic as i could be

Tortured now, by the memories

The lows, so low some will never know

How quickly life changes

When everything crumbles and falls in a heap

Now i am lonely

Now i am unloved

Now i have no peace

No place

No love from the one i hurt so much

I still miss her dearly

And altho i know we will never be

I can always hope it untrue

A dream to awaken from

Faith only blames me

Treatment only dulls me

Pain is all i feel

Hate of myself is all i can think

Why did i not notice

How could i not see

Why did this happen

Unanswered questions just for me

The hardest part of it all

Is knowing i will never get to say goodbye

To those who were closest to me

All hope is lost

No freedom for me

Forever trapped in this hellhole

I hope not for an eternity

Thank you

Sorry i just needed to write

376 replies

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In response to: A Poem? Maybe?

ZahliaSenior Contributor31 Oct 2015, 3:02 pm AEDT

Re: A Poem? Maybe?

This comment has been moved by a moderator to another part of the forum where it might be more easily found by the community.

In response to: A Poem? Maybe?

Unknown userMember31 Oct 2015, 3:10 pm AEDT

Re: A Poem? Maybe?

Thanks @PeppiPatty I will love the purposeful nature of work and the distractions it will give me... If I get a job!
😊
Lj

In response to: A Poem? Maybe?

katoSenior Contributor11 Nov 2015, 8:07 pm AEDT

Re: A Poem? Maybe?

@PeppiPatty cool new name i likes it, i have massive expectations of myself and hold alot of things that i have done wrong very harshly against myself, i am too critical of myself and what i did whilst in the throes of being unwell, and i don't know how to make it where i can actually accept that what i did was not me but my illness, and that i should not keep punishing myself the way i do.

i work too much, i stress too much i am afraid of reaching out to older friends still..... so isolating myself out of fears for no real reasons.

Interesting news tho, i have been going through the paperwork etc for getting divorced, i had to see someone to help me be able to make sense of what i had to fill in, so i got that help, and messaged my ex, to work out how she wanted me to get the paperwork to her, and she said i could just go around and drop it to her............ so i did and i saw her for the first time in over a year, it was super daunting, but it went ok, we had a short chat about a few things that have been going on in our lives it was good

i am really thankful to be able to read through everyones journeys here and add my own this forum has really been the biggest help for me

In response to: A Poem? Maybe?

PeppiPattySenior Contributor11 Nov 2015, 11:44 pm AEDT

Re: A Poem? Maybe?

Dearest @kato

I'm just going to ask : without the usual opening paragraph ;
If you had any wish in the whole wide world ........ How long would you be working. ?

If you had any wish in the whole wide world would you be keeping the same hours ?

Please don't answer.
Just let the days go by and see what happens. Maybe you just need ;

A/ a Sick day or two to give yourself time to get yourself stable.

B/ to think who are the people you know well and would Love to hear from you.

C/ just give your poor self a little rest. So you don't feel dizzy from overwork.

Do I remember correctly ..... That your work contacted you and addressed your MI but said they are willing to forget the past ?
It's on this thread isn't it ?

In response to: A Poem? Maybe?

PeppiPattySenior Contributor12 Nov 2015, 12:19 am AEDT

Re: A Poem? Maybe?

Dear @kato
I'm re reading your thread
It's good reading
I'm up to 14 Jan with a post @Rick wrote ( good post to revisit ) and jeepers

You have been writing about your music .....
Do you need to remember your music ?

Just to let you know : I went to a training day at my work today ;
I'm a support. Worker and I work ..... Only one point five fours per week.
I tried to work 5 hours per day 3 days per week with one job every day last year and collapsed after 2 or 3 months
But been with the caring place for years and worked quite a lot in the past.
I went in with no shame as a proud consumer.
Happy with the extremely small amount of work I do.
I didn't feel overworked. It was a good feeling. The lady doing the training gave me a big hug at end of training day ..... I felt very special !

In response to: A Poem? Maybe?

LoopySenior Contributor24 Nov 2015, 7:34 pm AEDT

Re: A Poem? Maybe?

Daddy Told Me

I was told I was living a lie
I was told don't bother to cry
I was told they no longer did care
I was told I love you, they did not dare

I was told I am a bad role model for my sister and brother
I was told I was betrayed by my mother
I was told my mother did not love me
I was told that is why she chose to flee
I was told, the love I have for my mother to hide
I was told I later picked the wrong side

I was told the abuse I got was 'tough love'
I was told that while getting a shove
I was told I brought them to shame
I was told I was many horrible names

I was told I was not the daughter they had in mind
I was told the love for me they could not find
I was told I was expected to fall
I was told they would not help when they received that call

I was told I was going nowhere
I was told to stay far from there
I was told I would not make much of my life
I was told she'd be the one to cut with a k....
I was told they would leave me alone
I was told I was a daughter disowned
Daddy no longer wants his little girl

In response to: Re: A Poem? Maybe?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor24 Nov 2015, 7:46 pm AEDT

Re: A Poem? Maybe?

I just have to say that I like the poem @Loopy ... not the possibility that it might reflect how you have been treated. Good Luck.

In response to: Re: A Poem? Maybe?

LoopySenior Contributor24 Nov 2015, 7:50 pm AEDT

Re: A Poem? Maybe?

Am I Alone

I get a funny feeling,
it comes from deep inside.
I get all mad and angry,
wanting to go and hide.

My doctor calls it depression,
my dad says it's just me.
But the thoughts and feelings,
no one will ever be able to see.

Some say I'm psycho,
some say I'm just weird.
It's like I'm a different person,
and the old me just disappeared.

I get really edgy,
I want to something silly real bad.
Then I get a headache,
followed by feeling sad.

I wish I could get help,
I wish it would go away.
Maybe if I keep praying real hard,
it will some day.

In response to: Re: A Poem? Maybe?

LoopySenior Contributor24 Nov 2015, 7:59 pm AEDT

Re: A Poem? Maybe?

Anger i have Anger i did
Anger so hot, in Furnace i lived

Venting and Fuming, Huffing and Puffing
Consuming my Soul, some memories old
Burning and Seething, misdeeds repeating
Spreading hurt and making Hearts cold

Anger so toxic, it heated up my Veins
this hot blood then reached my Brain
all rationale and logic then failed
pelted everyone, lashing words like ' Hail '

Anger so frequent, there was no peace
even in Icelandic cold, i wouldn't freeze
Steaming my actions to undiscovered 'Darkness '
Words like 'R.... ' cutting souls with 'Sharpness

All my Love, this Anger consumed
where did i find it and how come so soon?
Saw it, felt it perpetually in Denial
Let's extinguish it with something remedial

Surrounded myself with things of Beauty
keeping it at bay, like a ritual and a Duty
Sigh... i will Breathe again
When, in my veins ONLY ' love' remains

Anger i can't, Anger i don't
The Coffin of Anger, i Buried alone!

' Anger '

Yamini Khanna

In response to: Re: A Poem? Maybe?

MoonGalSenior Contributor25 Nov 2015, 10:03 am AEDT

Re: A Poem? Maybe?

@Loopy - thank you, Daddy told you a world's worth of lies and harm.

I hope you can undo all those tellings and replace the terrible-recording of Daddy's lies with a strong voice of love and self-compassion, retelling your life with strong, true, resilient and loving verse inside yourself.

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