Sometimes...

Dear GlassWings,

I hope I didn't come across too gung-ho in my reply to you.I was just trying to add a little positive to your negative. I have just recently (about three months ago) come out of a depressive episode which lasted for two years. During that time my psychiatrist kept my head above water with a cocktail of medications so that I could survive (just) in society.I did have to be hospitalized for two months during that episode because I lost function altogether.

Usually my episodes (high and low) last for many months or even years. I am not sure what you mean by co-morbid afflictions, but in the past I used to drink to excess and also smoke dope as a means of coping with my symptoms, but I have come to realise that the relief they give is only temporary and they have too many ill effects to be worth it.

As you will find on these forums we areall human, and all trying to find ways of coping. Best wishes,

Ellu

@Ellu

No no, all fine . 🙂 just curious.

I've had long bouts before, almost 5 years in bed once.

I know in those times, you tend to lose perspective, memory, hope, of what it might even feel like to not feel like you currently do, let alone what something like happiness might entail.

But at the moment I'm rapid cycling. Which is what I meant moreso by the analogy of having something offered and taken away. When you cycle quickly, unfortunately it's quickly enough to know what you have lost, as opposed to long term depression.

And it's over and over.

Co-morbid means suffering other mental illnesses as well as, but usually slightly less severe than, the main affliction. I have several.

So though I am assured the good woodsman will arrive and save little red from the wolf, the wolf was never my sole concern.

It's what's under the wolf's bed that I need to worry about.

I know this statement will probably be shouted down, rebutted, etc, but I'm firm in my belief of it's truthfulness.

I find it sad, to the point of a hollow aching in my chest, that I cannot say how I feel and be understood. Not to my family or friends, not to my psychologist or psychiatrists.

Not here.

Because I will always be told 'I understand', or 'seek help', or just vagaries that drift around the edges of what I'm trying to say.

Maybe because I'm unable to properly express it.

Maybe because people are more busy interpreting than listening.

As an intelligent, articulate person, not being understood becomes it's own form of isolation.
I feel like a stranger in a foreign land who does not speak the language.

There are people all around me, and I stand helpless and frustrated.

Isolation begets isolation.
One day, surrounded by my best friends and family, I realised this. That no matter how much these people cared or wanted to help, I was completely alone, right there in the middle of them all.

Melodramatic and clichéd though it may be, I've finally given up on me too.
Even your shadow abandons you when you are in the dark.

Hello @Former-Member

You are beautifully poetically expressive and seem to have a great awareness and good articulation of how you are going/feeling etc. I have not a BP diagnosis but have suffered emotionally/mentally and sometimes physically intensely for the best part of 40 years. It has wreaked havoc in my daily life, my work life, in all my relationships and the isolation has been immense. I cannot understand your situation in depth however, I hear you. I hear that your isolated and its terrible. I think those of us who suffer so much internally become very adapted at holding together for others. The suffering is real, awful, debilitating and everything else. 😞

Dear GlassWings,

It sounds as if you have a lot of things on your plate to deal with - the illness and the co-morbidities (I have learned that word now). I asume you are getting help from a health professional. If you don't feel you are getting anything out of seeing your psychiatrist then the answer is simple - look around for another psychiatrist. You have to have a meaningful working relationship with your therapist, and that means that you DO feel as if you are being understood and supported. My first psychiatrist was a dud - I couldn't seem to establigh a connection with him. My current psychiatrist knows me better than I know myself, and apart from prescribing medications he has a wonderful knack of understanding just what is troubling me at the moment and talks me through my issues so that I always leave his office feeling stronger and enpowered.

I know you feel that you are on your own, surrounded by people who don't understand. I know that when you are depressed you can't even be bothered trying to make a connection. You feel helpless and frustrated. You sound like a highly intelligent and thoughtful person. Have you ever thought of keeping a journal? Not for anyone else, just for you. Sometimes by writing down our thoughts it not only helps vent them but helps us work out just what the problem is at that moment. It is a way of becoming self-aware,and your poetic turn of language suggests that this might work for you.

We are all here on the forum, with our various experiences and backgrounds, all willing to support you and welcome you so you do not need to feel so alone.

Ellu