Just dropped in to say hello

I guess my approach is similar but a little more bullish

I do believe those voices
can't seem to help it. Theyn are often accompanied by long dissociative flashbacks. And I'm kinda stuck with em.

So instead, I just say F2uck it! I'm going to do what I want to do anyway.

I also rely on the scientific model.
I gather evidence from the words and actions of others and the positive opinions of me, to counter negative core programming.
It's hit and miss depending on the severity of the hyper vigilance but generally I bull my way through


Hope endures

Rick

Hi Ellie

You will find much wisdom and help here i have got so much just from reading others stories.

i know what you mean when you say your ok at work i am the same if not for work ocuping a lot of my head space i would not have been able to cope. I suffer PTSD and depression so the most difficult times for me is night or any time i cant fill my head with other things.

But now i have found this site i really feel that there is always hope and help.

Look after youself

and remeber one step and one day at a time.

Scorpion

Hello Ellie,

Thank you so very much for your kind words.

It sounds like you are going through a complete paradigm shift.

The life you led is not available and the skills you used to deal with things no longer feel affective?

This happened to me as well. When I was 32 I suddenly just could'nt cope any more. It just all stopped working.

This I was later told by my psychiatrist was because until that point I was still using the coping mechanisms I had constructed when I was young. Being an adult with responsibilities and complex issues a childs mechanisms were no longer up to the job. I crashed.

My goodness did I crash. Hope was absent. depression all pervading. I was a danger to my self and anyone who wanted to mess with me.

Fortunately for me, a young psyche identified what I was going through. PTSd.

He referred me to a psyche who specialised in trauma. Complex PTSD.

It helped I think that someone could explain the why and the how of it all. I have to admit it did'nt make me "better". But understanding the condition and how it came about was a calming effect.

Like you my circle of friends has contracted since MY wild days. And they were wild. And I constantly worry that I will wear them out with my crap. But so far they have been stayers and they tell me that they will always stay. On a not so bad day I believe it.

Maybe yours are the same?

You are obviously a lovely person. And I'm sure you must be worthy of their love! I don't doubt it in fact.

I don't wish to advise because, What the F@ck do I know?

But if your story is any thing like mine maybe I have reflected something back that could be of use.

In the end just keep talking. Keep posting. Let your friends love you. and

Though it seems impossible but because it's self sustaining

Hope does endure

Rick

To Sandy, Rick and Scorpion. I have trouble keeping up with posts on here, so I must appoligise for not replying earlier.

Sandy, the three free sessions with my new psychologist have been using ACT and I can see the merit of it. Of course this blasted disorder makes it hard for me to engage fully because I find it so hard to trust. One of the components of that is I know my psych is only doing it for the money. Well, DUH you might say. Isn't everything about money? And yes it is, but there's always this dread that the only way I can find the help I need is through the mental health care plan, 10 funded sessions and what happens when they're gone? 10 per year simply isn't enough. Why 10 I'll never know. It used to be 18 which was a much better fit, but even a cut to 12 would have made at least calander sense. Also, I have this abandonment thing hanging over me. She swears she's not going to drop me, yet part of me is saying that people always leave. That's why I find it so hard to trust. Everybody always leaves! If I can get past that hurdle, then maybe........ just maybe, I'll find a place in life after all.

Scorpion: I know what you mean about work filling your head space. If one can manage to work, then it's certainly good for self esteeme and of course finances. In my case it's not so much about the latter. To me, my job is ME. It defies who I am and without it I'd have no idenity at all, that's why I'm so afraid of acting impulsivily and tossing it all away. I'm getting too old for a career change now. Part of my stupid brain says resign, which will put me in an "end game" situation. I usually feel like that when my mood had dropped to zero and I feel the depression like a thick, grey fog wrapped around me. On those days, the world ends just three foot from my body. There's nothing out there!

Rick: The "inner child" thing is very relevant to those suffering BPD, so you're right on the money. My coping skills used to be wild parties, wild lads and anything that made me feel real. Actually, you've made me think. Perhaps my "relapse" wasn't so much about an old ex-friend telling me I had BPD (and no doubt that was the trigger) but what if something in me recognised for the first time that whilst staying focused on a high pressure career for the past 12 years I'd allowed all my usual cohorts to go their seperate ways and I now have nobody left to fall back on? Powerful food for thought Rick. But, don't make the mistake of thinking I'm a lovely person. Yes, part of my disorder I know, but I never feel like I'm anything good at all. I find having to take compliments almost excruciating. My theme song should be "Bad to the Bone" (George Thorogood). I'm manipulative, a liar and a danger to myself and others. I drive like I'm on a speedway circuit and I've chased most of my friends away through my bad attitude, but thanks for the compliment anyway Rick. I'm trying to be a more grateful and gracious person

Dear @Ellie

We all understand when you can't reply straight away, so don't pressure yourself about it. The forum has got so big I don't know that even the mods are finding it so easy to keep up, I certainly can't! I have times when I will hardly be on for weeks - especially if I'm manic and trying to slow myself down. When you can is ok. We won't feel abandoned and we won't abandon you.

