Just dropped in to say hello

Hello Ellie,

Wow.How brave to be so open on an initial post!

I think you'll find many people here can identify with you and your social dynamic.

The idea that we protect others from ourselves is pretty widespread and unfortunately leads to the loneliness you spoke of. But we do what we need to do, yeah? We try to live with honour and responsibility. That is special. Whether it's another form of sabotage is immaterial, since by experience we have learned the lesson and we wish to be as benign to others as we can. Is that about right?

At least with forums such as this we can have some kind of relationship. It's safe, anonymous and supportive. Some of the things we deny ourselves back in the world.

Good on you for stepping up. Saying howdy. I am awed ofeten by the simpatico nature of folks who resident here.

Keep on posting.

Hope endures

Rick

I just wish I could hide away until January 2nd too BlueButterfly50. In a way I am. I took a shift at work Christmas eve and Christmas day, so although I'll be tending to my patient's needs and giving them the best day we can (the rest of my team) I'll really be hiding away from my own life at the same time. I hope it works out. Even going to work later today and seeing the Christmas tree there and all the lights can be very triggering. I have to keep focused on my job and try as best I can to ignore it. Since my relapse, it's becoming harder.

Anyway BlueButterfly50, here's to January the 2nd 🙂

Ellie.

Thanks for your kind words Kirstin. One of the things that was told to me early on in our monthly group meetings for sufferers of BPD is to "not let the disorder own you." In other words (I suppose) don't let yourself become your disorder.

Since diagnosis, I've really struggled with this as suddenly and for the first time, I now realise why my life was always so chaotic, but it's also like I finally found an excuse for my behaviour and the tendency is to think to myself.......... "Oh, it's ok to act in a chaotic manner now because at least I have a disorder to blame." I must not let that happen!

As for self compassion, I find that soooo darned hard. I'm currently at a stage in life whereby I now know what's been wrong with me all my life and it's time to do something about it with that knowledge in hand, but even that's a struggle when this is all I've ever known. I feel as though to take away the disorder, I'll be left with nothing but an empty shell. I feel like that a lot of the time anyway and I just don't want to risk making it worse, yet somehow I have to get through those feelings and try harder to get back to some sort of state of remission, for I really don't think this thing ever truly leaves you. That may sound negative, but another sufferer of BPD said exactly the same thing to me yesterday without my prompting her to say so. However, that's not to say we can't live a life very close to "normal," whatever that might mean to each of us.

And yes. Crashing after a long period of relative stability has hit me hard. Looking back now, I probably wasn't that stable at all. I almost blew my job a few years ago when I had a loud and verbal clash with a colleague. There have been other incidents along the way too when I was hell-bent on self sabotaging my career, and it's happening again now. I'm seriously considering resigning to follow some other career path. Perhaps this one has served it's purpose and it's simply time to say bye, bye!

Good grief! What a mess my mind is at present!!

Ellie.

Mentally I'm not ready to take that step as my career is all I have to cling to and yet sitting at work tonight doing endless reams of notes, I found it so incredibly difficult to concentrate. Usually I can come up with some alternative words so it doesn't look like I'm writing the same stuff day in, day out, but tonight I really struggled. I just kept thinking.......... "I really don't need this sh*t any more!"

Yet I also know this is another phase I'm going through. The old facade (my career) just isn't working any longer and something inside of me is screaming to change, but I also realise that at my age, this is probably the last job I'll ever have. The real scary part comes when I stop to think about the future with no job, no friends and stuck in a rural setting with no visitors. Can I even survive that? I really don't know, but maybe that's the whole point. Part of me doesn't want to survive it.

Unfortunately, just like so many times in the past, I can feel the impulsiveness building. All I want to do now is hang in there until after the new year so I can get a new mental health care plan in place and talk to my psychologist about this stuff, but I'm not sure I'll make it that long!

Ellie.

Hi @Ellie

I remember reading one of your first posts and was inspired by your mantra "We're all survivors". I hope you're still thinking about that as you plant your feet on the ground every morning.

