Sometimes...

Hi @Former-Member

You have done a brilliant job of capturing bipolar, and putting it into words.

I feel the same, but have only ever been able to describe it as exhausting.

Dear GlassWings,

You have described bi-polar disorder so well. I, too, have bi-polar. I had my first episode at 15 ( I am 63 now). What does that tell you? - I have had bi-polar for 47 years, and it has dominated most of my life. On the other hand I had a career (recently retired), married and had 4 children who are now in their 20's. How could I manage this? I am no superwoman, and I have surfed the highs and lows and sat crying on my bed for hours too. From my own exoerience it is possible to have bi-polar and share in the positives of life.

The most important thing to do is draw a line between your illness and You. There is a You called GlassWings built up from your childhood experiences and education and friendships and relations with family. You are what is at your core. You are not your illness - that attacks you periodically but deep inside there is still a You who lives and breathes and continues throughout the storm. Sometimes I have been depressed and hopeless and cried, but I try to tell myself "This is the Illness talking, all I have to do is wait it out and then my SELF will emerge again". Easier said than done, I admit. But try to hang on to those things inside you which you know are real and valuable and view your illness not as You but as something from without which you sometimes have to cope with.

Are you seeing a health professional? If not, ask your GP to refer you to a psychiatrist.Medication for bi-polar disorder is tricky, but a professional can help and it is possible to get on a regime of medication which works.

GlassWings, there is no such thing as "normal". We are all different, many many of those "normal" people you refer to are walking around with their own problems and difficulties.. Bi-polar disorder can be brought under control. I am not trivializing it, it is a horrible illness, but I am living proof that it is possible to live with it and lead a productive life.

Ellu

Hi all, thanks for the kind words.

@Ellu I gave up regular normal a long time ago, hence the inverted commas.

If it's not impolitic to ask, maybe I enquire ( on average) how often you cycle, and if you have co-morbid afflictions?

Apologies for the negative first post, and doubtless posts to come...

Sometimes I fail hold everything in, and there seems so very much, and my glass wings break.

Regretfully, it seems I'm only human after all.

hello glasswings

love the name - a special dream of mine has been to fly with invisible wings. i do this sometimes when i am coming out the other end of my symptoms of major depression which has been with me on and off since i was a young girl.

I also suffer symptoms of major anxiety frequently.

The two become a merrygoround.

I am not attempting to marginalise your feelings just voicing what someone has already mentioned. We all who suffer, have extremes and variances of ourselves not others.

In my world there is no such thing as normal. It did take me a while to get to where I am now. I do know now that I am who I am and cannot be compared to anyone which is what the word normal infers.

Hope that helps a little.

You have found a safe and supportive nest here. Welcome and rest those beautiful glass wings.

Just a random thought that came to me. I agree, really what is normal? Every now and again I do see it, it's in the mirror as I flash past. 🙂

Thanks everyone, you seem like great, positive people.

As aware as I am of my own folly, it's one of the things, along with tangled bedding, that I struggle with the most often.

I read a quote saying 'the saddest word in the English language is 'almost'.
I'm almost happy.
I'm almost productive.
I'm almost.

And then i'm not.

My hypomania dances around me, gleefully taunting.
A mirage of water in an endless desert that does more damage to my spirit than it does good.

Exhausting is a good word @Nikolai
Exhausted from pretending, not just to be stronger than I want to appear, but exhausted from pretending to be stronger than I really am.
Exhausted from trying every single day to be stronger than I will ever be.

Now I avoid.
People. Responsibilities....Life...
Another quote: 'my biggest fear is that others should come to view me the way I see myself.'
I even try to avoid myself.

Oh, Daedalus, what have you done?
It seems glass wings also melt when one gets too close to the sun.