~ The Toolshed ~

@MissGremlin I plan on having a few drinks today, as it is the 23rd anniversary for the events that lead up to my partner's death. Some years I am ok and I can deal with it and some years I can't. Just over a week ago I noticed that when watching shows with death or something sad in it, I would start crying. So the emotions are already on high alert.

@Mustang67I'm so sorry to hear about your partners death, i can't even begin to imagine how hard this time must be for you. Please be gentle with yourself and reach out if you need to, we are always here for you. Sending you hugs ❤️.

@MissGremlin thank you. I remember last year, I got through it better than I thought by using this forum. Sometimes you just have to tell someone exactly how you feel. And that helps 😊

@Mustang67 I find it helps to share those heavy feelings and thoughts, sometimes it's just knowing that you aren't alone in those moments. We may not be able to take away the pain but we are here to sit with you through it ❤️.

@MissGremlin the support button isn't working on my phone again, so here's my support and good morning to you. I hope you have an amazing day.

@Former-Member thankyou, you too ☺️

@MissGremlin I am currently reading a book and a soldier was killed and they are notifying his wife. And it has just bought back exactly how I felt, when I was told that my partner died. And to agonising loss that I felt. So the tears have started early today.

For 21 year I felt guilty about his death and after seeing 6 therapists, one asked me a simple question and the guilt lifted instantly. I was told that now I can start to grieve fully. For a long time I was angry at him, as at the end of our relationship he was physically & mentally abusive. And I knew I didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating me. It has only been the last couple of months that I felt the anger disapate and now I really miss the person he was at the beginning of our relationship. He was the love of my life and I was so happy back then.

@Mustang67 oh sweet, i can only imagine the feelings it's bringing back. It's ok to let those tears flow, everything you are feeling right now is so heavy to sit with.

I know that feeling of missing the person that they were, I've had relationships that were amazing in the beginning even for many years but then it all changed and things became different, the physical, sexual and emotional abuse started. That's the thing even when we've been hurt we can still love and grieve the person that they once were. Sending you hugs sweet, we are here with you ❤️

@MissGremlin it is great to find someone else that understands about loving the person they used to be. I have often had people ask how could I still love him after everything he put me through, but they don't understand how much I loved him in the beginning. No relationship since has been anything like it. But I have also learnt, that what I thought was him caring for me, was actually him controlling me. But I was young and didn't know any better at the time.

And as part of my grieving process, I came to realise that I was also grieving the loss of the person that I used to be. I have never been the same again, and I don't think I ever will be. I have been through too much.

Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it ❤️

@Mustang67 it's one of those situations where unless you've been in it, it's hard for others to understand. Looking back you can see the behaviours that weren't so good but there's still that love there. That's the thing when we were young and naive we didn't know any better but we learn from our mistakes and even as we are older we still make mistakes and continue to learn.

I hear you there, I'll never be the person I used to be. Sometimes it hurts cos I miss that person but then there's parts that I don't miss. Everything we've been through has brought us to where we are now and made us who we are today. You are amazing and strong and despite everything you've been through you're still here and still fighting ❤️