HOW NON BPD SPOUSES TREAT US AND TREATMENT

I dont have any experience from the viewpoints you mention @Change123.

I was told my brother had BPD by my private psychiatrist ... in 1988 and the message was clear and not hopeful, just a shrug and blank look and nothing can be done.

I loved my brother and he could be frustrating and have huge scenes, but they were driven by not being heard. Mostly in our relationship he was chatty and friendly. His wife and my mother however did treat him like a misbehaving child which upset me, tho not probably as much as it upset him. Eg., They could not see that something he was complaining about was genuine ... because they had no experience of practical renovating. As I had been in many similar experiences, I could see many of his struggles were real, fair and genuine and he was moving mountains in his way to overcome them. Whilst the 2 madams were assessing the "home" he was providing.

I believe there are reasons why people are the way they are and that despite labels, people are unique with different characters and stress points.

Since those times I thought a lot of progress had been made with DBT and recovery was more likely now.

Take care @Change123 whatever you decide to do.

@Appleblossom@BlueBay@Former-Member@Summer22@Former-Member

Thanks all for your kind words.

Well this is what he is doing to me now, everything I do that is BPD I get lectured oveer straight away. So since I ws in a state on the weekend the more I tried not to the more I did so most of the weekend was him lecturing and yelling at me. He doesnt think there is any positives to bpd. He made me watch some dr phil show where the women on their wasnt stated as being BPD but she obviously was. Her daughter was taken away from her from her ex and she was from the outside a very selfish women that had no idea but he wanted to point out the expressions that i have are the same to hers when in a conflict situation adn I could really relate and see what she was going through but dr phil and the audience just mocked her and laughed at her. Dr Phil got so frustrated with her not giving yes/ no answers and he said that was me along with other stuff.

What if he is right and even though we know we dont act like that for the reasons they say thats seems to be how society in general sees us including doctors. He said the softly softly appraoch doesnt work with some and I am one of those thats needs to GROW UP and get consequences for every wrong action I do. Then what does this forum actually do for us? Are we being supportive for the wrong reasons and by getting upset on here are we just being kids still.............

I dont know what to think all I know is I'm not getting anywhere and maybe I need to have the harsh approach??? Start acting like an adult in societies eyes - one thing I know is no one wants to know how I feel they just want to tell me what I'm doing to them but maybe thats right too??? Maybe I dont deserve to have my partner being nice to me after all the crap over the years he has endured....

Hi @Change123.

I have felt very passionate and emotional (in an ok way) reading your posts about your partner and experiences with BPD. I think another misconception I've experienced is that we just don't try either. I had a couple of really difficult run ins with psychiatrists last year re the growing up thing. The first sat there one day lecturing me one day and then said I just need to grow up. Of course I responded appropriately (NOT) by having every part of my body wanting to pick up the chair and hurl it through the window next to him but I refrained this rage and stormed out slamming the door and refused to see him again. The second time I had it happen I was in the psych ward and a psychiatrist told me to grow up. I ran away from the hospital and sat down in a park and cried to my psychologist. For me it was the nastiest meanest pointless thing I've ever heard. What did grow up mean? I had no idea. I knew at that point I would never say it to my kids again as I had used it on them in the past. Seriously WTF does grow up mean? My psychologist talked me into returning to hospital and I talked it out calmly with the psychiatrist that grow up is such an ambiguous derogatory term. He apologised. I told him that he need to specify what behaviours I was doing and ways I could deal with them which was out of his scope as an assessing psychiatrist on a 15-30min visit. The third time it happened I prempted what my current psychiatrist was going to say. At this point I did wonder if it really took them all those years of study to become a psychiatrist when all they had to say was "grow up" to their patients and we magically did. I told him that he needed to be specific about what he meant and what steps were involved. Long story short he hasn't time for that and hand balled it - and has never said it again.

The public mental health system has not got the funding or time to deal with us in an effective way. We cost the health system big bucks for not much reward because they haven't the resources to deal with the issues properly.

I wanted to share with you my hope though. I have found a therapist who believes in me. She has advocated for me and communicates with the community mental health team to teach them about me and I am now treated much differently than before. The door for services from them has opened up.The fact that they have seen improvement in me I think was important. I still don't have a great rapport with the psychiatrist but I know I have to work with him to have the other resources available which are helping me.

