Wish it was over

Feeling scared …. Physically and mentally everything hurts …. Wish it would all be over and I could be free.
have initial rheumatology appointment in couple days. Due to results of scan done on my spine I’m scared and my back hurts so much at times.
flashback nightmares and back pain that stops me getting decent amount of sleep.
go to bed nearly every night not wanting to ever wake again.

morning comes and my wish has failed.

would never do anything to myself as won’t do that to my cats.

some days think my cats would be better off with some one else