How to accept my grown children dislike each other and the problems this causes

dear @Snowdrop

How are you ?

Its definately the right place to write because to me at least it feels like you are beginning to reach inside yourself and begin to selfcare.....on your experience of a difficult family life.....

Do you need to self care by going to a cafe with a friend every second day and talk about the weather ?

Or go to the library?

I am truly sorry about what you are going through........Your parents and your sister....I hope that you are being loved and cared for well. Please write more about your feeling about them...everyone here is always so happy to read........

.May I bring up some thoughts of mine that prove your good parenting...

1. You apologised.

2. You have great grandchildren. How did your children bring up such great children ? Because you taught them how to be loved by a parent.

Dont get caught up in your middle child's insecurities......hard I know.....I have two sons and I want the world to move whenever they even open their mouths because in my eyes are so manaaging their lives in unusual and difficult circumstances.....

Every parent has made mistakes when bringing up our children but you said sorry......that is so much more than what so many parents wouldn't do.....

Do you think you could also imagine the sorry inside yourself and walk away? Many parents have not done that you know.....but you can...I'm sure that you can. So many wonderful people have written to you and been amazed by your dedication and love to your children....my friend @Appleblossom ( I also Love what @Heart writes..) see how @esprit keeps on writing your great parenting and even @Ellu ....

There are a lot of parents... in our little society here who dont know how to parent...

for instance ; remember the poor darling parents who have not been taught basic hygeine ....

Am so happy to read your messages........You have three children who are so LUCKY to have you. How many adult children have been stranded once they hit a stumbling block like your middle son?

I better go... I need to make myself my self care hot chocolate for bed time.....

PeppiPatty...

dear @Snowdrop

How are you ?

Its definately the right place to write because to me at least it feels like you are beginning to reach inside yourself and begin to selfcare.....on your experience of a difficult family life.....

Do you need to self care by going to a cafe with a friend every second day and talk about the weather ?

Or go to the library?

I am truly sorry about what you are going through........Your parents and your sister....I hope that you are being loved and cared for well. Please write more about your feeling about them...everyone here is always so happy to read........

May I bring up some thoughts of mine that prove your good parenting..

1. You apologised.

2. You have good grandchildren. How did your children bring up such great children ? Because you taught them how to be loved by a parent.

Dont get caught up in your middle child's insecurities......hard I know.....I have two sons and I want the world to move whenever they even open their mouths because in my eyes are so manaaging their lives in unusual and difficult circumstances.....

Every parent has made mistakes when bringing up our children but you said sorry......that is so much more than what so many parents wouldn't do.....

Do you think you could also imagine the sorry inside yourself and walk away? Many parents have not done that you know.....but you can...I'm sure that you can. So many wonderful people have written to you and been amazed by your dedication and love to your children....my friend @Appleblossom ( I also Love what @Heart writes..) see how @esprit keeps on writing your great parenting and even @Ellu ....

There are a lot of parents... in our Australian society here who dont know how to parent...

for instance ; remember the poor darling parents who have not been taught basic hygeine ....

Am so happy to read your messages........You have three children who are so LUCKY to have you. How many adult children have been stranded once they hit a stumbling block like your middle son?

I better go... I need to make myself my self care hot chocolate for bed time., then do some take 5 puzzles..I spoend as much time as I can spending time self caring. I walk the dog, go to the beach and sit alone for a while. writing a novel with help with my Psychotherapist, quilting and drawing but reading is a huge joy for me....

PeppiPatty...

@Snowdrop, There has been so many great points made by @PeppiPatty. Your children are very lucky to have you as such a caring and understanding mum. For you to continue doing that you do have to self care. I know this can be hard to do will the mind is all over the place but start with little steps. Some times you do have to push your own self to do this.

@PeppiPatty, what is the novel you are writing. Would love to read it when it is finished. Was the hot choc good?

Please take care of your self @Snowdrop, and keep talking to us.

Hugs all round.

@Snowdrop

I am becoming resigned to the fact that my children have needed a great deal of space and time to come to terms with their childhoods. It is sad when siblings dont get on, but there is consolation when I know that as individuals they are all good decent people.

