You are most likely asleep now (hope so anyway) @Faith-and-Hope. I went to bed earlier but awake again ...has been a bit like that these past few weeks. I haven't slept more than a few hours at a time for several weeks. It is good I am seeing my pdoc this week. I was going to cancel but she has said to me before not to do that if I do not have the money to see her - that we will work it out - this is definitely a 'work it out' week. The vet is holding off payment for all the visits for Cat and Toby so I can pay that all at once. WIth Toby yesterday and next week and Cat yesterday and op this week it will all come to between $4000 and $6000 depending on whether the specialist needs to do the op on Thursday or not - if they do the fee will sky rocket by nearly double what it will be for the regular vet. My sister, mum and dad have all told me not to worry about the cost - just get it done and we will sort it out. I am so grateful for them right now - they have done what I never thought they would do and that is support me both financially but also emotionally with this. My sister especially has been wonderful - I have seen her nearly everyday ...she has come around with her dog to check in on me. I love having her dog here - heis kinda naughty but in a cute, endearing way. He gets all Toby's toys out and makes a mess everywhere but he is so cute that I don't mind. He is just as important to my sister as my babies are to me so he is important to me also. She also has a cat that is a brat too (must run in the family lol) but like Cat my sister would do anything for her fur babies.
I do not know what the outcome will be for Cat but we are giving her every possible chance - and if we get another year or more for her then it will have been so worth it. She is one special little furball and any more time I have to cuddle that precious little thing will be worth her weight in gold. The one thing I will do from all this is get Pet Insurance for Toby. Cat is too old to get it anyway now but having this happen to her is enough to go ahead and get it for Toby. To go through this with him too would be the end of me - have certainly thought about that a lot over the last few days ...not coping is an understatement ...being numb to most of it has probably saved me going down that track though. I dont think it is all going to hit me until after the op and we have a more concrete diagnosis. I nearly cried at the vet when I found out Toby had an ear infection ...but having to come straight home and collect Cat to take in immediately for the ultrasound knocked me into gear again ....very much running on empty though and just doing what needs to be done.
Today I will try to get to the tip - my sister is going to pay for that too. I have no food in the house either presently but again my sister will help out. If I looked at all this from a finacial point of view then it would certainly break me but needing to and accepting the help is something I have to do for both myself and my fur babies. I don't know how I am ever going to pay my family back but for now it is just about accepting the help and worrying about that down the track - my survival and that of my babies depends on that. It is so hard that this could even begin to be a financial issue but so much these days is - so I am grateful for my guardian angels that have come in the form of my family ...never expected that but so happy to have that burden off my own shoulders through this time.
Cat layed down outside for a long tummy rub earlier whilst Toby sat next to me - so she has had an extra special tummy rub from you as well as a pat for Toby. I talk to them about their other aunty (you) often and very much miss you when you are not around. I know you have not been able to be here much or even find words when you are - and that is okay because I know you are thinking of us all ....and that is enough. It is more important to me that you are doing what you need to do in your own life - going on trips to that beautiful place on Sunday, getting your assignment and visual diary work done, taking the kids to exhibitions and.or events, and generally being at peace with things in your life ...nothing outside of my own world here would make me happier than if you were happy Hon - that means the world to me ...you mean the world to me 
I may not be here much over the next few days - actually feeling a bit disconnected again -and that is not anyone's fault here - more my present numbness, concerns for Cat and Toby and everything else going on for me over the coming days. I will try to update you on things as they progress and check in with you when I can. I think I said it earlier - when things hit me it is usually afterwards and having bottled so much up recently I can already feel that crash coming ...maybe seeing my pdoc will help alleviate that but I suspect whatever happens with HR Wednesday will be a big factor in that - that meeting actually scares me as they have never gone well before. This is a new person though so maybe it will go better than I anticipate - we will have to wait and see.
By now, if you have read this far, you are likely to be falling asleep anyway - so I will leave you here with you knowing I am grateful that our paths have crossed and I love having you in my life - it matters, you matter, a great deal to me. Some people we meet leave an indelible print on our hearts and you have certainly done that for me - you are one in a million Hon and I am so grateful we have met
