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Struggling to be

AonaranSenior Contributor03 Dec 2014, 5:27 pm AEDT

Struggling to be

Hi all,

I'm a new poster here, and finally stepping up to say hello. New to posting, that is, but I've been reading here for a while.

My main reason for not posting is that I haven't known what to say about myself. I still don't. I've nothing to be proud of; I'm ashamed of how I've ended up, and what a failure my life has been. I've been heavily depressed for most of it but done my best to be a "brave little soldier"; spent a little over twenty years on anti-depressants which merely dulled me as I watched life slipping out of my grasp.

I've tried. Really hard. I don't have a lot of contact with other people, because ... well, I simply don't trust people any more, and there's not a soul on the planet who cares about my well-being or even existence. I've reached out for help several times to so-called professionals, but it hasn't gone well. I don't have a reason to be here any more, but i'm too much of a coward to do anything about it. (More shame.)

I'm not fishing for reassurance or compliments. I'm aware that what I've said doesn't sound inviting of help or kindness, but it's my way of saying "I Exist", in an honest assessment.

I don't know what it would take to ignite my pilot light again. I really wish I did. But I suspect things have gone too far into the dark to ever escape the numbing shadow of What Might Have Been.

I admire those who can be positive, and brandish hope. Good luck to you all.

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In response to: Struggling to be

stanSenior Contributor17 Sept 2015, 11:37 am AEST

Re: Struggling to be

Hey, read your post. Welcome. Here is a good place to be. Just like to say that I also care that you exist.

I think it takes courage to post an honest account of yourself. That sort of honesty I am building up to.Maybe one day!!

I'm also new here and found here to be helpful and welcome.

Hope things might look better soon for you.

Stan.

In response to: Struggling to be

Phoenix82Contributor21 Sept 2015, 12:58 am AEST

Re: Struggling to be

Hello,

I can relate to your post.

I remember sitting in my doctors office after a suicide attempt saying that a switch had been flicked in my head and there was no going back. The darkness had taken over, my will to live was gone.
It has been a year since I said that to my doctor. I have my dark moments, and it scares me. But I have found some strength (I don't know from where or when it happened) and I am taking each day as it comes.
When the darkness comes I try to remember that it will pass. Maybe not today, or even in a week/month whatever. But it eventually passes.
I focus on each and every tiny little thing, I don't make plans too far in the future and literally take each day as it comes. I walk through the park and listen to the birds, really look at the flowers and take in the smells and the warmth of the sun. Be in the moment, notice things.
I hope that you push on through the darkness my friend, as it never lasts forever.

In response to: Struggling to be

PeppiPattySenior Contributor21 Sept 2015, 1:51 am AEST

Re: Struggling to be

Dear @Phoenix82

thank you for your post ? Would you be up to beginning your own thread ?
If you want because though it was a good message ...... We all have our own stories

What is interesting about your message is how you describe how you stay in the present and focus on nature when you are going through difficult times .... Does that feel right to you ?
Looking forward to reading you again

Ja47yr .....

In response to: Re: Struggling to be

AonaranSenior Contributor06 Oct 2015, 10:23 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling to be

Hi all,

Wow, I don't know where the days have gone.

This post is just an attempt to reconnect, so if I leave responding to specific questions/comments in the last couple of pages for now, please bear with me. I'm sorry to have let the conversation stall -- I was finding it really interesting, and was keen to hear more from other contributors, especially @CherryBomb, @PeppiPatty and @Appleblossom.

I've been engulfed by a medical crisis, and it's significantly horrible. (Ever heard of haemochromatosis? No, I hadn't either. Seems I've got it, though, and it hadn't been diagnosed, even though the signs were apparently very clear, and it's already crippled my pancreas and done damage to my heart and liver, and plunged me into undiagnosed diabetes. I'm in a flippin' mess.) The mental aftershocks have been overwhelming, and I pulled out of university because I wasn't coping, and now I feel I've let myself down, and in the aftersurge I've been both desperately lonely and not ready to talk to anyone. (Know that feeling?!)

So ... Sorry. I really hope people are willing to come back and talk to me.

@CherryBomb, one thing I have to mention: thank you big-time for calling me "my friend" at the end of your last post here. I notice you've revised your post and pulled it back out (those pesky boundaries again?), but it was a great feeling that you even thought to say it in the first place. It may seem small, but you and Anne @PeppiPatty calling me "friend" has been a significant gift.