A lot of women were premature peace-makers. We tended to think that it was our job. Current understanding of conflict resolution takes skills, and resources of time and free space to interact, that is not always available in family systems. Dont be too hard on yourself about that, but you are right, it tends to generate consequences.

It takes more than a few hours of reflection to come to terms with all the aspects of how we were parented and then apply perfect parenting according to the best parenting models of the time. The engine of the past keeps its ramifications going, and the best we can do is improve as much as we can .. to evolve a little .. is enough.

Hope the next few weeks are bearable. To some extent your depressed son has chosen his solitude, so maybe find a way to connect with him over the good aspects of quiet solo time rather than worrying about him missing the fun. He has made it clear he would not have been having fun anyway. He is also making adult choices, which are no longer your responsibility. Maybe put a limit on him about complaining, but spend some quality time with him after christmas .. if that is possible.

Wow @Appleblossom...Apple... your writing is beautiful.

It helps me dealling with a problem that 'm having with my neighbours as well.

And my sister in law.

I just read it again and again. That @Snowdrop middle son chooses solitude and so, go with that that and assist him with connecting with the good aspects with good solo time......and making good adult choices.

What am I missing out on?

sometimes the easiest suggestion is just choose your own intuition and go with this. This is what your message is saying to me.

Well things had been going well for a while - or was it a case of no news is good news???

I had only had brief messages from my son for a few days, and although I honestly never know if that is actually good ....... I somehow take strength from it and thing that it is because all is going well.

But 2 days ago - and he has a chance to resolve a particular issue that has been with him for about a year - but of course that throws up problems to him of which of the two options should he take - both resolve the issue, but there are two courses he could take. Added to that is that his lease is up and he has to renew or take the option he has been given of moving into a slightly bigger place in the same building. Moving is obviously the best choice because he will be going from a studio to a 1 bedroom - but of course it costs more - so more problems with not being able to make a decision and the two things are causing him no end of stress.

I've made a point of just telling him my opinion of pros and cons for him without telling him which option to take - and to be honest he has not asked me which option he should take - it is just another thing that he somehow feels he has to try and find the strength to deal with.

I am actually up as I have to go to the airport at about 1.30 am to collect my eldest son, and checking emails I see one from my d son and he says that last night he spent 6 hours in emergency with a migraine, that he was on fluids and endone and is now at home.+

If this happened to my other children I would be concerned, following up with a telephone call to check all is well etc etc etc.

With my d son - it has thrown me from a feeling that 'all is reasonable well' to a feeling that the rug has once again been pulled from underneath my son and therefore by default - from under me.

I will ring him in the morning of course and check that all is well - but due to anonymity I can honestly say I am dreading it and frightened to hear what I may hear - (after a short amount of time being reasonably normal - and I use that word advisedly as I have no idea what normal is, in fact I have no doubt that every one of us has a different 'normal') He may have reached one of his low points where he is again finding it very hard to cope, medication not working as it should, decisions to be made.

And again I am feeling lost and alone and not knowing what to do - mainly because I know there is nothing I can do but be on the end of the phone. I've said I will visit in the new year, but that is not now is it.

I know why I feel lost and along - because I don't know how to help him right now! I know - or think I know - that all will at some stage be well again but that's not helping now.

The feeling of being so useless is awfull. The feeling that you know that it is his illness that is actually blaming you is awfull, and you both know that when things improve a bit he will know it is the depression that caused most of the blame.

But the problem is that I know that his depression will never lift enough for him to accept the issues and problems and that no matter what there will always be this part of him that feels he is not totally accepted, not totally loved by his father or siblings, not totally loved and accepted bythe outside world (ie no partner and no close friends he can call on). And, quite honestly (and I can understand this ) why me? Why can't something go right in my life? Am I less worthy than my siblings?

I know he has these thoughts. I can't answer them. How do you answer your child when they are in pain? And unfortunately when that pain can manifest itself in often making them a not very likeable person.

Right now, at 1.30 am I am floundering - again!

Good luck to everyone with problems - I hope you all get some sort of relief from your issues. I hope you see an end in sight because I am blowed if I can see one. My sensible mind tells me to delete that last sentence as my problems are minor compared to others, but I'm leaving it. It's how I feel right now, and its that 'now' pain that I need help with.

Thank you.