It sounds like you are struggling with issues that are long term situations - your career and what happens after you finish working. They are some big ticket items to deal with, which we all struggle with! They are things that I'm sure your psychologist would help you through - and with him/her on leave, It must be swirling around your mind and causing all sorts of emotions!

Is it possible to shelve these big ticket items and hold off trying to make decisions about them until your psychologist comes back? I know it's not easy to just switch off those thoughts, but please don't put too much pressure on yourself right now to solve them.

At the moment it sounds like the short term focus should be on getting you through to Jan 2!

Can we come up with some strategies (big or small) to deflate the impulsiveness?

Would you be open to calling a help line as one of your strategies?

Some key numbers are:

- Lifeline 13 11 14 or https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat if you want to use online chat

- Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/register if you want to use online chat

Take care,

NikNik

Hi Ellie

I'd like, if I may to agree with Nik. Acute times at this time of year are even harder to deal with. The triggers lie all around us. A trigger is just that. It's just a push in a direction. Does'nt mean it's the right direction particularly. It sound like you are being trigger left and right. I sympathise, truly. I really know the feeling. But decision making in Trigger City is a Pandora's Box. Try , if you can, to wait until you see your psych better making the big choices. Right now the small one are enough to be going on with.

It's not easy staring into the future and seeing it as a bleak thing. Please try to remember the future does'nt yet exist and therfore has no rightful pull upon you.

Would you be willing to be kind to yourself? Maybe look at yourself today as having the worth that people say you have? Sometimes we can't rely on that internal voice. Sometimes we need the evidence that other's provide of our worth.

I have read all posts with both admiration and and wish that I could remove you from the hurt and confusion. You are an erudite, warm and caring person who right now is perhaps worn down by a biological process.

If you can, please take my electronic heartfelt hugs of encouragement and hope.

It's true even when all is dark

Hope endures

Rick

To NikNik and Rick. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement.

I've been at work all afternoon and not all that long home, so I've only just now seen your posts. I had a pretty good day, even though I didn't sleep a wink all night with all the stuff running around in my head. I was working with a very supportive shift manager and we always talk stuff through. I'm currently in a fairly good state of mind, but as i know from past experiences, it only takes one little word, one little look, or one little misconstrued idea and I'll be fighting the self hatred, the emptiness and lack of self worth all over again. It's a vicious cycle I've come to know well over the years, but as I get older, I find it becoming more and more exhausting.

So what am I going to do? Well, I'll simply hang in there as best I can until early next year, go see my GP and get another mental health-care plan done and work with my psychologist in defeating this blasted nightmare.

Thanks so much again for your support. All of the people on this forum are so amazing and you've all helped lift my spirits during this difficult time.

Ellie.

Hi Ellie,

I imagine that you've done this stuff many times in the past. You said as much. That tired feeling you're having is something I can relate to. I can honestly say I have days which are'nt so bad but I can't remember the time time I had a good week. It's exhausting.

Time with people I love seems to help. Though there are precious few of them. And if you are anything like me, you get all hypervigilant and worry about wearing them thin. So mostly it own your own, yeah?

I have this place to be a bit of a safe harbour and strangely I find myself energised a little when I leave.

For me, I think it's because I finally get to turn away from myself and my stuff and get involved , at least voyeuristically in others.

Take care of your self. Try and do something nice for yourself. You are far better than you might think. You are a strong and brave person and this alone your enormous worth.

Hope endures

Rick

Yes Rick. It is a recurring situation, but as I get older, I see less and less reason to endure. When I was younger, I hung with some really wild people including bikers, speed-way people etc and they'd either put me in my place if I got too out of control or simply ignore me until I "stabilised." And of course, something was always going on. Life was exciting despite my affliction. Today, I have no close contact with anyone except a couple of close friends who for whatever reason keep putting up with my BS and my life is as boring as Bat-sh*t!! I want to do something exciting, but there's nobody left in my circles to do it with

Anyway, I'm so sorry Rick that you don't have many more better days. I can tell right off that you've a very special person. I had a chuckle to myself when I read your line about being hypervigilant with friends in case you wear them thin. Ohhh, yeah! I hear you loud and clear

Stay strong Rick,

Ellie.