I am doing schema therapy with my therapist and it's taken me a while to work some things out but I feel it's helping. When I first talked to her I talked of the shame of feeling like a child and being treated like a child from many mental health professionals. She has handled it all with lots of dignity and care. Schema therapy looks at what need isn't being met which causes us distress. It looks at how we learned that response as a child and then ways to deal more effectively with the behaviour. For me I had to accept that much of my functioning especially emotionally was at that of a 12 year old child. Please know that doesn't mean I always acted like a 12 year old but many of my responses to things were and often still are immature. I am just beginning to feel like I'm working things out more appropriately but I still fall in huge holes weekly that I get support with from her. Last week was a Centrelink issue i cracked and fell into old behaviours over. She helped me work through it without the drama or the huge crisis I was brewing. In the past I would have reacted badly and impulsively. I am by no means cured but on my ok days I can see a light for the first time in years.

My hope for you is that you can find a way to get the right professional help and manage your well being without your partner interfering. He seems like a huge destructive factor in your life currently. I guess if you find the right professional they will help you with this too. Two times ago in hospital I met a psychiatrist who I liked and seemed more aware of BPD and she told me to stick at it and keep working because it is a long hard battle to overcome. I think it is. At this point I think it will take a long time of constantly working through things to lead some kind of normal life but I have hope. I am calmer than I've been in a long time even though I have just come off an entire weekend of having to distract myself because my emotions were all over the place and I was feeling incredibly impulsive. I was also very hormonal which doesn't help, I am a touch older than you and think this stage in life is not helping too. I just had to batten down the hatches and ride it through but I did it better than I have before. It still sucks but I actually feel ok that I did it without all the drama I might have created in the past.

I hope this helps. I didn't want to sugar coat it but I wanted you to know that I have hope for me and you as I see how much you want to get through this. I can't highlight enough finding the right help though. Take care 💜🤗

Thanks @Former-Member I appreciate that.

You know I just had a penny drop from you post so thank you - a lot is from not being heard when I was younger and have developed bad habits because of it. I was always told children were to be seen and not heard and every time I would ask my father something he would shout "sshhhh! I'm watching something" and yes most of my rage or frustration comes from a point of my partner or whoever not understanding my side and in that state I find it hard to articulate my words to express my emotions. Another thing which I have been asked to stop doing because its annoying, when I get home from work I have this deep seeded urge to tell my partner everything that he may need to know in the first 10 mins of being home and naturally after years of this he is like now "when you get home just give me some space for 15 - 20 mins and then you might calm down a bit and it wont seem like you are bombarding me with information" so from today I need to stick to this. But its almost like an OCD thing when the urge is so great I feel something bad will happen if I dont tell him straight away???

Growing up - OMG I hate those words, I keep getting told that and like you "what does that mean? what do I do to grow up? I understand emotionally I am probably like a child that is what BPD is but doesnt mean every action is like a child.

Anyway I do feel calmer today but thats because my partner is - unfortunately I seem to very co dependent on his emotions which is my downfall.

Also I'm 48 and going through peri menopause so that is a major factor and as it happens I'm going through another stage where my periods have stopped for last 3 months again so I know thats not helping either.

Thanks again @Former-Member I really find I get a lot from your posts - it always gives me another way of looking at why I might be doing something.

I think some of the new trauma informed therapies regard BPD similarly to ComplexPTSD .. and that there are "windows of stress". My guess is that things need to be contained and then worked on gently and systematically. In my brother It seemed definitely like LIFE pressure added to his build ups. Keep looking for good therapy to work on things .. there has been a lot more understanding recently.

You're right @Appleblossom daily stressors escalates BPD very quickly. It doesn't take much. There is a lot more informaiton out there.

I feel a really good therapist who really understands BPD is the way to go. Where are they though?

I'm still looking!!!

hello @change 123. I really feel for you and can relate to your feelings of being misunderstood, undervalued, labelled, intimidated. Reading your comments about your partner, it sounds as though he is really struggling, very drained and does not know how to express his emotions very well. He lashes out in anger and blame as a defence so that you don't see his pain. I am not excusing his behaviour or attitude in any way. I have been through this in my past. I think you both need some time out from each other, counselling which he most likely wont agree to, strong support in place for you though. As for Dr Phil for heaven's sake - fake rubbish. I can relate to the as soon as you get home from work need to tell all - that is actually excitement, wanting to share which yes we can hold back for a little while and then share - fun times that so many partners say they don't have any more. The partners also need to look at their reactions, behaviours as well. All part of being in a relationship regardless of mental illness. They need to read their own signs of time out for themselves. I know because I fit in both categories.

@Former-Member Thanks

He is very much in a state of confusion and tiredness etc etc, he just has to realise that he needs to know how to cope too and not leave it all up to me. he feels that if I'm good - he will be so its all up to me. But yes you are right he needs to take responsibility for his actions and reactions too so things dont escalate.

Again thanks and hope you are ok today too