In response to: Struggling to be

PeppiPattySenior Contributor07 Oct 2015, 1:38 am AEDT

Re: Struggling to be

Dearest @Aenoran
Just absolutely so enjoy these messages: throughout my life I have pushed and pushed my intellect ..... But never will I be able to write like you and @CherryBomb
In 2000, I decided to begin my studies in Psychotherapy but I used it to further my own artwork..... On Jung .....
like Freud ; honestly what a self involved doodle brain
But they are the fathers esp. Freud
Love reading Steven Michell
' beyond Freud ' is the book
On Jung ; keystones of Jungian thought ....
Under @PeppiPatty beliefs ;
The mind could be divided into different parts
( Which Jung Tended to personify. ..... In the image of a character )

Creative unconconcious : thought ; stated that : a way that the mind common in all people in a culture sort of thought the same : a source of mythical / cosmic notions. As I remember ; on his travels to America : he met a man in a Paychiatric hospital who spoke of his obsession with the sun with this ' stick. ' sticking out of it then he went to a ...... Tribe who all worshipped the sun with a 'stick,' sticking out of it .......
Giving meaning to existance ;

That these myths , these patterns of living had a way of being positive and gave people a meaning and significance to someone's life.

IE grandiose delusions from people to compensate from feelings of their general failure in life.

I felt awful writing the last point.

In response to: Struggling to be

PeppiPattySenior Contributor07 Oct 2015, 1:45 am AEDT

Re: Struggling to be

Did any of that make sense ? I'm going through some awful times :
Change in medication and I Can't sleep !

And personal
I apologise if they didn't make sense does it make more sense if you read it slowly ?
I'm not an intellectual
Also ; I forgot to write : from my own beliefs :
1: The most important thing is to know yourself : ie .......doing yoga is just a good way how to get to know your body
2: stuff one on one therapy let's keep it in a dialogue not a monologue : let's promote group therapy

In response to: Struggling to be

PeppiPattySenior Contributor07 Oct 2015, 1:52 am AEDT

Re: Struggling to be

My dear dear @Aenoran

I'm thinking about you my friend.
Stuff University........
You certainly change my way of thinking. Who cares whether you go to University.
Please imagine I'm visiting you: I've just finished cleaning your apartment and my husband is finishing his cigarette listening to your ....... Interesting creative self. I'm making tea for us three, we don't need to talk my friend, outside is still and the moon has just come up.
Now, remember to drink a glass of water I always forget to. I better have one too.

In response to: Struggling to be

PeppiPattySenior Contributor07 Oct 2015, 2:04 am AEDT

Re: Struggling to be

Dear @Appleblossom

How are you my friend ? I've missed you.

Without me pretending I know the ...... Exceptionally difficult issues that you have endured ..... With no fault of you: you as
1: a compassionate woman
2: with good looks ( now I sound like a typical neurotic !)
I've always felt your brothers issues had more to do with wanting to be loved by others like you loved him.
I'm so sorry if I'm breaking boundaries and interfering but that's how I feel
Please forgive me if you don't like this.

In response to: Re: Struggling to be

AppleblossomSenior Contributor07 Oct 2015, 5:43 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling to be

Dear @Aonaran I am happy both to talk to you and ok to let you go if you need to do structured study. I know that one too ...

My heart did a little skip when I saw your email mentioned me ...

Sorry about the iron excess ... I hope your doctors can get on top of it and stabilise your metabolism .. I have heard it is manageable but maybe not when you are just starting out in a new endeavour.

More people are joining the forum and I think the quality of your posting is a boon for us all.

@PeppiPatty

Yes I missed you and was worried when you slipped under the radar.

Love it that you bring in the simple things ... the glass of water is a biggie for me ... I learned it was civilised to drink water on the Meditteranean. Now the alternative Health people have brought it back but isnt it amazing how Aussies never drank much water when we were growing up ... it must have played havoc with everybody's insides.

Thank you for what you said about my brother .. I did love him .. and all he wanted as to be loved but had few constraints placed on his behaviour ... I am ok with you talking about it ... usually the conversation ends when some of the details pop out ...which keeps me isolated or in superficial relationships only ... I read in my state ward file ... that the social workers said I loved my parents ... but my mother was very competitive and defensive ... and had to be the GREATEST LOVER and PLAYED GOD ... I didnt want to be his mother ... I was fine being big sister ... her only comment after his death was that she said he told her she had loved him more than his 2 wives and sisters ... in the end I thought that my mother was a bit of a Black Widow Spider ... it was very tragic ... its weird one of my foster fathers told me of that image ...

You have been seeing your brother I think ... I hope it went fine ...

Family can everything ... but like @Aonaran we have to find meaning without it too ...just because we exist is meaning enough ... I am trying to do that so I dont feel clinging and can let my son go when the time is right.

In response to: Struggling to be

PeppiPattySenior Contributor07 Oct 2015, 11:04 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling to be

I've missed you Ms @Appleblossom
Yes I've had oh ..... Very open communication with my youngest brother ........ It's been both about the most upsetting conversations I've had which I'm trying to process ...... And complete joy
On your brother : the reason why I've written this is often you write making me feel ..... You love him and ...... You felt helpless as well. Like it was too hard sometimes because you had to deal with your own life ...... He reminds me a very little of this poor 15 yr old in Sysney who's Been very negatively influenced ..... Someone who hasn't been given positive feedback

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