How to accept my grown children dislike each other and the problems this causes

Dear @Snowdrop

I hoped you wouldnt think my use of the word "tricky" was invalidating or demeaning.

Why I thought your post was so relevant to this community .. is that there is a bizarre amount .. at least to my mind .. of unecessary conflict that families face in contemporary times ... that culturall unaware psychiatrists may not understand .. and presume that the source of conflict lies within the family .. but often I am guessing it comes from outside the family ..education & the various medias.

I broke my neck in peace keeping and trying to keep my famnily of origin and family of creation as unified and harmonious as possible. none of that is reflected in my current life .. and my skills are not that bad .. so what is going .. I ask .. mumble ha ha .. to myself.

I have usually been progressive, even radical in my outlook ... peace

@Snowdrop & @Appleblossom, Cutting apron stings, this is a very strong phrase but very understanding.

With the conflict between my brother and my parents I held on for so many years. It got to the point that yes I had to cut the string. I am still having a hard time dealing with that but the nastiness was more than I could handle any more.

@Snowdrop, you have me a bit worried as I feel as if you are beating yourself up for what is going on. You are such an amazing mum but you have to do what is right for you. Are you able to talk to your non d children about how you are feeling at the moment with what is going on?

@Appleblossom, Glad you are healing the wounds with your daughter. How are you going in general?

take care both of you:)

@esprit, @Appleblossom, Totally agree, life has got so busy and demanding that we have forgotten how to take time out.

When I was a child (long time ago) shops didn't open to all hours let alone weekends, next to nothing was open on the weekends, no one worked on the weekends. This was spent as family/friend/ourselves time, weather it be staying at home or going for a drive. It was still spending time with family and friend and connecting with them face to face or by phone. Taking the time to look after yourself.

Now it's a matter of finding the time to do the things that should be priority.

TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES! Socially, Physically, Mentally.

Thank you everyone for your comments and thoughts. I've had a good read (several times) and also sat and done some thinking.

To a degree I do blame myself for some of the issues. I have looked back to when my children were young and though about how things were, and I've tried to follow them up through the years to where we are now.

I don't want to use the phrase - when things started to go wrong - or similar. But whatever you call it things started to change as my d son entered his teens. As a child I grew up in a house with a bad tempered father and I tried all I could to keep the peace. My husband is not easy (although not as bad as my father) and I can see that as issues arose when they were small my fall back reaction was to try and make immediate peace rather than really solve whatever the problem was.

This continued when my son's behaviour (which we now can see was the beginning of depression and anxiety) became more frequent and started to annoy his father (who has no understanding of these issues at all). So I feel back on my preferred option of trying to keep the peace, rather than what I should have been doing and that is looking fully into what my d son's problem were.

So, without being full of self pity or anything similar - am I at fault - Yes. Why did I just want to get to peace and quiet at any cost?

So when all three children had to go away to university and lived close by and calls would be made about issues the three of them had, I 'solved' it by what I thought would give immediate peace to them all. But again I didn't take into account my d son's issues.

Now re reading that last paragraph - I ask myself 'why were they ringing me to solve their problems?' and the answer is because I had always jumped in to close things down before trouble started. So I was in a spiral that I had created and they had grown up with.

The fairly recent deaths of my parents and sister caused something to happen within me - nothing on a conscious level but certainly on a sub conscious level, and I have tried since then to resolve issues and not be so ready to jump in and 'solve' their problems.

Problem - some issues that had happened between them (and that occurred at a time when I was 'trying to help') are what caused this big final rift to happen. My other two children have seen that I wanted to step back and have not involved me in issues - BUT - my d son carries all these hurts from all these years - and yes, there were times when I should have sided with him rather than finding the easiest solution.

I have told him I am sorry for things that happened, and when all is well etc I know he believes me I am sorry - but he cannot understand why when he was the one crying out for need, I did not help him.

So - here we are, children who dislike each other and me who knows (and I am not self pittying about this at all) that I had a hand in it. The two with no issues understand this. The one with depression - knows it but often can't understand and is constantly hurt by it.

It doesn't help that his siblings tell him to get over it, let the past go and get on with the future. I think he tries but he's not successful.

I've realised that I need to look after myself and I am trying - but while the head can analyise all this and put it in neat paragraphs as I have above - the heart and emotions are another thing all together.

I tell myself - I can see my son after Christmas and I know I can - but in my head is this little voice that says - but he is going to be on his own while you are having fun with some of the rest of the family.

I'm sorry for going on - there is no answer. I just need to keep supporting my d son and try and stop my mind when it starts racing along with it's but this and but that and but the other ............. I'm determined to get there.

I believe I have come a long way in being able to see what my part has been in everything and to accept it. I have to say though that in the examination of what has happened over a period of many many years - while accepting where I got it wrong, I also know I got many things right.

Despite the issues I have written about and my son's issues I have three children who work hard, are good citizens and are kind and loving people. I also have grandchildren who are a credit to their parents.

Regards to all.

@Snowdrop, After reading your last post I quote again, You are an amazing mother.

Please do not blame your self as you were repeating a learnt behaviour, and also doing what most of us mothers would have done anyway. You were only doing what you knew what and how to do it.

I am gathering when thing started changing with your d son, was in the time when there was not a great awareness of MI as there is these days. The death of your parents and sister has, by the sound of it, stirred up your sub consious. This is not a bad thing as it has made you more aware of what you may need to slow down/stop doing or step back from. Yes this can be a very hard thing to do. I undertand that your d son is not understanding what and why thing were done the way they were. Is he seing a therapist at the moment and do you thing that would help him understand more of what is going on?

