Feasgar math dhuibh uile, (Afternoon, everyone!)
Thanks for the replies. folks. I'm sure you've all experienced for yourselves how welcome they are, especially on a first post.
And now ... a second post seems maybe harder than the first. 😉
Firstly, the replies. It's interesting, what we read into other people's posts, how we hear our own echoes in what they're saying. Some of the comments I could strongly relate to; others, not so much; but they were all welcome and appreciated. That said, to clarify: I don't hate myself; I'm desperate that some of the issues I've been dealing with my entire existence are still with me, still twisting my path, and I'm perhaps bitter and definitely angry at the responses of those I've turned to for help and made myself vulnerable to, who've used me to play out their own games and left me to deal with the consequences ... but I don't hate myself. It's true my self-esteem is not exactly shining, but that's a different thing. And I don't want to die; I'm in despair at the path my life has taken, and find even thinking about all the dreams I used to have to be too humiliating to bear, but I don't actually want to die. Put it into the passive-voice flipside of that: I don't have any purpose, so no reason to remain alive.
What was hard for me in stepping out of the shadows to post was, simply, fear of abuse. I'd be really keen to hear how many can relate to this, but I seem to have been born with a Cosmic Kick Sign branded indelibly on my spirit. My entire life, people have gone out of their way to abuse me and deride me, taking every opportunity to be mocking and unkind when it wasn't called for. Both my parents used to shout at me constantly (I haven't a single memory of either of them speaking to me in kindness or affection) and I spent much of my childhood injured from physical abuse at their hands. Of course, it didn't take long for my siblings to learn that they could treat me the same way with impunity, and the pattern has stuck with me my whole life. I've lost most jobs I've had to bosses who fired me in fits of childish spleen-venting -- not out of misbehaviour or poor performance on my part, but, as more than one has screamed at me, that they just didn't like me. The firing bit I could deal with -- it happens, more often than any of us would like, and most people, I'm sorry to say, are not fundamentally decent or principled in their behaviour when it comes down to basics -- but the fact that people seem to take a personal pleasure -- quite extreme pleasure, sometimes -- in being angry and abusive towards me, scares the crap out of me, and really sends me into a downward spiral. "What did I do to engender that?" rings in my head, but of course there's no answer, so all that's left is the sickly residue that brews up a strong does of, "I'm the kind of bloke who ..."
I have some considerable physical issues going on for me now -- a few years back, I fractured my spine in three places and it's never properly healed, so that dramatically limits my physical mobility, and on the heels of that I developed heart failure, which means I have no energy any more either, and am in and out of hospital -- so I don't get out much. I use the Internet for companionship, but it's a very ugly place -- we all know how rabid people can get when they wield the cloaked power of anonymity in their web posts, but it's particularly bad around me -- I'm like catnip to the trolls. I'll post a civil, reasonable comment in a calm discussion thread, and out of nowhere someone will appear with a jeering tone and a fistful of ad hominems and lay into me. And it happens over, and over, and over ...
I don't get it. On rare occasions when I venture out -- when I have the energy, and the courage -- passing cars will stop at the bus stop where I'm standing for their occupants to scream abuse at me. I know everyone has some level of experience of this sort of thing, but for me, either on the street or on the web, it is quite literally a daily ocurrence. What the flippin' heck is this all about? I have no idea.
But it means I don't participate any more. It's crushed my soul under a massive boot-heel. And it's what I feared might happen if I posted here. (Not a comment on these forums, just on my own life patterns.) What's perhaps the scariest about all this is that the abuse often comes from people whom others experience as temperate and reasonable. So what is it in me that incites them to behave this way? And often, to take a naked, jeering pleasure if they've seen that they scored damage? It's not only painful; it's frightening and bewildering. There's a shame in feeling that you've somehow prompted someone to behave that way; but the anger at being treated so unfairly pushes hard in the opposite direction. The resultant squeeze is immobilizing.
I'm an introspective person by nature. Believe me, I've spent a lot of time examining such experiences, trying to work them out, the how and why of it, but generally failing. I'm convinced the source is not my behaviour; I'm not a rude or disregarding person; I've had fairly few genuine compliments in my life, but one that I have had, and that recurs, is that I'm patient and considerate (sometimes, the most patient and kind person they've ever met. If I'm boasting, it's a nice thing to be able to boast about.) Whatever aggravates people to such a frightening degree is their issue, not mine, so I don't feel like I need to blame myself. What terrifies me, though, is that it happens so often, and that I can't get a handle on it.
It's robbed me of my bounce. In the past, I've been able to pick myself up and start out again, but each time with a little less alacrity. And these days, I have no bounce at all.
It also means I'm wary -- actually, afraid -- of starting into anything new. It's so damned painful being alone and purposeless, but perhaps less painful than stepping out and being brutalized. It's nobody's problem but mine, I know, so I'm not looking to anyone else to "fix" it for me; but I also feel powerless in the face of this blight on my life.
It's a weather report, if you will. Quite apt, when it's just started to rain and rumble again!
Good luck to you all.
Aonaran.
[Thanks to CherryBomb for sorting out a couple of glitches. We're in good hands here. 😉 ]