I wonder about the funded psych sessions - I'm pretty sure that you can still get up to 18, but you need to go back to the GP after the 10 and they'll need to do more paperwork. I'm as certain as I can be that this is correct - someone senior at the Vic DoH mentioned it in a meeting just a few weeks ago. Check with your GP and if you draw a blank let me know (use @mention) and I'll see what I can suss. And I agree, 10/year is nowhere near enough - this is the big hole in the NDIS rainbow. The vast majority of MI sufferers probably won't qualify for it.

I'm really glad the psych is using/teaching you some ACT. Trust when you have been abused is a hard and painful thing to grow. The very fact that you are there trying says a lot about your willingness and commitment to personal growth. Even people who haven't been abused take time to really trust someone, so if your trust has been betrayed naturally it will take longer still. And that is ok. It may be frustrating but it is a coping mechanism for keeping you safe. Keep working - if you find trustworthy people I believe in time your trust will grow.

I really understand the fear of abandonment. I was feeling quite panicky last year when my psych cut back on her hours to just 2 days a week for a while. She is an older woman and I was worried she was planning to retire. So I decided to take the bull by the horns and (calmly) ask her about it. She was very understanding and explained that she had no plans to retire in the foreseeable future. She also said she'd try to give me at least a year's warning if she decided to retire (so I have time to find a new psych to work with). Phew! Having those kind of doubts can feed the struggle to trust. It sounds like you have talked with the psych about it a bit, keep talking about it if that's what you are feeling. Of course the reality is that something might happen to anyone which is unforseen, but that is entirely beyond our control or theirs.

I used to feel like my job defined me too. I worked for the one employer from a casual job in year 12 until I went on maternity leave 16 years later. I'd been promoted (and moved sideways) quite a few times. I couldn't imagine not working there - I felt like I had their name tattooed on my forehead! When I had my first child I found I couldn't go back. So it added to all the stuff I was carrying around - PND waiting to happen. I didn't get PND but I did end up severely depressed by the time my son turned 2. The good news is that it has made me reassess my values, and I have come to know myself much better. And the most surprising gift is finding that I can like and be myslef (mostly, the self-hatred needs to be kept well in hand or it bolts when I'm stressed).

When I first started regular therapy (about 20 years ago) I really hated myself and I was so sure I was a terrible person inside that I was afraid of being honest about what was going on for me, because I thought any "normal" or "decent" person would recoil in horror. Slowly gradually I started to open up and meet myself, and learn to have some compassion for myself. The needy, clingy, manipulative person - with poor boundaries and few social skills - I had become as an adult was because of the abuse I had suffered as a child (I as trying to survive, no space for learning social skills, and not allowed to have boundaries). But it wasn't until 2009 after the Vic bushfires that the lid really got blown off. That was when my PTSD was recognised and named. It was a horrendous time, but it was so helpful to have some framework to understand my anxiety, depression, panic attacks, suicidality, agoraphobia, and high need for control. It was after the fires that I realised I'd been abused. I had always remembered it, but I'd never understood it before.

My severe depression would feel like a yawning bottomless black hole with me teetering at the edge - terrified of falling in. I was sure it would swallow me whole, it certainly seemed to suck the joy and life out of me. I still have to be aware of when I'm hitting tipping point, for me it's a warning when I start numbing out emotionally. Then I need to really slow down and look at what is distressing or overwhelming me, and deal with it as best I can. This keeps me from the brink. Usually feeling depressed is a sign for me that I need to grieve about some thing(s).

I agree with @Rick 's compliment - you are baldly honest about yourself in very negative terms, and yet you reply to others thoughfully and with concern. I read that as you having a lot of integrity, which is something "normal" people don't seem to recognise or value much - but I value it highly. It's about being real, rather than appearances - which are so often deceiving (there's that trust thing again!).

If you are interested in a rather different perspective on honesty vs hypocrisy you might try reading Scott Peck's People of the Lie, quite confronting but one of my favourite books. He defines hypocrisy as evil. Not "everyday" hypocrisy, we all have that and it's painful but worth facing up to. He means the kind where people deeply invest themselves and their energy in pretending to be somehting they are not, maybe even pretending to be the exact opposite of how they really are. So an abusive parent who always pretends to be loving and caring in public but is never so in private would fit his definition (my mum, and Rick's adoptive one too from the sound of it, fit the bill).

I think you're doing okay, and I see (like Rick) that you ARE an ok person. Keep working on the grateful and gracious, it's good for all of us (and IMHO helps in the long term with MI too).

Kindest regards,

Kristin