I think you are amazing for having the strenght to write this trouble time in your life so openly.

Just remember: You did what you could at the time with the tools you were given to do it with.

Thanks for the kind words Heart. I write this because - believe it or not I am a very private person, even my dear sister who only passed away 6 weeks ago has never known half my issues. I cannot tell them to anyone. But I do know that I reached a point where telling someone was necessary for me if I was to try and learn how to cope and how to live the rest of my life dreading my children ringing in case something had gone wrong, but dreading not hearing from them for exactly the same reason.

I somehow must not fear when my d son rings, and I must somehow find it within me to want to pick up the phone and ring him. I love talking to all my children - but I fear what I might hear.

I won't go through it all - you will get as fed up with it as I am! And yes, all the troubles with my d son started at a time when mental issues were not so well known about or acknowledged. Or if you had a problem you were 'mad'. If only I knew then what I know now...................

So why do I write such personal things - well first of all I know I need help trying to sort it out. Maybe people on the forum can't sort it out for me - but I am hoping that sorting it in my mind will help ME to sort it out and therefore help me to move forward.

The only place I can write it all down like this is on a forum such as this. I am anonymous. I could live in the same street as any of you but neither you or I will know. And it is this anonymity that allows me to right so honestly.

And back to my d son. Yes, he sees a psychologist and also a psychiatrist and is on medication which he takes regularly. Most of the time all is well but then sometimes his therapists will think he is going well and will suggest a drop or change in medication and more often than not this upsets his balance, he depression becomes worse and he can end up being really down for a while as it then takes a while to re balance his medication and get him back to a level where he is able to cope.

He has also admitted that he hates the thought that he must be on medication for the rest of his life - and that he is unlikely to 'get better'. Sometimes when things are going well for a while he will stop seeing his psychologist - but his issues are so many that that is not always the best thing for him to be doing.

So we plod on. He does try hard I know that. But unfortunately his MI being what it is, all the good will in the world and all his efforts are not always able to keep it at bay, and I live - wondering on a daily basis how he is, how he is coping, whether today is a good day for him plus added to that is how can I get my children back to having some sort of relationship - and I continue to be upset because I know that in the short term this is not likely to happen.

So I must concentrate on trying to sort things in my own head, and if necessary, somehow come to terms with the fact that things are as they are and I can't make them better.

Thank you.

@Snowdrop, I am sending you lots of hugs today. You are so right, we are anonymous and we could live next to each other and not know it.

Learning to accept that things will be what they will be is not always easy. I am glad that your d son is seeking theropy, the change in meds is not alway a good thing. The reality of him being on them for life, I can understand the struggle within him self.

My family doesn't know half of my issues either. I wonder why we find it easier to talk to others and not the ones closest to us. I realise that no one wants to be a burden or hurt the ones closest to us.

Besides this forum are you seeking any counselling, if not would it help you to get back on track or get advise of which way to handle this better for yourself?

I have had to accept that I will probably never see or hear from my brother again. It is a very hard to but somtime you just have to say enough is enough and start look after one's self.

Thank you for the response Heart. After a lot of thinking I came to the conclusion that the reasons we can open our hearts on a forum such as this are a mixture of a couple of things.

One is that we know that the people on here have problems - they may not be exactly the same as ours but they are similiar and involve a mental illness of some kind. I don't have to worry that you will judge me as I know you have your own issues and the same goes for everyone on here.

Another reason is, that even if you did get the odd person who made a negative or stupid comment - well, they don't know me, I don't know them and I can mentally tell you to 'buzz off'.

With your family, no matter how close you are - you don't want to risk that they will judge you. So although you might skim the surfaces of your problems - you can never be as frank and as brutaly honestly as you can on a forum like this. There is always a little something held back and hidden!

I have tried to get counselling - in fact went to 2 people for about 7 sessions with each person and all I can say is that I hope my son's counsellors have better skills than the two I encountered. Money is a consideration with me and I don't have enough to risk wasting it on another counsellor.

So, I resolved that I will do my best and try and sort it out myself. Even if I don't find a solution (because there isn't one), maybe I will find some way of accepting the way things are. But honestly ................. I don't think I will. I think I will continue to keep trying but will end up like a rat on a wheel, going round and round and round and no end in sight.

Maybe that is the only acceptance I will achieve - the acceptance that there is no answer, nothing will change and that is what I have to accept.

@Snowdrop, Sorry i didn't get back to you yesterday. Fridays at work are a very long day. i usually don't get home to after 7 and then execute dinner etc, the head is done but then.

You are so true with your conclusion as to why we don't open up to family like we open up on this forum.

As for counselling, I understand that your money situation needs to be watched. I went ot my GP and got a Mental Health Plan which then allows your go get funded sessions. Pass that onto your d son if he doesn't already know about it.

For yourself you could also try Relationships Australia in your state (google it) and have a chat to them.

Totally agree that some counsellors are not a help. It is something that must be considered that you must be confortable and connect with the counsellor to make any progress. I have a great counsellor and we connect well. He understands and has had similar problems.

Make sure you don't beat yourself up when trying to find a solution. I think you need to take time out for yourself and take care of yourself.

I have found that sometime when you try very hard to find a solution for something, it can hinder the time it takes to find that solution and the outcome. But stepping back and accepting what is going on is also very hard to do when solving the problems is what you have always done.

Just make sure you take care of you!