really struggling today

Thanks @Former-Member

I'm trying to just say less anyhow because of this and then I get "whats wrong" and I say nothing so then I start talking more and yes it slip out. I really dont understand my brain sometimes its like its self sabotaging itself constantly and I cant stop it.

Also I do bite my tongue so much infact last night I had him throwing all sorts of insults to me some too bad to put on here and I just stood there and took it and did not say a word. Everyword goes to my heart but I dont react verbally, apparently I do with facial expressions so I now need to put on a face that is not angry, sad or frustrated - you know how hard that is but I do it to a certain degree.

Just sick of the up and down and like he said when I go really up I usally stuff up even more in his eyes.

I'm just very confused at the moment and just sick of it all but atleast my anxiety is not going overboard. Just noticed its so weird and this is partly my problem with speaking. I just typed a few words completely different in this post to what I thought I typed and it meant the exact opposite of what I was trying to say? eg. "I'm just very confused at the moment" I initially wrote "I'm not confused at all??"

I feel like I'm losing the plot saying things I dont recall saying, typing things when I thought I was typing something else - what is going one with me????????

Does your husband see the irony that he was hurting you?

Both my ex husband and my daughter said I was always shooting myself in the foot. For a few years, I could barely make an utterance that was not self damning in some way, which is partly why singing became so healing. I stuck to someone else's text!

There are self-sabotaging dynamics. I think it lies in our unconscious and as we become more aware of what we have stored away in there .. we are less surprised by what pops out. Sometimes its out of fear ... you might be trying so hard that the topic he does not want to discuss ... gets extra energy .. then pops out. Sometimes its out of guilt that we feel dont deserve things to be going well. I think it is both for me.

I read your other post, but sorry, I was not up to replying then.

Thanks @Appleblossom

I think its exactly what you say
"I'm trying to hard" , I realise a pattern that when I try really hard thats when I seem to do the wrong thing. Example last night even though as yet my partner hasnt commented on this. I hve a knack of saying stuff that could be taken the wrong way and be innappropriate. When I got home one of his mates was over that comes every week and I get told a lot that I say inappropriate stuff around him so I tried not to talk much and in the state of mind I was in I didnt want to incase I would slip up AND I DID just a small thing but they were going through these old ration packs from the army and he squeezed a jame one out of the tube and it was all runny and gooey and looked awful what did I say "oh that looks very wet and drippy"! not the best thing to say to a guy and I could see the look on his face ( a quirky smile) so I quickly tried to save myself by saying "you know all gooey and that" . It just comes out when I try my hardest!

I'm hearing you @Change123

So much of what you say is how I am at the moment too. We have to keep fighting this, even though at times it seems like we will never get better. I am clinging on to the slightest hope that I will one day get better. I hope you can too.

I know it's hard, believe me I know. I know the struggles you are going through and I know it's so easy to give up.

Keep posting here and I will chat to you, i am here for you @Change123. I feel for you right now but we can get through this.

take care

@BlueBay

Thanks - that means a lot coming from you!